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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH should allow DC to have a birthday party

74 replies

Mittenskittensandautomobiles · 07/03/2018 14:11

My twins are turning 5 in a few months time. We have never had a party for them that we invited friends to, only small family parties.
This is the first time, because of starting school, that they have lots of friends they would like to invite to a party. However, DH has said no to a party. I have talked to him on several occasions about it as the DTs would love it but he has said a firm no.There have only been two parties at school since they started, despite there being lots of birthdays and so DH said we shouldn't have one either.

The twins are our only children and I like to make as many lovely memories as possible for them. I also had a party every year growing up where as DH only ever had one party as a child and that was apparently because he begged his mother for one.

I just don't understand why he is so adamant that the DC cannot have a party? I also feel annoyed that he gets to put his foot down, leaving me with no say in the matter.

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 07/03/2018 16:00

He is being ridiculous and mean. Tell him they will be having a party but it is not obligatory for him to attend. Good luck.

BertrandRussell · 07/03/2018 16:01

“Hold a party but do it at the local soft play. The twins have their party, he doesn't have his house invaded by hordes of other people's children.”

Blimey. The 1920s called - they want their attitudes back.

HobnobBob · 07/03/2018 16:02

Go against his wishes? It’s a children’s party ffs! It’s not like you’ve told him you’re buying a puppy.

I wonder if you’re not ‘allowed’ to go against his wishes with everything else in life either.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 07/03/2018 16:07

So you are too afraid of making your dh angry? So you would rather make your dc upset? Why does his feelings trump theirs? Just be an adult. If you want to have a party for your dc then just have one. It would literally never occur to me to ask my dh about something like that, or vice versa. I can't understand the mentality of the both of you to be honest.

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 16:09

I could understand if he was concerned about finance and didn't want to spend £100 on a cake , but he doesn't have any reason.

At the very least he should compromise: you want a big party (well, say you do), he doesn't want one, so you should be able to settle for a small gathering: 10-12 kids at a soft play, they deal with everything, you provide the supermarket cake, job done.

Or he could be the one renting a hall and inviting the entire class (doesn't cost more in this case) and setting a nice precedent for other parents.

he's nuts if he doesn't do his own thing, if others start spending £300-£400 on parties, is he gong to follow?

GnotherGnu · 07/03/2018 16:12

However, I feel if i just go ahead with the party he will say i've gone against his wishes and be angry about it.

Tell him that is your wish to have a party and he should not go against your wishes.

HobnobBob · 07/03/2018 16:12

10-12 kids at a soft play, they deal with everything, you provide the supermarket cake, job done

I love soft play parties, you turn up with a cake. Sit for two hours with a cuppa while the children run around like crazy, then they eat and you have no clearing up to do. Winner. The only decision you have to make is hot or cold party food.

resipsa · 07/03/2018 16:13

As someone with a 7 year old and 2 year old who has hosted 8 parties to date, I don't get the big deal. Do what you and the children want.

Troels · 07/03/2018 16:16

Just do it. Tell him you have decided you want them to have it and have wonderful memories of childhood, if he doesn't want to come he can stay home and mope. Soft play sounds like a great idea for this age.
My Dh used to work long hours and moan that I wanted to do things with the kids. I told him I was making their childhood full of happy memories unlike his piss poor childhood full of crap times, not memories of being at home waiting for Dad to come home all summer, he shut up and left me too it.

BaronessBomburst · 07/03/2018 16:17

@BertrandRussell How's that 1920s? I don't want my house invaded by hordes of other people's children. I can't think of anything worse! It's my house and I don't want it full of people, crisps, sticky fingers, and spilt drinks. Playdates are bad enough and then there's only three of them. DS still has parties. Just not here.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/03/2018 16:17

Hold the party. Tell him there will be a party - have it at a village hall or softplay or something - that it will not impact him, and he doesn't even need to attend, but that it's not his decision and you will not discuss it further. If he gets aggressive or makes attempts to prevent it from happening, then you will know you need to think about exiting this marriage, because it is very bad for both you and DC to live with a man who insists that you all obey him in everything.

