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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Had enough of her drunken behaviour.

48 replies

ZeroToleranceLeft · 08/03/2018 08:00

In the interests of full disclosure I'm a man at the end of his tether who is after some advice.

My partner is 42 and she's always had a bit of a problem with drinking, think along the lines of having to be carried out of pubs, carried to bed, bed wetting and being incredibly abusive when drunk.

She doesn't seem to be able to have one or two and it always ends up with her drinking two or three bottles of wine and becoming a slurring and abusive drunk. Even broaching the subject is met with denial and then just laughing it off.

Last night she went out with some work colleagues for a 'couple', I was invited but declined as I had an early start this morning with a fairly long drive.

I was woken at 2am by her coming in and crashing about, at 3am by her staggering up the stairs, walking into the bedroom and turning the light on and then at 4am by a friend who I barely know who was looking for his phone. She had left him and another friend I don't know downstairs drinking and passed out.

I got up, looked for the phone, couldn't find it and kicked them out. At 5am he's hammering at the door and demanding I give his phone back. I lost my temper a little and shouted at him. He left.

This is just the latest in a long line of drunken incidents but this, as far as I'm concerned, is the last allowable one.

Would I be unreasonable to kick her out the house?

To avoid drip feeding, she has a son who is 18 who currently stays two nights a week with us. The house is in my name as she can't get a mortgage and she contributes a bit towards it each month and pays one household bill. In terms of equity there's 15k paid towards the mortgage since we've been together. I had to put down a £12k deposit on the house as she didn't have any savings.

OP posts:

Chickoletta · 08/03/2018 08:36

YANBU. Nobody should have to put up with drunk strangers in their house in the middle of the night, let alone the other stuff.

As others have said, you may need to accept that she has a (fairly small) financial claim to make against you if you chuck her out but surely this is better than what you are currently putting up with.

You have my utmost sympathy.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/03/2018 08:38

I agree with a pp - tell her the relationship is over, give her four weeks to sort her shit out, but any repeat behaviour means she's out immediately.

acornsandnuts · 08/03/2018 08:39

Pack her a suitcase while she’s sleeping it off then show her the door. Tell her she can come and collect the rest when it’s convienient to you.

Horrible behavior that no one should put up with.

SisterMortificado · 08/03/2018 08:40

I wouldn't put up with it from a man.

If you're done, you're done. She's chosen the booze over you, and will continue to do so.

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/03/2018 08:44

Yes, you are most definitely NBU to get out of this relationship fast. Give her notice to quit, no longer listen to any pleas that she hasn't a problem and or will change, etc, etc. See a solicitor, Citizens' Advice, maybe the police in advance to see where you stand. Get as much advice as you can about similar situations from practical and reliable sources.

At the end of the notice period (two weeks? four?) if she hasn't left, gather her belongings and put them in a large bag by the door and change the locks. You don't need this bad behaviour to impact on your life. You'll probably have to gird your loins for a while until she gets the message and stops pounding at your door. Change your phone numbers. I wish you the best of luck.

exWifebeginsat40 · 08/03/2018 08:44

i’m an alcoholic, OP. i used to do all of the drunk things, and many more besides. i was a nightmare. a proper lost-everything disaster.

i did change, though. i stood up for myself and i said enough. XH pushed me until i snapped and said i was leaving. that was his thing - making it seem that he had no choice but to let me go blah blah blah.

within 6 months of starting over and living alone, i had my last drink. i was at the point of stop, or die. i nearly did die. nobody was there for me; i was just s selfish drunk.

the thing is with drunks, though, is that each and every one of them has a story to tell. i went to AA and worked the 12 steps with a sponsor. i think i only ever met one person who was all eh, i just drink too much. the rest had stories of wrecked childhoods, mental illness, disastrous or non-existent families. lots of people were children of alcoholics.

you are of course entitled to walk away from this, your wife sounds like she is in a bad place. do you have any idea why? i mean, my main issue is being a child of alcoholic parents, with a skewed idea of family and no self esteem. i was also desperately depressed and XH did not make life easy for me. our marriage held toxic secrets that i could only live with by piling on the booze.

i’m four years sober next month. either support your wife, or don’t, but understand that once drinking is this bad, it’s very hard to regain control without intervention. not from family, like on the telly, but from AA, or the GP, or local alcohol services. none of this will even scratch the surface without that desire to live, though, and nobody can find that but the alcoholic themselves.

i’m sorry you’re both going through this. please, either hold on properly without judging or trying to control every last thing, or let go completely. if there’s a middle way, it tends to just be one of the stops on the way to full-on chaos, and only delays the inevitable.

al-anon might help. it’s a bit weird, but the support might be what you need right now. be well.

senua · 08/03/2018 08:44

The timing is not great - today is International Women's Day and Sunday is Mother's Day - but I wouldn't blame you for ending it. Don't do it today when you are cross and she is hung-over & not processing properly.
Get your ducks in a row (eg contact a locksmith) and do it in about a week's time.
I wouldn't worry about the money side too much at this stage. It seems to be her problem, not yours.

