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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To miss out on her first time...

83 replies

Babababababybel14 · 07/03/2018 07:47

Because I don't want to wear a swimsuit in public.
My daughter bathes with me. She is only 6 months but she absolutely loves water. DH wants to take her swimming for the first time today. But I hate my body. I really want to go in with her but the thought of wearing s swimsuit is making me anxious. What should I do?

OP posts:

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 07/03/2018 09:51

The only people at that pool who give the slightest shit about you are your baby and your husband.

Afternoon · 07/03/2018 09:59

All sorts of people go swimming and are used to seeing a cross-section of random folk of various appearances. Everyone just gets on with their own visit and ignores everyone else.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/03/2018 10:02

Cavoli ‘didn't give up being me’ WTAF?

I’m ‘me’. I’m ‘me’ at 7 stone, I’m ‘me’ at 12 stone, I’d still be me if I was 30 stone. I am not defined by the weight on the scale nor the wobble on my tummy.

I want to stay attractive for my husband

So he’s not attracted to ‘you’, just your body and only if it’s perfect?

I don't accept that your body changes permanently after pregnancies if you don't want to

Bloody hell. Your LUCKY if yours didn’t. Most women’s do. It’s disingenuous to say it’s a choice. Yes you can get fitter, lose a bit of weight but there are a lot if changes to most women’s bodies that cannot be ‘undone’.

Nice men get that, nice men understand the concept that pregnancy & birthing a child are amazing things and that they change a woman’s body and aren’t so shallow they no longer find their wives attractive.

protect our sanities

As I said, I’m glad I don’t live in your head.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/03/2018 10:12

blastoma beyond being as shallow as a puddle I’m not sure what other issues you’re seeing. Telling people that getting back your pre pregnancy body is a simple choice is nasty, as well as incorrect. Most women’s bodies change forever and telling them to stay out of the pool and cover up until they’ve reached this (largely unattainable) goal is body shaming. I find that unacceptable, especially aimed at vulnerable new mums.

TillyTheTiger · 07/03/2018 10:13

Taking my DS swimming for the first time is one of my favourite memories from his first year - he LOVED it (and still does!). I was self-conscious too but seeing the glee on his little face made it so worth it. Once you're there you'll be far more focused on your child than what other people think of your body, and I promise you nobody will be paying attention anyway

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 10:14

It’s disingenuous to say it’s a choice. Yes you can get fitter, lose a bit of weight but there are a lot if changes to most women’s bodies that cannot be ‘undone’.

What changes exactly? Yes, I have scars, a few stretch marks but nothing else is permanent. Diastasis recti is a bitch, but it can improve. I am never going to be super model perfect, but of course you can go back to your pre-baby body if you wish, why wouldn't you?

I have no opinion on other people's body, I care about mine. I prefer to take control of things when the kids are little, and not pretend that I am stuck with something I hate.

I never said my husband didn't find my attractive, but that I want to make the effort, the same way he does. It's positive for our entire family if we both stay fit and can run around with the kids anyway. It's not just about weight, it's about attitude to exercise and activities with do as t'a family. And I hate being fat, it's uncomfortable, it's harder to move, it's tiring. I am still allowed to make my own choice about my own body, and not be seen in a swimsuit if I am not comfortable with it.

I care what I look like and that's all that matters!

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 10:17

telling them to stay out of the pool and cover up until they’ve reached this (largely unattainable) goal is body shaming.

what a horrible way to twist my posts!
I said that if you shouldn't force yourself to put on a swimsuit if it makes you uncomfortable and upset if you find yourself next to toned and trim new mums! If you are happy, go for it, but don't pretend that it doesn't matter what someone think about themselves. Their opinion matters!

Stop throwing the "body shaming" crap, it's not body shaming for someone to be uncomfortable with her own body!

BluePheasant · 07/03/2018 10:18

OP I think it would be really good for you to take the plunge (no pun intended!). Once you’ve been once I’m sure you’ll think nothing of going again. Honestly no one will be taking any notice of your tummy and stretch marks!
I’m naturally very petite and now have a lovely wobbly, squishy, 6 month pregnant looking tummy after DC2. I agree that it doesn’t do wonders for your confidence when your body has changed so much. I tend to wear a tankini for swimming atm as it makes me feel less exposed.
Please give it a go, you will really enjoy it once you’re in the pool I promise you!

coffeeforone · 07/03/2018 10:34

OP you say I really want to go in with her but the thought of wearing a swimsuit is making me anxious.

Based on this I think you really should go in with her and not miss out. It's all about enjoying your 6 month old's first experience, just forget about your own body, and concentrate on your DD's first time!

