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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my hubby would help more when I'm unwell?

38 replies

Muddle1977 · 07/03/2018 13:23

So I had quite a busy and stressful weekend and went to bed with a temp usual time Sunday evening.

My little girl woke me up twice through the night (just moved her into toddler bed so a novelty getting out of it at the moment)! I also woke up inbetween her wakings desperate for a wee, went to loo, back to bed. At about 5.30am I woke up having dreamed I has bad belly ache and severe pain down below....went to the loo shaking with high temp and realised I have a water infection.

I asked hubby to do the school run (2 separate schools) and I'd stay in and look after our 2 year old. He said he couldn't help but 20 minutes later when I was bent over crippled in pain he said he'd help.....reluctantly. His employer was fine him having a shorter day but my hubby on the other hand was worrying about not being at work and being agitated with me and the kids. That evening he got quite argumentative with me and I apologised for being ill. I had a temperature of 102 and was weeing blood at that point, had severe pain down below, belly ache, back ache and felt sick.

Drs confirmed Monday evening that I have a severe UTI and have sent my sample off for further testing. I am now on 10ml/25mg antibiotics 4 times daily for 10 days.

Yesterday, my parents came to do the school runs for me, they live 30 mins away. My Dad wasn't working but is today...he was up at 4.15am and won't finish until 5pm tonight....he's 70 next month. My Mum works full time still (66 next week) and was in late. My hubby left at 7.10am for work and had a private job booked in yesterday evening and didn't get in until 8.45pm by which point I felt awful.

I was willing to have all our kids at home with me as couldn't be far from a toilet but my parents care and offered to help.

So I asked my hubby to pop to the little Tesco on the way home to get a few essentials and more so for my kids packing up. He said that's why he was so late and blamed it on me. He didn't even go to Tesco, he went to the Co-op which he knows is no good as it doesn't sell what I needed him to get...needless to say I didn't get the bits I needed. He said he doesn't like our little Tesco and wasn't passing it....he has to on the way home?!

I'd managed to cook tea and left his in the oven and texted him to tell him. He comes in opens the oven, puts his tea in the bin and says it's ok I've got a Chinese!!!

I'd put the 2 youngest to bed, done the packing up, cleaned up after the kittens and my eldest walked the dog.

He tells me last night that he's busy working evenings the rest of the week but I remind him it's Beavers tonight, so reluctantly he said he'd help with the dropping and picking up. He's still busy Thurs and Fri night.

I reminded him of Mother's Day this Sunday and said although I don't expect anything, I expect our kids might want to do something. It's unfair to expect my Mum, who although working is hobbling around due to bad arthritis, to have to get cards and prezzies, on behalf of our kids, for me. He can't do it Saturday as kids at my parents as I have MRI scan.

He didn't call until 3pm yesterday and told me he's tired my mobile earlier....that was a fib....no missed call! He hasn't phoned today.

So AIBU? I know he has a full time job and he's very loyal to his employer. However, why can't he be more understanding and willing to help. I know he becomes easily stressed but I'm hardly ever ill and his employer is great. Why can't he put his family first and maybe rearrange his evening work?

I'm still awaiting the results. I managed the school run this morning and have to do it again the rest of the week. I'm still battling a temperature and pain but hoping I'll soon be on the road to recovery. It's hard. My 2 year old has been a good girl during the day...although no longer wants her daytime nap. My 7 year old boy has been a little so and so when at home and my eldest has been a great help where he can but due to a number of medical conditions he is difficult to manage.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.. .

Xx

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 07/03/2018 13:48

He is being completely selfish. You should not have to apologise for being ill!
I can completely sympathise with you. I've had a UTI this week ( although not quite as bad as yours) so I know how awful you must be feeling. My DH has done the drop offs and pick ups and cooked dinner both nights. He's also checked on me regularly.
He needs a word with himself - this is not the behaviour of someone who cares for you

Original poster
Muddle1977 · 07/03/2018 14:42

Thanks. Sorry to hear you've been unwell and I hope you get better soon.

Yes last night he said he'd tried to settle our daughter at midnight but couldn't help anymore as he has to work! So I sat on the end of her bed shivering with a temp for 10 minutes instead.

He got up this morning and said that getting up during the night was too much for him and he was knackered and denied it was anything to do with working extra hours!

He doesn't help with the morning or bedtime routine, no housework and rarely cools.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 07/03/2018 14:47

To be honest I would never expect my dh to take time off work if I’m ill unless I was in hospital. His work wouldn’t be impressed if the reason he was in late was because his wife was unwell. I sympathise I’ve had some nasty water infections especially when I’ve been pregnant.

He could help with getting a few bits from the shop but he did go to the shop just not the one you wanted him to go to.

He should be helping with bedtime routines and helping out at the weekend though.

Quartz2208 · 07/03/2018 14:48

because he is a selfish arse clearly. That sounds horrible - what does he normally do

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/03/2018 14:49

Of course you're NBU. He sounds like a twat. What sort of husband treats their ill wife like that?

Hope you feel better soon OP. Thank goodness for your parents is all I can say.

StinkyMcgrinky · 07/03/2018 14:55

Sounds like an absolute twat. You’re his wife, not his slave.

I came down with flu this weekend (actual flu, not just a bad cold) which has left me bed bound. DH has done everything for the kids, got them up and out to the CM in the morning, bathed and put to bed in the evening and then cooked me some food and left me in bed to recover and prevent me passing it on the the children. I would absolutely do exactly the same if it was him that was ill. Although we do split things 50/50 all the time.