You don't need anyone's "permission" to end a relationship. If it's not working then end it.

TamaraDrankMyMilk · 08/03/2018 08:45

I would have filmed her and shown her when she is sober to see the extent of her own behaviour. She is in denial about how bad it is.

But I would also tell her to leave.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/03/2018 08:50

You can’t help her until she helps herself. Give her 4 weeks notice, this is no way to live.

StealthPolarBear · 08/03/2018 08:54

Not a pizza eater, most people are saying that this way round!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/03/2018 08:55

Okay, so she needs to leave, it sounds like she does have somewhere to go. You don't have to live like this, it wasn't part of the deal, she hasn't made any effort to change. She is a mature woman, her behaviour is intolerable, free yourself.
Listen up !

emmyrose2000 · 08/03/2018 08:58

YANBU

I'd kick out a partner who behaved like this, male or female.

She's an alcoholic. She may or may not stop drinking at some point in her life, but if it does happen, it will only be when she's ready. That day may be tomorrow, or it may be 20 years from now. Either way, you don't have to waste your life waiting for something that might not even happen.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/03/2018 08:59

@exWifebeginsat40 what a very kind and insightful post that is. I hope the OP reads it carefully. I wish you all the very best and bloody well done on your 4 years sober

OP you sound like you're just numb and ground down by it all now. Not surprisingly. If it were me she'd be gone by now. Good luck to you

upsideup · 08/03/2018 09:00

Kick her out, its no way for you to live and I say that with an
alcoholic husband, when we met he knew he had a problem, he wanted help and he was trying to stop so I stayed, supported him and he now hasnt had a drink for 10 years.
If he behaved like your DP it would of destroyed our relationship.

acquiesce · 08/03/2018 09:14

Hi OP,
What an awful situation to be in. I can relate to an extent; I have had quite a volatile relationship with alcohol in the past, I have quite an addictive personality (so for example I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic, or a food addict, etc) and I’m not that great at moderation. For example, I can go weeks without having a drink then get a night out and go mental. My addictions take many forms for example at one point it was shopping and I ran up 20k of debt I am aware it’s a personalirt

Qvar · 08/03/2018 09:16

Nobody deserves to live with an alcoholic

Ps when you tell her to leave she will break down and beg, and promise you the world. Hold firm, she will not change

acquiesce · 08/03/2018 09:19

DS sat on my phone and sent that before I was finished! I’ll start again...

I am aware it’s a personality flaw and am having counselling and adjusting my medication to work on this... anyway, when it was alcohol that I was ‘doing too much of’ I could see it was upsetting DH. We had a discussion over about a week over it and I made the decision to stop - I chose my family.
I wasn’t an alcoholic though and had no physical trouble stopping or even psychological, cause my mindset is very all or nothing.
Wetting the bad is a MASSIVE sign of alcoholism - if the love has gone from your relationship then by all means give her notice to leave however if you want to work on it, talk to her, give her a chance to change and maybe access your community alcohol team. AA is an option but NOT the only option - smart recovery has been really beneficial to a few I know in recovery. Its not focused on a higher power and you don’t need to do anything like the whole ‘hi my name is x and I’m an alcoholic’ which can be humiliating and black and white for some. Good luck

AuntyElle · 08/03/2018 09:30

Just an additional thought, what is your relationship with her son like? Would you stay in contact with him? Only I’d imagine it’ll be a very difficult time for him too.
This might be helpful for him either way: www.nacoa.org.uk/young-people/help-and-advice.html

MissEliza · 08/03/2018 11:49

Nobody deserves to live with an alcoholic. My dm is a recovered alcoholic. When she was drinking it was awful at home. It was as if her body had been possessed by someone else because it wasn't her. I begged my dad to throw her out. TBH if he had, she'd probably be dead now. However they were married with two dcs so he couldn't just chuck her out. This is not the case with the Op. We all deserve to be happy and you can't be happy living with an alcoholic.

pointythings · 08/03/2018 12:17

As the soon to be ex wife of an alcoholic I say give her notice and get out. You are her safety net. By putting up with her behaviour you are enabling her. She will not change until she is ready to.

Do go to Al-Anon or similar for strength and support though.

specialsubject · 08/03/2018 13:24

I dont see how religious festival and a randomly chosen date have any relevance. Kick her out, her choice how far down her rock bottom is.

Frazzled2207 · 08/03/2018 18:51

Yanbu at all to kick her out. The only circumstance in which It would be ok to continue would be if she acknowledged she had a problem and promised to seek proper help, but even in that case you'd not be unreasonable to tell her to leave. It's how much notice you want to give that's debatable, I'd say the shorter the better because she's almost certainly going to beg you to change your mind.

LeighaJ · 08/03/2018 19:01

ZeroToleranceLeft

Sounds like you've tried to work it out before and it just can't be because she won't admit she has a problem so I agree it's time for you to move on without her.

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