To feel sad and disappointed that my dfamily don't seem very interested in celebrating this?

[Livingtothefull]

DH is very angry and upset about this..I am just feeling sad & but I am not sure if WABU.

Our DS is approaching a landmark birthday. He has severe physical & learning disabilities, he nearly died at birth so it has brought up some difficult memories & we are feeling extra sensitive. But at the same time we are so happy to have him, he is our only DC so we want to celebrate him especially.

We let my family (DB, DS & in laws) know some weeks ago that we wanted to plan a family get together at his birthday. We were invited to a separate family occasion v recently so thought we could discuss plans for his birthday at the same time. Beforehand we invited some of his carers who immediately confirmed they were coming although it was quite short notice for them.

When we met up we said we were planning a get together for family & carers. However most of them said they had already made other arrangements with friends so couldn't come. My DB first of all said he would be free but then when I mentioned his carers were coming & no other family would be there, changed his mind & said it wouldn't work for him.

I don't know if we are just expecting too much….I would really love it if they rallied round & showed how much they want to be there to celebrate DS. But it felt quite embarrassing, when we invited them & got an emphatic no from most people.

It really does feel as if they just don't care that much about DS. But maybe I am just feeling oversensitive expecting them to understand that this is a big occasion for us? I just feel to close to this situation to understand if we are being fair & objective.

Mean sods.

Are they being snobby or something because the caters will be there?

Of course they should celebrate your lovely boy’s birthday and join you.

I would telll them you feel hurt.

It's a shame we can't choose our family. YANBU. Your family suck! (So does mine). Hope your DS has a lovely day with people who love and care about him. Two fingers up to those who can't be arsed. Your DS will have a better day without them. Don't ever accept an invitation to any of their important celebrations - bastards!!! Xx

They sound horrid and selfish. And your boy doesn't need them to have an amazing day surrounded by love and celebration.

How are they with your DS the rest of the time? Do they have a good relationship with him normally?

YANBU. My youngest brother has severe CP with a massively shortened life expectancy, has had several massive operations and a few scary moments. For his thirteenth birthday we planned a huge family celebration and family were tripping over themselves to come because of how important my brother is to our family. I think we would have reacted the same as you if they'd said no because it is so important to celebrate the landmark birthdays and celebrate how far your wonderful son has come :)

I agree that it sounds as if it's the inclusion of the carers which have put them off.

God knows why!

to you OP. You'll have a great time without them x

I’m struggling to see how the inclusion of DSs carers is affecting their decision. A birthday can surely be about all the important people in DSs and your lives, not just family. It’s just shitty behaviour and very sad because they are choosing not to come to such an important celebration and share the occasion.

Clutching at straws but could it be money related if it's at a restaurant? Would they need to pay for meals?

I don’t see a problem with this. I’m from a large family, each of us have kids that are the centre of our worlds but we don’t expect each other to attend birthday parties for the kids.

I’m not sure many adults would want to take time out of their lives to sit with a bunch of kids watching presents being opened (normally at a soft play accompanied by lots of screaming).

I think you shouldn’t take it personally and instead focus your energy on enjoying your day with DS.

Sorry but I think YABU, a few weeks (if you mean like three or four) is simply too short notice for the majority of people. If someone asked me to do something in April right now it'd be too late unless it just happened to be one of my few free days, chances are I'd already have plans.

In the future you need to give people some more advanced warning if you want them to celebrate with you. A couple of months ideally. His birthday is set in stone so was there a reason you have left it so late to plan?

However most of them said they had already made other arrangements with friends so couldn't come

This just confirms what I thought re too short notice.

As for your brother, that's a bit odd but perhaps he thought it'd be encroaching if it was just immediate family and carers with him being the only non immediate family member. Or maybe he didn't think he'd enjoy it without the rest of the family. Which isn't ideal and I can see might be a bit hurtful but you shouldn't tar the entire family with the same brush as all but him obviously have plans already.

It's also possible your brother forgot a prior commitment and then checked his diary and realised so had to let you know he couldn't attend.

I think its the inclusion of his Carers.

If his difficulties are of the nature that he will need them for the rest of his life, then I can understand you wanting to include them, in some ways.

Them not being Family and are there because they are paid workers, does change the dynamics which not everyone would be comfortable with.

Couldn't you have an honest conversation with your Family?

Yanbu. My DS has severe learning difficulties and both my family and my in laws don't give a shit. They all pretend they do, but they're not remotely interested. They can't even communicate with him as they can't be bothered to learn his system. We have a couple of milestone birthdays coming up in the family soon, and I'm expected to be full of joy and ready to celebrate: I actually feel like telling them where to stick their birthday cake. My DS's last birthday was a farce - I was getting texts on the actual day as people 'forgot' - even though we were talking about it the week before - and there were cards still turning up a week later. I just think that their attitude is 'he doesn't understand, so it doesn't matter' - it matters to ME. I just feel my DS is treated rather shabbily compared to his cousins and MIL's OH's GC.

Oh how mean. YANBU at all.

Thank you all. I understand just where you are coming from Piffle; that attitude that DS won't understand when he is being snubbed. Actually he understands a lot more than he lets on & even if he doesn't, I understand & am upset when it happens.

Anyway, to update: a couple of members of the family thought better of this & did actually attend. I think they were concerned about the carers being there & didn't understand why it wasn't just family who were being invited.

They had suggested having a separate catchup when everyone was free, I said that they shouldn't think they weren't welcome but the carers had been in DS life since he was tiny and DS wanted them there. I explained that it was a huge occasion for us because we never thought he would survive. I didn't tell them they had to be there, because tbh I didn't want anyone there who didn't want to be there.

So a couple of family members attended & we had a really lovely day with the people who were there