To wish my hubby would help more when I'm unwell?

[Muddle1977]

So I had quite a busy and stressful weekend and went to bed with a temp usual time Sunday evening.

My little girl woke me up twice through the night (just moved her into toddler bed so a novelty getting out of it at the moment)! I also woke up inbetween her wakings desperate for a wee, went to loo, back to bed. At about 5.30am I woke up having dreamed I has bad belly ache and severe pain down below....went to the loo shaking with high temp and realised I have a water infection.

I asked hubby to do the school run (2 separate schools) and I'd stay in and look after our 2 year old. He said he couldn't help but 20 minutes later when I was bent over crippled in pain he said he'd help.....reluctantly. His employer was fine him having a shorter day but my hubby on the other hand was worrying about not being at work and being agitated with me and the kids. That evening he got quite argumentative with me and I apologised for being ill. I had a temperature of 102 and was weeing blood at that point, had severe pain down below, belly ache, back ache and felt sick.

Drs confirmed Monday evening that I have a severe UTI and have sent my sample off for further testing. I am now on 10ml/25mg antibiotics 4 times daily for 10 days.

Yesterday, my parents came to do the school runs for me, they live 30 mins away. My Dad wasn't working but is today...he was up at 4.15am and won't finish until 5pm tonight....he's 70 next month. My Mum works full time still (66 next week) and was in late. My hubby left at 7.10am for work and had a private job booked in yesterday evening and didn't get in until 8.45pm by which point I felt awful.

I was willing to have all our kids at home with me as couldn't be far from a toilet but my parents care and offered to help.

So I asked my hubby to pop to the little Tesco on the way home to get a few essentials and more so for my kids packing up. He said that's why he was so late and blamed it on me. He didn't even go to Tesco, he went to the Co-op which he knows is no good as it doesn't sell what I needed him to get...needless to say I didn't get the bits I needed. He said he doesn't like our little Tesco and wasn't passing it....he has to on the way home?!

I'd managed to cook tea and left his in the oven and texted him to tell him. He comes in opens the oven, puts his tea in the bin and says it's ok I've got a Chinese!!!

I'd put the 2 youngest to bed, done the packing up, cleaned up after the kittens and my eldest walked the dog.

He tells me last night that he's busy working evenings the rest of the week but I remind him it's Beavers tonight, so reluctantly he said he'd help with the dropping and picking up. He's still busy Thurs and Fri night.

I reminded him of Mother's Day this Sunday and said although I don't expect anything, I expect our kids might want to do something. It's unfair to expect my Mum, who although working is hobbling around due to bad arthritis, to have to get cards and prezzies, on behalf of our kids, for me. He can't do it Saturday as kids at my parents as I have MRI scan.

He didn't call until 3pm yesterday and told me he's tired my mobile earlier....that was a fib....no missed call! He hasn't phoned today.

So AIBU? I know he has a full time job and he's very loyal to his employer. However, why can't he be more understanding and willing to help. I know he becomes easily stressed but I'm hardly ever ill and his employer is great. Why can't he put his family first and maybe rearrange his evening work?

I'm still awaiting the results. I managed the school run this morning and have to do it again the rest of the week. I'm still battling a temperature and pain but hoping I'll soon be on the road to recovery. It's hard. My 2 year old has been a good girl during the day...although no longer wants her daytime nap. My 7 year old boy has been a little so and so when at home and my eldest has been a great help where he can but due to a number of medical conditions he is difficult to manage.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.. .

Xx

at Viviennemary's comment. Honestly,I get so angry and fed up with hearing about useless men,who won't help out when their other half is ill. And when they DO help,it is done with very bad grace in a grudging manner,and they expect to be praised to the skies for it. This is why I've decided,after the break up of my last relationship,that I'm 'off' men for the time being. There are too many self centred,selfish excuses of men out there for me to take the risk again. Hope you're feeling better soon OP and that you manage to kick your H's arse into gear. for you.

I think Vivienne's post was written for pure goady reasons and to get attention.

My post wasn't written for goady reasons and I don't want attention thanks. If OP's DH was at the pub or watching TV or out with his friends then that would be wrong and selfish. He wasn't. He was At Work. People don't usually stay off work because their partner is feeling ill unless it's an emergency. You just have to manage. Not surprised so many divorced people on MN.

Tbh Viviennemary might have been harsh in her comments but most employers wouldn’t be impressed if their colleague came in later due to there dw being ill unless they were in hospital. I know my dh work wouldn’t be impressed.

But he'd not be taking off because his wife is ill, he'd be taking it off because he choose to have kids and is therefore responsible for them.

