AIBU to feel that I am second place to a cat?

[Contwixt]

Very complicated situation but will try and be short as I can.

Background: I have been with OH for four years. We are in a long distance relationship. This is because I am in my third year of university, the plan is to move some 3 hours away to be with him when my degree finishes and I give birth.. but looking to move in August time when things have settled. I was on the pill and took it religiously.. however, I caught pregnant with twins. I am now 29 weeks.. My partner is self employed. He has work where I am and where he lives also. There are no commitments and he is able to come up and stay with me and work where I am - there is plenty of shifts going every day.

We have a perfect relationship but his cat seems to be the problem.

He idolises his cat. He has had her for a year. I told him NOT to get a cat until I move in, but he didn’t listen. He will cuddle her to sleep, share the same bed, go on how she is his ‘gorgeous girl’, every time we FaceTime he is sat there and cuddling the cat.. it’s a bit extreme at times but then again I am not exactly an animal person. So maybe it’s normal?

The problem is that I am struggling at the moment to do anything. I have quite bad SPD and back ache. I look 40 weeks pregnant already. I can’t bend. Im struggling to get into the bath. I’m crying in pain whenever I turn in bed. I am limping when I walk. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is 7. She helps out as much as she can, but now I’m struggling to do the school run. I do not drive so have to walk or get taxi’s. My oh drives.

My OH will come up but is constrained to two maybe three days maximum (will leave lots of food and water out plus heating on 24.7) as he can’t leave the cat. He refuses to put her in a cattery or leave her with his mum as he says it is his ‘responsibility’. He will not bring the cat up in the car, unless she stays up here, because he said it’ll be too much on her for the journey. So it’s working out that once a month, he will come up a total of a maximum 6 days... because of the cat.

I am due to give birth in second week of May. The plan is for him to bring the cat up here (his plan!) end of March/April. He will work up here (has shifts booked in) but he has booked in shifts where he is from end of April for 1 week. He will not bring the cat down as he will be back up in a week. So, I’ll have two newborns, a child and a house cat to look after. On top of that, he has two weekend booked (one stag weekend abroad first week of June) plus paintballing a week after which will be a day or so.

I am starting to resent him and being upset yesterday, told him it’ll be best if you just come when I am being induced. Leave the cat as a one off with your mom or cattery for a week or so when I am giving birth then go back home. Then just come up for your three days every two weeks, like he is doing now. I don’t want to be jealous over a cat as gosh, that is pathetic! But I can’t help but feel like I am second best to the cat.

I have spoken to him about this and he said “but you know she’s my gorgeous girl” and “fine, I’ll stop talking about her if she upsets you so much” also “she is my responsibility to look after her”.

• He will not get rid of the cat. He came to mine for a weekend when it was bad snow and he was going to attempt to drive in feet long snow to get back to her (she had enough food and water out) and he was on the verge of crying because he missed her/scared she was on her own in the house.

• he will only get rid of her if the twins are allergic to her. And to be honest, I really don’t think he will if that ever happened.

Well the cat is his responsibility and to b honest I wouldn’t dream of leaving my cat for 2 nights alone even with food or water!!!

However his attitude is ridiculous and I hope he’s not using the cat to duck out of his responsibilities to you.

Hopefully when you move to his the cat issue will b sorted as you are all under one roof.

At least it’s not s bloody big dog. The cat is no threat to your babies.

He does sound s tad daft though

You are not being unreasonable. He sounds like a tit. What a ridiculous time to get a cat. He’s right, she is his responsibility but it was really thick of him to get a cat when he has twins on the way.

I’m really sorry, I don’t have any proper advice but I didn’t want to read and run.

Xx

It doesn't sound like the perfect relationship to me TBH.

Please don't blame the poor cat.

If she's a fairly young, healthy cat then there's no reason why she can't make the journey from his to yours. She will adapt to an extent after awhile to the trip and there are calming sprays and such that can be purchased.

I use to take my cat often from where I lived to my family's 3 hours away and it never hurt her.

So he got the cat before you fell pregnant. And you expect him to get rid of it? I think YAB totally U. It's a cat. Granted, I only have one dc but I had 5 housecats when he was born. I say had as they now are inside and outside as they please. It takes 30 secs to feed a cat twice a day. A few mins to poop scoop a day. Maybe 5 mins once a week for a complete litter tray clean. I feel quite sorry for the cat tbh. Left alone for days at a time and clearly not liked by you. Maybe it would be best if it was rehomed as it's not being looked after properly by either of you.

You have bigger problems than the cat here op.

He's booked two weekends away just after your babies will be born? He's got work shifts away from you just after too? He sounds a real treat.

I can't believe he leaves his cat alone with food for 2/3 days as well. It's totally irresponsible. He can't love her half as much as he claims. Why doesn't he book a pet sitter to call in? They aren't exactly expensive.

I think the cats a red herring to be honest. There are bigger issues in this relationship than the cat!

The cat is a diversion, I'm afraid to say. I'd have a good long sit down with him so that he can come clean about what he really wants to do.

Hi,
Thanks for your replies. I appreciate every single one. Perhaps I am being unreasonable. Don’t get me wrong, I do like the cat and she is lovely but I am really struggling. Maybe I just haven’t really realised how selfish I am being because of how much pain I am in and becoming frustrated with not being able to be as independent as I normally am.

I don’t know the done deal with animals as I have never had an animal before so I will tell him not to come up as she will be on her own. If he is required to be up then I will make sure he puts her in a cattery even though he doesn’t want to (not because of cost, he says because she will think he has dumped her).

This is just not a cat problem!

As a pp said: He's booked two weekends away just after your babies will be born? He's got work shifts away from you just after too? He sounds a real treat.

