To see ex once a week.

[FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin]

Recently ended an emotionally abusive marriage of 5 years (Ex = ‘Sam’). I was a single parent when I met Sam and DD knows Sam as ‘dad’ as he was on the scene since she was 4, married when she was 7. Her real dad - not interested.

For the last 4 months since separating we’ve been having dinner at home once a week and she tells him about school etc. I would not have her meet him alone as he has very very poor judgment about many things. It breaks my heart each time we have these dinners.

I feel like I can’t move on, but I can’t sever DDs relationship with her stepdad.

I'd be inclined to cut ties

And so DD loses her ‘dad’?

The man is abusive and his not her dad anyway so yes I’d absolutely cut ties. I wouldn’t want somebody abusive in my child’s life

Could you find someone else to supervise the contact?

Good on both of you for putting her first.

How was he as a father figure?

RoseandRose

I was quite isolated and am still building myself up but have have no one I would be able to ask such a regular favour.

Ebony

He was fine apart from destroying the child’s mother emotionally

If you don't trust his judgement and he's been abusive then yes cutting ties is ok. It would be different if he was your DDs biological father but he isn't. Maybe gradually reduce contact so your DD doesn't notice him suddenly disappearing so much.

Think forward, to when she's older. Do you want her to have a loving relationship with the man who destroys her mother emotionally? He's not even her dad.

If it breaks your heart he's probably still emotionally abusing you on some level. End it.

I would cut ties now while you can. Do you think he's going to hang about forever acting like her dad if he isn't. It's harsh but when he moves on he will leave her behind so doing it now might be best for her

I can tell you now, the only reason he is coming to weekly dinners is because he gets to see you. It isn’t for the child. He is clinging on to what ever part of you he can get and this will go on until he realises you aren’t taking him back. Make up a new boyfriend and watch what happens.

NotAllTimsWearCapes

So you don’t think stepparents can have a genuine connection with stepchildren?

Emotionally abusive people tend not to have such loving relationships with their victims. More controlling. When their power has been removed. Like I said, drop in the fact you have a new boyfriend and see how long he sticks around for your daughter.

Or arrange for their contact to take place without you there. Although you won’t do that because he isn’t safe for her to be around. And yet you insist she is.

He’s emotionally abusive. He has no legal rights to contact with her (presumably, unless he adopted her?). Really, cut ties. In the long run he will hurt her one way or another. My abusive ex- and “father” of my children has rights to see them. There’s nothing I can do about this but believe me, if I could, I would. I can already see they will get hurt by him at some point and I will be picking up the pieces.

You owe this man nothing and neither does your daughter. Get rid of him for good.

I think you need to look to the future about how this will work; if you don’t trust him to take what I can only guess is your 12 year old out if you married when she was 7 then will you have him over for dinner forever each week?
A lot of children that age go out on their own with friends so what is it that you’re so worried about with his poor judgment? I’m inclined to think that if you don’t trust him alone with her then there should be any contact
Also if you meet someone else in the future how will this then progress?
Most importantly if he’s been emotionally abusive then you should not be having regular contact with him and you need to consider whether his behaviours will impact on your daughter. If he’ll act the same way then I would slowly reduce and end the contact. Also is some of his motivation to keep control over you which often happens.

fifi

I'd rather my daughter didn't have a "father figure" that emotionally abused her mother

@fifvoldemorteschavvycousin just curious here but who initiated the dinner once a week together thing? You or him?

Cockadoodie

I can’t remember- probably me.

Cut ties. It's not your daughter's dad so there is no need for contact. Yes step parents can have a connection to a child but when he's been abusive there's going to be a negative impact on your daughter.

You may not think your dd will have picked up on his behaviour, but she will have.

What she sees is that he treats you so badly the relationship ends and he leaves, but you welcome him into your home and give him tea?

That's not a healthy view of a relationship for her.

If you must facilitate contact, you need to find another way.

So you don’t think stepparents can have a genuine connection with stepchildren?

Nobody has said that - don't be disingenuous.

The point is this. A person who decides that 'emotionally destroying' a person he is supposed to love is exactly the kind of person you should be fighting tooth and nail to keep away from your young, vulnerable daughter. You are so, so lucky that this man isn't her biological father and to be in the position where you can decide to cut ties. So make that decision. Yes, he'll abuse her in the same way.

When she is a bit older, you with be able to control when they meet and once again he will have access to someone vulnerable, who he can treat how he chooses.

You aren't recovered, he is good at what he does. How do you think this will work out?

Thanks for all the food for thought.

How strange. He's not her Dad, the sooner you get him out her life the better.

He's really not still going to visiting her when he meets someone else or if he has children. So the sooner you cut him out the easier it'll be for her.