LarkDescending · 07/03/2018 10:41

OP, whatever you decide about today it would be a shame if these concerns got in the way of your enjoying the water long-term.

Maybe look into sunsuits - designed like a shortie wetsuit but in swimwear material? Obviously they are more often worn by children on the beach, but are increasingly available for adults too and don’t expose any more than a t-shirt and shorts would. I am planning to find a good one for this summer as I think my days in a traditional swimsuit are behind me (history of skin cancer plus recent surgical scars). Not quite ready for the burkini yet

FiveNightsAtMummys · 07/03/2018 10:45

I think you should go too once you get in the water you might feel less self conscious I always do.

coffeeforone · 07/03/2018 10:47

Could you get a burkini? Maybe not wear the hat bit?

I wouldn't do this if you haven't worn a burkini before and aren't confident/comfortable wearing one. I'd wear a similar style or the same swimsuit as you've worn before

Mookatron · 07/03/2018 10:48

I'm huge but I MADE myself go swimming with the kids because

a) I wanted to set an example that swimming is fun
b) I didn't want to allow my body shape to dictate my activities
c) I wanted to go swimming!

If you WANT to do it you are being vvv unreasonable not to because your post birth body is a bit weird. The majority of people's bodies are just normal and weird because most people are over 25.

I'm not saying it's necessarily easy but the effort will be worth it because you'll feel powerful just for doing it. Take a towel to the poolside, slip out of it and into the pool and no one will even notice.

GOOD LUCK.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 07/03/2018 10:57

CavoliRiscaldati I just think it's sad that you hid yourself from your husband rather than trust that he would still love you and be attracted to you with your post baby body. Nothing to do with your own feelings about wanting to lose weight etc - that's up to you. It's just that I can't imagine not having that faith in my husband and I think it's a shame for any woman not to have it.

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 10:57

You can also wear tankini top and boy shorts, you don't feel that exposed

Bumpsadaisie · 07/03/2018 10:58

People will be so busy coping over your cute baby they won’t notice your body

Bumpsadaisie · 07/03/2018 10:59

Cooing not coping!

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 11:02

Fugitivefrombrusstice
thank you, but I think that it's all about my own feelings. If I was happy with myself, then he would have to accept or not what I look like, but if I can't stand what I see in the mirror, it's too difficult to show yourself to someone else.

I agree that no one should feel ashamed of their body, but I also strongly disagree that we should dismiss the feelings of women who are struggling and reply with a "that's life, you are stuck like this now". It's not true and everybody should be able to be comfortable, and not suffer silently from incontinence, scar pains, or just flab post-baby. We DO NOT HAVE to put up with any of that.

Laserbird16 · 07/03/2018 11:05

Do it or don't but rest assured no one else will be looking at or judging your body. But please do think about your relationship with your body. My mum was always talking about how unhappy she was with her body and for a long time I wasn't very happy in mine. It is pretty miserable devoting all that time worrying about your perfectly healthy body. Your acceptance of yourself is by far the most important gift you can give your daughter.

Badbadtromance · 07/03/2018 11:07

Don't worry op. Really it will be fine either way. Relax and enjoy your baby. Wish i could go back to those days!

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 07/03/2018 11:08

@CavoliRiscaldati How can you possibly have interpreted from any of my comments that I think women should just put up with scar pain and incontinence?

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 07/03/2018 11:13

I felt like this too! My dad took my son swimming for the first time when he was 17 months while I watched. And he had so much fun splashing around and laughing that I thought 'You're missing out on this milestone because you're worried about what people will think of you, when he wouldn't care at all'. I bought a black swimming costume and a swim skirt to cover my thighs which are my biggest issue. Once you're in the water no one can see anyway!

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 11:20

Fugitivefrombrusstice
it was more a general comment about the dismissive attitude in general "you had a baby, your body will never be the same again" and you are supposed to put up with everything. The UK is especially bad for that kind of attitude, your body will never be the same after a baby.
Could not disagree more (not saying it's easy or fast!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2018 11:27

There are so many things I would love to do with my dd but can’t. Chronic illness and disability. You are the only one limiting yourself. I’ll take your body if you can take my illness. Otherwise, do what you need to do to be more comfortable and caring about yourself and love who you are. It’s the person inside that your dd loves. She doesn’t care about your size and your tummy. And it’s expecially important to not be embarrassed about your body. You have a girl. Don’t make your complexes hers.

DameSylvieKrin · 07/03/2018 11:27

How do you want your daughter to feel about her body in thirty years? If you don't want her missing out on things because she's ashamed, you will have to learn to feel or at least act unashamed yourself.

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