This is the problem op!

He's using the cat as an excuse mate. Cats are really no trouble at all, he could bring her with him easily. He is making obstacles.

And in my area, a cat sitter visiting daily is cheaper than a cattery, or a friendly neighbour.

I suppose. Paint balling will be a day I would imagine.. he has to pick up a minimum of 1 week of shifts where is from within 6 or so weeks otherwise he will be off the books. So he has no choice on that one. Sorry, I should have been more clear.

The stag is irritating but I didn’t want to come across as controlling and telling him he can’t do it. Maybe it’s best I’ll be on my own, and work out when he can come up and from the advice I’ve taken on board, when he does come up and see them then the cat will be in some form of a cattery or his mother’s. I already feel like a single parent anyway.

You have an DP issue, not a cat issue.

And I am shocked that someone who claims to love a cat as much as he does is leaving her for days at a time. Mine are left for overnight only. Any more and a friend pops in to feed/water them and give them a fuss.

Sorry your having a tough pregnancy, I hope your Dp gets his shit together.

It is his first pet. He wasn’t allowed pets growing up so maybe that’s an over sight. But I have taken advice on board and it will never happen again I assure you. I have told him to stay at home with his cat and book her in for a week when I am given an induction date in May then he can go back after. Maybe that’s the best way forward. I can’t really tell him to get rid of it as that’s cruel. I do like the cat and she is very well looked after (believe it or not). I will just have to plod a long and get on with it. Not long now to go anyway. Thanks x

Tbh, I don't think I'd move 3 hours to be with this man. What commitment has he shown you? He's fucking off abroad a week after you give birth to twins and leaving you to it - did the cat feature in that decision?

Stop accepting that it's about the cat and having conversations about catteries/his mum/whatever. That's for him to sort out. What you want to know is what responsibility is he going to take as a partner and a dad? If he mentions the cat, cut him off, that's a secondary issue. First what is he doing for you and the twins? How he does it is up to him.

I would be telling him to marry his frigging cat but pay you cms. Cut him loose op - he isn't ready for proper parenting or partnership.

Hmmm....you don't 'catch' pregnancy. I know this isn't a popular opinion but a little cat is vulnerable and deserves to be looked after and adored. You're a grown, capable woman. You speak far too easily of 'getting rid' of the cat. But here's the thing - animals rarely get second chances, so you can give her a death sentence by complaining and making his life unbearable or look into your heart and find some compassion.

I agree he is leaving her for too long but see you’ve already got advice on that. You do sound like you’ve got an awful lot going on at once, OP, I don’t think the cat is the problem here, it’s your DP. Thinking positively, it will be really good for your DC to grow up with a pet as it helps them to develop empathy and compassion for helpless creatures. When I was growing up having pets was such an important part of my life and I loved them dearly!

I’m due around second week of May (no official date yet as they don’t discuss birth until I’m 36 weeks). The stag weekend is first week of June. So babies will be a few weeks old. I didn’t want to feel like I was dictating to him or telling him what he can’t or can’t do. All of his friends are going so I guess he also had peer pressure. He has just said he will cancel the stag and paintballing if I want him to but then again, I feel guilty. As I know he was really looking forward to it.

In terms of commitment, we are engaged and said he we can have a joint account if I wish. He has also said I can stay at home as he makes enough money (has a good job) for all of us. I already feel like a single parent already so makes no difference now. It is becoming hard to struggle now with the pain and losing some independence (struggling to get into the bath for example) but have no other choice but to get on with it :(

Well, what else can I say? I got pregnant after taking the pill. I conceived with two babies after taking the pill? The word used is irrelevant really.

I have realised that I am being selfish hence why I have told him to stay at his house with his cat and do not come up until the day I am giving birth. I have also taken advice on board and informed him that he must leave her at a cattery whilst he is up as I’m giving birth. I am not giving her a death sentence at all, in fact, I am putting the cat first. I am in desperate need of help but know he needs to be there for the cat. So I have told him to stay put until the day I give birth. Not much else I can do really?

If it's any conciliation cats are pretty easy work if she does move in with you but his attitude is ridiculous with you being heavily pregnant with twins he should never have gotten a cat at that time when you need to be his number one responsibility

He should bring the cat with him and get her used to the car while she is young. See it as a training opportunity, young pets should get used as much as possible to everyday things like a ride in the car. It is good for her really.
He should also be supporting and helping you more by being there as much as possible so win win.
What does your 7 years old think of the cat? He could teach her to takecare of the cat so that's one less thing for him to do when the twins will be here.

See now I say this as someone who has a cat and adores her- but would I fuck be taking care of someone else’s animal (even though cats are v low maintenance, they still require feeding, litter tray sorting and some affection) for any period of time after having one newborn let alone two.

I feel sick whenever my cat does a poo in the litter tray- whole thing gets emptied, no messing about, done immediately. So what happens if you’re feeding twin 1 and a poo is done? Then twin 2 wakes up and needs a feed? You going to make them wait while you change litter or are you going to have the house stink instead?

You seriously have a dp problem.
I hope your 7yr old is ok, and please don’t move your entire life (including the 7yr old here most importantly) for someone who is so immature and lacking in fucks to give about you and your kid

It won’t be fair on the cat to be here. I live in a box flat.. it’s tiny. He has a four bed house and she is free to roam. She likes her own space. Also, it’s not an excuse but the smell of cat faeces and cat food currently makes me feel sick. When I have been to his, I do not go into the kitchen (where her tray and food is) because of the smell is too much. Maybe that’s because I’m pregnant though.
I have taken all advice on board though and decided that he will stay put with his cat and I’ll just have to carry on solo.