He wasn't at work when his ill wife asked him to do the school run, he wasn't at work when she got the dc ready for bed and sorted stuff out. He was inconsiderate and selfish not to help out whilst she's feeling so rank.

Going to work doesn't mean that you are incapable of showing some compassion and digging a bit deeper than usual.

Can I just say as a childless person;

ITS NOT FUCKING HELPING ITS BEING A PARENT!!!!!

Yes @Viviennemary no wonder there’s so many divorced people on MN, ‘cause women realise they don’t have to put up with shit; that it’s not their role in life to facilitate fucking useless arses who somehow can hold down a job but can’t manage a school run.

If he’s the sole earner of the household then yes he cannot just time off work if his wife is ill unless it was an emergency. It wouldn’t go down well with many employers. His attitude when he came home was awful and he should be helping with the kids. I suffer with severe migraines, water infection, spd but dh never took a day off work.

Could you imagine a husband / father posting this? What mother in good health would kick her poorly OH out of bed to settle children in the night? Personally I wouldn't worry about Mothering Sunday, I would rather have the help now. Does he normally take on extra evening jobs or does this coincide with him wanting to avoid work at home.

For all those handwringing about his job, can you please read the OP’s first post. His employer was fine with him doing a short day.

Your other thread implies he's an alcoholic. Is he still keeping off the alcohol?

Jesus wept. I've just read your other thread OP. Honestly I have no idea why you're putting up with this. Life's too short OP.

Hi All

Thanks so much for all your responses, it's great to have your comments - well most of them anyway.

Firstly to address .....

@Viviennemary Wed 07-Mar-18 15:37:32
No he is not being selfish. He is making sure he has a job to keep a roof over his family's head and food on the table. You sound a real pain in the neck. I feel sorry for some men. What about single parents they don't have anybody to act as nursemaid to them. Honestly some folk!

Clearly @Viviennemary you have some chip on your shoulder about being a single parent but this is not the correct talk network for that. I am not a pain in the neck. You appear to be very angry about your life experiences but to make such a comment to someone you have no idea about is unacceptable. I have been a single parent a few years ago and no how tiring that can be too.

Most men who are married with kids have to work and pull their weight, it's called being a parent. He is my husband and all children are his. It's part of a duty as being a parent to share the workload. I worked until I had my third child and now can no longer due so, as need to help my disabled eldest child. Although I don't need to justify myself to you, just for the record, my eldest son has the following conditions. I don't wish to label him but family life with such a complex child is stressful enough, without having another child - hubby - to support.

My eldest has....

Executive Functioning Deficit
Mearles Irlen Syndrome
Social Communication Disorder
ADHD
Anxiety
Dyslexia
Dyscalculia
Emotional Immaturity
Hypermobility

Your further comments too about work.......

His employer granted him a short day for childcare reasons - the school run - as I was unable to do it - otherwise my children would have stayed at home with me for the day. There was no issue there. What the hell has divorce got to do with taking time off work for a loved one?

It's about working as a team, helping out without complaining and not making me feel as if he's done me a huge favour. The kids are his responsibility too.

To those of you who do care....

I managed to sit down and have a word with him. He believed he helped as much as he could under the circumstances. I said yes he did help do the school run, pop to the shop and walk the dog but I wished he'd help without complaining and making me sit with my daughter whilst I was shaking with a temperature was unfair. I said that the first evening when I was really poorly that he could have rearranged his private job but he argued his customer was in a hurry to complete the job.

His mother brought him up to think the bigger the better of everything and you must always go out of your way to make a good impression to others. Sadly, this makes him worry about letting others down, is often false and over the top to others and can often say no to them, but those closest to him get let down.

The past few nights he has been helping more and not worked in the evening since I had a chat with him. He took the kids to Sainsbury's last night....for a few Mothers Day bits....the kids loved it. He is looking at a job tonight. The kids are going over my parents for the night so hopefully I'll get some rest ready for my MRI tomorrow - he's taking me to that too. He's working extra to get some money together to put towards our extension.

Yes, I'm still with him, for right or wrong, but there is an awful lot to lose and when it's good, it's good. He did used to drink but since an incident last summer has not drunk alcohol at all, which I have to give him credit for.

Sometimes, life, gets too much for me and whilst I asked for 3 kids, 1 dog and 2 kittens, it is already stressful, but when I'm ill, it's exhausting. I'm currently under review at the hospital with Gynae and Colorectal having just been diagnosed with Endometriosis. The MRI tomorrow will determine whether it has spread to my bowel.

My antibiotics have started to kick in and although I'm not feeling A1, I feel much better than I did.

I just don't have the strength for any more battles.....

He can't say no to others it should read!