Get well soon OP Flowers

Penguinsandpandas · 07/03/2018 14:58

I think he's being thoughtless and you're right to expect him to care more. My kids are a bit older so can take themselves to / from school but my DH will do all cooking / shopping / washing up, bring me tea, takes me to hospital appointments and doesn't complain, well very rarely.

nutbrownhare15 · 07/03/2018 15:05

Sounds like he doesn't help much when you're well either. Does he do anything to make your life easier of his own accord or is it always begrudging?

ohtheholidays · 07/03/2018 15:25

Your Husband is being an Arse and a Useless one at that!

If your married does he remember taking his vows through sickness and through health?!

My poor DH has become my carer and our youngest DC's carer after the Hospital buggered up whilst I was having her and it's left us both ill and disabled,I'd only been with my DH for 2 years when that happened and I was already a Mum to 4DC and we hadn't got married yet,my DH is in the Police and is 7 years younger than me and he managed to step up,he has never once complained,the only people he's angry with his the hospital.

Your Husband should be ashamed of himself he really should,would he be happy for his DC to be treated the same way by they're partners when they're adults?!

If you can you need to try and sit down with him and have a proper talk about his lack of caring and support.

Fingers crossed for your MRI and I hope you feel tons better very soon Flowers

Gilead · 07/03/2018 15:30

I've been ill for the last few days. Godawful chest infection, on antibiotics the lot. Dd has it too. Yesterday I took to my bed and stayed in my pjs. Have stayed in pjs today too. Dd and I were chatting and she was saying she couldn't ever remember me having a pj day. (She's 21). Well no, she wouldn't because ex was just like your dh and although I've been ill over the last few days it's bloody lovely not having to worry about how not to put him out over it.
Call him out over it, he's a selfish waste of space at the moment.

Fishface77 · 07/03/2018 15:36

He’s fucking horrible.
Has he got any redeeming features?

Viviennemary · 07/03/2018 15:37

No he is not being selfish. He is making sure he has a job to keep a roof over his family's head and food on the table. You sound a real pain in the neck. I feel sorry for some men. What about single parents they don't have anybody to act as nursemaid to them. Honestly some folk!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/03/2018 15:44

What about single parents? What has that got to do with anything here Viviennemary?
The OP has a husband who hasn't shown her any care whilst been ill. Working and being considerate are allowed you know.

Blaablaablaa · 07/03/2018 15:56

I think you have a bigger problem the. Him just not helping when you’re unwell although I’m guessing this has just highlighted to you how crap he really is.

Unfortunately being a parent means unbroken sleep at times and you just have to get in with it, have an extra coffee and hope you can catch up the next night. One parent shouldn’t take on the burden of disrupted sleep.

What husband makes his poorly wife get out of bed in the middle of the night to do something he could do?

It sounds like he needs to start pulling his weight in other areas too. Would he be receptive to you making some suggestions as to how he can contribute? But don’t ask him to ‘help’ as he lives there too so pulling his weight is just normal behaviour - he isn’t doing you some huge favour.

Penguinsandpandas · 07/03/2018 16:00

Is your husband definitely working all those hours? You sound like you have an awful lot on your plate and its definitely not unreasonable to expect a man to work and help out at home. Hope the MRI is clear.

Blaablaablaa · 07/03/2018 16:01

@viviennemary so a husband isn’t supposed to support his wife? Just because you work and bring in the money doesn’t mean you can check out of the responsibilities of family life. Seeing your wife ill and not stepping up to offer additional support is just plain cruel.

I understand it’s harder for single parents but the OP isn’t a single parent and her husband is acting like a twat

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 16:14

what are you on about Viviennemary? Biscuit for the stupidest comment of the day

It's common human decency to help someone who is unwell, my neighbours take my kids to and back from school when they know I am unwell, and I would pop at the supermarket to get bits to any parent who asks when unwell.

So your spouse... what kind of individual treat someone living with them that way?

YANBU OP, hope you are better soon, of course he should help! They are his kids too for a start.

Dancingmonkey87 · 07/03/2018 16:21

Tbh Viviennemary might have been harsh in her comments but most employers wouldn’t be impressed if their colleague came in later due to there dw being ill unless they were in hospital. I know my dh work wouldn’t be impressed.

Dancingmonkey87 · 07/03/2018 16:21

That’s not to say he shouldn’t help when he comes in from work though!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/03/2018 16:25

If the boss is ok with his staff coming in later that's all that matters really. The OP has said she's rarely ill so her H won't have had to be late very often. It's just about helping your OH out when they're ill. Mucking in and sharing the load. Not a lot to ask in the grand scheme of things and plus it's wasn't like the OP just a bit of a cold or a sore finger. She has been pretty poorly from what she's described.

bastardkitty · 07/03/2018 16:27

I can't tell you how much easier it is to manage being ill on your own with DCs than when you have a H around who literally couldn't give a shit about you. The way he is treating you is despicable. It's awful having a UTI - you must be so upset. Will you be continuing to put up with it?

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 16:32

It's a general attitude, you wouldn't expect most adults to change their work schedule unless there's a real emergency, but they can still show support when they are around, and be pleasant for a start!

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 07/03/2018 16:42

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to deal with DC waking in the night, cook tea, do the lions share of the housework etc. while you're unwell. But I do think it's a bit much to expect him to take time off work and most employers wouldn't be happy about this no matter how accomodating they are.

Kinraddie · 07/03/2018 16:43

He's not showing you much love or compassion is he? He sounds incredibly selfish. I couldn't live with someone who treated me like that. And your parents sound so lovely helping you out. Hope you're feeling better soon and feeling strong enough to start sorting your DH out.

gamerchick · 07/03/2018 16:50

He’s selfish and an ungrateful cock.

Why are you still making his tea? Fuck the twat.

This is what it’s going to be like for the rest of your marriage. What you do with that is up to you but I’m the meantime from right now I would stop spoonfeeding him. He can take care of himself.