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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad and disappointed that my dfamily don't seem very interested in celebrating this?

39 replies

Livingtothefull · 07/03/2018 20:47

DH is very angry and upset about this..I am just feeling sad & but I am not sure if WABU.

Our DS is approaching a landmark birthday. He has severe physical & learning disabilities, he nearly died at birth so it has brought up some difficult memories & we are feeling extra sensitive. But at the same time we are so happy to have him, he is our only DC so we want to celebrate him especially.

We let my family (DB, DS & in laws) know some weeks ago that we wanted to plan a family get together at his birthday. We were invited to a separate family occasion v recently so thought we could discuss plans for his birthday at the same time. Beforehand we invited some of his carers who immediately confirmed they were coming although it was quite short notice for them.

When we met up we said we were planning a get together for family & carers. However most of them said they had already made other arrangements with friends so couldn't come. My DB first of all said he would be free but then when I mentioned his carers were coming & no other family would be there, changed his mind & said it wouldn't work for him.

I don't know if we are just expecting too much….I would really love it if they rallied round & showed how much they want to be there to celebrate DS. But it felt quite embarrassing, when we invited them & got an emphatic no from most people.

It really does feel as if they just don't care that much about DS. But maybe I am just feeling oversensitive expecting them to understand that this is a big occasion for us? I just feel to close to this situation to understand if we are being fair & objective.

OP posts:
Thehamsterspajamas · 07/03/2018 20:51

No you definitely are not being unreasonable. It is your sons birthday and by the sounds of it and important one at that. Of course his extended family should be there to celebrate the day. I feel really hurt on your behalf and I’m not surprised your DH is very upset. You are not expecting too much at all. So sorry you are going through this.

Rosamund1 · 07/03/2018 20:54

Some people are just shitty people, unfortunately, and it is sad if you happen to be related to them.

Allthewaves · 07/03/2018 20:56

How much notice did u give

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 07/03/2018 20:58

We gave several weeks notice that we were planning something (though not specific as to what) & of course they all know the date anyway.

OP posts:
minipie · 07/03/2018 20:58

YANBU to be disappointed.

Could you suggest a different day (and do something just you and DH and DS on his actual bday)?

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 07/03/2018 21:00

We already have something extra planned in the evening for him…we could plan a separate celebration on another day but DH has already said he doesn't want to bother.

OP posts:
Claydermansgirl · 07/03/2018 21:00

Id probably be tempted to give their future celebrations a body swerve, no sorry that's no good for us type of reply should do. Your poor ds. I hope he has a wonderful time without them. Flowers

SingaSong12 · 07/03/2018 21:02

How much contact do these relatives generally have with your DS? If they are generally supportive then this might just be they forgot.

If not why? Is it difficult for them to meet him due to his needs or have they tried to avoid contact before?

Either way I think it's natural to be hurt by it. If they have been unsupportive or even hostile these are not the people to celebrate with.

elizzza · 07/03/2018 21:04

It sounds like you checked the date with the carers then just told your family it was happening then and are upset they have plans? I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry.

I appreciate it’s your son’s actual birthday, which they know the date of, but birthdays are often celebrated at a convenient date close to the actual date. Do your family have a history of not seeming interested in your son which has made you react like this?

Can you have a celebration with the carers and work out a separate date when your family are free? If you offer this and they don’t seem interested enough to work out a date then no, YANBU at all.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 07/03/2018 21:19

It's at times like this that show you who the 'givers' are and who the 'takers' are. You gave them plenty of notice and for reasons they haven't shared with you, they don't want to come. It's appalling behaviour. Don't change your plans to accommodate them. There's not much worse in my opinion than people who don't want to be there, being forced to spend time with you on your birthday. ( My parents, in my case.) Have the celebration and enjoy the fact that despite all the odds you have your ds with you to celebrate his birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day with him and he has a lovely day too.Thanks

FrancisCrawford · 07/03/2018 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryMaDeary · 07/03/2018 21:25

Id probably be tempted to give their future celebrations a body swerve, no sorry that's no good for us type of reply should do. Your poor ds. I hope he has a wonderful time without them. flowers

This.

So sorry, relatives can be shit, can't they?

DS is lucky to have lovely parents and carers Flowers Cake

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 07/03/2018 21:25

I honestly think if they had said 'We're sorry we just can't make it that day but we really want to celebrate DS, could we arrange something for him on another day?' then we wouldn't have reacted like this. But it was just a flat 'no'.

OP posts:
cansu · 07/03/2018 21:26

You are right to be hurt and they are being arses. I would be tempted to tell them how hurt you are and then decline invitations to celebrate their significant events.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/03/2018 21:30

It's no excuse, at all, but is there any chance that they really don't want to do what you've got planned?

I'd still struggle through it; but it seems odd that all of them have declined without suggesting alternative dates or trying to free themselves up.

Thanks for you; and happy birthday for your son when it comes around!

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 07/03/2018 21:33

Some people are scared of disabilities. These are the same people who disappear when there is a cancer diagnosis.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 07/03/2018 21:35

We had planned a lunch at DS favourite restaurant (a nice one) so I'm not sure why they wouldn't want to do that.

OP posts:
unintentionalthreadkiller · 07/03/2018 21:37

Do they perhaps not like the idea of the careers being there?

I hope you have a lovely day with your DS regardless.

emmyrose2000 · 07/03/2018 21:39

YANBU

Your relatives sound awful. Have they always been this nasty towards your son?

AnnabelleLecter · 07/03/2018 21:44

Yanbu. I have experienced something similar.
Some family are there for you, others aren't.
I really don't understand the saying
"Blood is thicker than water".
Some of our friends are more like family to us.

minipie · 07/03/2018 21:46

I honestly think if they had said 'We're sorry we just can't make it that day but we really want to celebrate DS, could we arrange something for him on another day?' then we wouldn't have reacted like this. But it was just a flat 'no'

Yes, that's crap. Sorry.

lonelymelissa · 07/03/2018 21:55

I have sons (now adult) with special needs and I'm afraid my experience is the same as yours, family never wanted to know about any celebration we were organising for them. After a few years I gave up asking and we did our own thing, just us, often going out somewhere for the day or a meal. Their loss. I know it can be upsetting, but to hell with them!! Hope you son has a lovely day xx

HolyShet · 07/03/2018 21:57

I would tell them in no uncertain terms how hurt you are
And "forget" their birthdays forevermore

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/03/2018 21:59

It sounds like it’s the careers being there that is the issue for them. You said you wanted to mark the occasion with family but you have now extended that to his carers, who I assume do that as their paid job each day? They might wonder why you’re not doing something with his carers to celebrate during their normal working pattern, rather than inviting them to the family occasion as well?

Or is it that DS physically needs his carers to be there during the Birthday?

carefreeeee · 07/03/2018 22:15

Could you tell them how hurt you are? They sound very thoughtless but perhaps don't understand how much this means to you. (although it should be obvious of course)

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