Troels · 07/03/2018 16:18

BTW if you don't exert some sort of authority and have your wishes and wants be as important as his, your marriage is in for a life of misery.

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 16:23

BaronessBomburst
totally with you, as much as I like entertaining, no kids parties here:
no worry about people turning ridiculously early or not living, turning with too many siblings, the awkwardness of parents not knowing if they stay or not, the mess, having to lock the siblings rooms, the organising and I can't be bothered to entertain children.

The weather is too unpredictable in this country to plan something like a treasure hunt outside.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2018 16:31

It's not his decision.

It's time to flex a muscle or two here.

He does sound an utter twat btw

AnimalDaze · 07/03/2018 16:32

Tell him that is your wish to have a party and he should not go against your wishes

^This. His wishes don't trump yours because he has a penis and you don't.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 07/03/2018 16:35

Go against his wishes. Let him sulk. If he could offer a reasonable explanation for his desire not to have one fair enough, but he doesn't have one and is clearly a bit of a tosser.

cansu · 07/03/2018 16:39

He doesn't get to just say no. He needs to give a good reason why a party isn't a good idea. If you are prepared to do the work and finances allow, there does not appear to be any good reason. If he is generally an arse then this might be a time to stop discussing things with him and start being assertive.

Isetan · 07/03/2018 16:41

He only gets to ‘put his foot down’ because you enable it. The threat of a row is to get you to STFU, which appears to be a successful tactic.

There’s no point in handwringing. Are you really prepared to forgo your children having Birthday parties because their Dad says so, what kind of message does that send them about you and women in general.

meandmytinfoilhat · 07/03/2018 16:43

Have the party. Your husband is being an idiot.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 07/03/2018 16:48

If he’s so keen to do the same as everyone else, tell him that when your DTs are 17 and demand a party ‘because everyone else is having one’ it’s on him

UrgentScurryfunge · 07/03/2018 16:54

DS is the same age group. I need to get on with organising a party for him. He wants one and we have the means to organise it.
He hasn't been to one yet but has seen his older siblings go to lots. There were a few birthdays right at the start of the school year and there were some little parties with the nursery clique, then there's been a long gap. There won't be any parties if no one organises them so other than keeping a bit of money why sabbotage DS's social life long term by being churlish about it.
I'm going for the easiest soft play option.

DH is being completely unreasonable in his grounds for vetoing a party which for twins is particularly efficient. It's for their pleasure for their birthday, not for him!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/03/2018 17:00

Mine have always had them from pre school until high school when it drops off. They have lovely memories of them.

I had none growing up and hated being different from other chidren in not having those kind of things.

I'd do it anyway if you are financing it and organising it.

littletinyme1 · 07/03/2018 17:03

Your poor kiddies. 5 years old!! Tell husband you have a foot too and you are putting it down about this. It's fucking outrageous that he gets to decree what you can and cannot do!! Is he controlling you in other ways?
Invite every child in their class.- pl don't leave any poor kiddie out
Have a party!
Do it somewhere away from grumpy bollocks
Have lots of fun, games, cake, balloon and more fun.

I have always felt that it is a parent's natural instinct to give their children an easier life than they had? If you were miserable because your parents didn't have parties, why would you do the same with your own kids?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2018 17:17

My dd has had a party every year of her life from age 1. She’ll be 10 soon. Your husband sounds grumpy as hell. Time to put a stop to the way his family didn’t celebrate birthdays.

There are so many parties to be had, at home with a bouncy castle, soft play, hiring village hall with a bouncy castle, etc etc. I’m surprised there haven’t been many parties. Or perhaps it is that your dds haven’t been invited to many as they’ve been smaller. But dds class mainly did whole class parties for the first year so she went to loads.

You need to make memories with your children. Have them look back at how much they were wanted and loved. No a party isn’t everything. But why begrudge it when you can afford it?

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