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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should allow DC to have a birthday party

74 replies

Mittenskittensandautomobiles · 07/03/2018 14:11

My twins are turning 5 in a few months time. We have never had a party for them that we invited friends to, only small family parties.
This is the first time, because of starting school, that they have lots of friends they would like to invite to a party. However, DH has said no to a party. I have talked to him on several occasions about it as the DTs would love it but he has said a firm no.There have only been two parties at school since they started, despite there being lots of birthdays and so DH said we shouldn't have one either.

The twins are our only children and I like to make as many lovely memories as possible for them. I also had a party every year growing up where as DH only ever had one party as a child and that was apparently because he begged his mother for one.

I just don't understand why he is so adamant that the DC cannot have a party? I also feel annoyed that he gets to put his foot down, leaving me with no say in the matter.

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 07/03/2018 14:42

Let him be angry. His choice.

Just calmly tell him you've listened to what he has to say, you disagree, and think the DC would enjoy a party. Then hold the party.

Not only is it not fair on the DC, but that's a dangerous slope you're stepping on there. Giving him a veto over what you do. Only ever doing what he approves of. A partnership where you discuss things, great. A partnership where you're not allowed your own point of view? Where he gets his own way by threatening a tantrum? Not good.

fusushumi · 07/03/2018 14:48

If he begged his mother for one when he was a child, you'd think he would understand why it is important to your twins?

KateAdiesEarrings · 07/03/2018 14:53

He's had four years of no parties on their birthdays. Now it's your turn to celebrate their birthday how they and you want.
But you also need to deal with the larger issue that he thinks he can dictate and get angry if you don't obey. That isn't a pattern you want to encourage or support.

Strugglingtodomybest · 07/03/2018 14:54

If that's really his only reason then I would go ahead and organise a party anyway.

JaneEyre70 · 07/03/2018 14:55

Who made him ruler of the world? Book a bloody party, he's cruel and unhinged at best. Stand up for your kids, for their sakes. They will grow up hating him Sad

ChasedByBees · 07/03/2018 14:55

He doesn’t have to go or be involved in any way so it doesn’t affect him. Have a party.

Shinycat · 07/03/2018 14:57

Who the fuck does your DH think he is? Hmm

Why does HIS wishes override yours?

Arrange the party, and have the party. Fuck him.

liquidrevolution · 07/03/2018 15:00

It is absolutely the right time to have a party. Maybe the only 2 invites is because your DC haven't mixed much. This will help them. I am not doing a 4th for my DD as all her nursery friends are off to different schools so will just do a small picnic but will def do one when she is 5.

Fwiw I think your DH is a twat.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/03/2018 15:05

If his problem is doing something others don’t do, is he socially awkward in other ways too? Could your DH have autism?

If not, he’s very controlling & very unpleasant. Not the sort of man I’d want to raise children with, nor live with myself.

ilovekitkats · 07/03/2018 15:11

If finances aren't an issue then your DH IBVU. 5 is the perfect age to age to have a class party. If they want one they should have one, irrelevant of what other people do. Maybe there haven't been very many birthdays yet, there are still 5 months left almost to the end of term!

It sounds like he doesn't want them to have one because he never had many. You should remind him how he felt as a child not being allowed parties.

If you don't want much work, you can hire a bouncy castle. You can do packed lunch style lunchboxes if you don't want trays and trays of food.

It doesn't have to cost much and if you have plenty of helpers, then do it.

Your DH shouldn't always get to decide what goes on.

LannieDuck · 07/03/2018 15:19

It's exactly the right age to have a party - they'd love it. I'm surprised there haven't been more parties amongst the school friends - DD's reception year was heavy with party invites!

However, I wonder if there might be a middle-ground - would he agree to a 'birthday tea' with 3-4 of their closest friends? Jelly, ice-cream, party hats and balloons?

itsgoodtobehome · 07/03/2018 15:22

He is being VU. I just booked my DS’s birthday party (after consultation with ds) and told dh when and where he needed to be. He was just relieved that I had organised it all and he just has to show up. Why would your dh not want your twins to have a party?

XJerseyGirlX · 07/03/2018 15:23

Come on op, his view doesn't trump yours. Just hold the damn party. I don't see what the issue is unless your scared of him for some reason? So what if he gets angry, I'm sure he will calm down eventually.

Phineyj · 07/03/2018 15:23

You need to nip this in the bud. What on earth with your DH do later on if DTs want to take up a hobby not many other people do, play an unusual sport, maybe have a non-mainstream sexuality, take up a different religion to you (if you have one)... DC are not copies of us and we don't have to do what the neighbours do!

If everyone waited to what everyone else did there wouldn't be any parties. Having a party for twins is actually efficient (especially if they're in the same class) -- many other families will be needing to do XYZ because they did it for the younger one.

I would be saying DH, parties are fun, the DC will enjoy it and we can offer this hospitality to other people and people will be pleased - we could even start a trend

If he was still making a fuss, I would be pointing out that parties are for the DC, not the adults! It's not about us!

Phineyj · 07/03/2018 15:23

Sorry, what on earth will your DH do...

Whoville · 07/03/2018 15:24

Is there another child with a birthday near the twins who you could share a party with? If it’s the same class mates then it will not make much of a difference guest wise but might persuade your husband it’s the norm (though I don’t see why you should have to do this)

SweetIcedTea · 07/03/2018 15:37

I see this so often on here and on FB groups "DH says I can/can't have ...." "DH is letting me ...." and similar.

Have we gone back in time?? Is this about men bringing home the money and being in charge of spending it?

It's 2018 FFS.

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/03/2018 15:38

But others are having parties.

It is a slippery slope to jump on to saying you can only do things if others are doing it.

Wait till your twins get to 16/18 and all the parents are getting divorced. Is he going to divorce you because everyone else is doing that.

UserSnoozer · 07/03/2018 15:41

They're your children too. Tell him you'll take his views into consideration but you think it'll be a nice thing so will do the paying for and organising and it won't be at your home so it has 0 impact on him.

blackteasplease · 07/03/2018 15:44

I agree you must put your foot down and hold the party any way. He doesn't get to choose. If he gets angry there's something wrong with him not you!

chocatoo · 07/03/2018 15:44

Tell him that you are v disappointed with having to say no to the party and sad that all you will be able to do is invite a few of their friends for tea (ie a party)

mamalovebird · 07/03/2018 15:47

Going against his wishes??? Is he Victorian??

I have done parties for both my DCs every year, although the last two for DD on my own as DH had to take DS to football. The DCs love a party and we enjoy seeing them having a ball!

Reception year parties are a good way to get to know other school parents. There may not have been many so far as they've only been at school a few months so parents might not have any idea of friendship groups etc.

If I were in your situation I'd just do it. His reasons for not having a party aren't good enough for me.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/03/2018 15:48

Firstly l, your husband sounds very cruel.

Secondly, it makes me feel uncomfortable that you are too scared to have a birthday party for your children because it’s going against his wishes. That just doesn’t sit right with me.

BaronessBomburst · 07/03/2018 15:53

Hold a party but do it at the local soft play. The twins have their party, he doesn't have his house invaded by hordes of other people's children.

NoSquirrels · 07/03/2018 15:57

Weird. If my DH said we couldn’t have a party for our DC because “no one else has” I’d say we’re hsvung a party so that we can help the DC mix with their peers, get to know the parents a bit more (everyone always hung around at Reception parties) and to make fun memories. Not because it’s “the done thing”.

Financial constraints would be the only good reason not to, IMO.

Have the argument. I bloody would- hesnit acting in the interests of his children.