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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exh dictating contact

31 replies

StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/03/2018 06:09

So. Lengthy divorce from controlling EA ex. Have been separated 8+ years, divorced 4. Ended up being dragged through court for financials as exh adamant I wasn't getting a penny despite me making majority of contributions. Exh not an involved dad at all pre-break-up.

Due to financial abuse, prohibitive cost of renting and lack of any money at all (after he emptied all joint accounts and cut up debit card so I couldn't even buy groceries) I moved closer to my family who were able to help out until I got back on my feet. All debts now repaid. I made sure throughout that kids were always available for contact and we met halfway; I have also dropped the kids to his door countless times involving 6 hour round trip. I don't need a kicking about this - it was absolutely the only choice I had at the time.

Contact initially eow now dwindled to approx every 6 months.

Next highly anticipated contact due Easter. I messaged ex with times and dates I could drive to meet him, he's now come back to say he can only do midday Fri to midday Mon and will only meet at a location which adds an hour onto my journey each leg.

I've had years of this. Years and years of being ground down and manipulated and bulied and abused. Kids have phones - bought to encourage contact - but dad never calls. I've been through court when he as good as forced us out of the house with no money then refused to sell the house until ordered by a judge. He started the CSA claim as he (wrongly) thought he was contributing way too much then threw a tantrum when CMS took over and discovered he'd had a massive pay rise so his contribution increased again. Both kids and I have had counselling for various issues arising from exh's abuses.

I work full time then come home to be a full time parent for another 5 hours with all the physical and emotional load that entails.

AIBU to say no? No I'm not going to add another 2 hours driving to my weekend? No I'm not going to accept you're too tired to meet up on the Thursday after work. No I'm not going to split my own bank holiday in half so you can 'rest' after entertaining the kids for a weekend?

No I'm not going to allow you to steal any more of my sleep worrying about this, feeling powerless unless I agree to your demands?

No I'm not going to let you dictate another single fucking moment of my life.

OP posts:
LokiBear · 07/03/2018 06:13

No. You are not. Not in the slightest.

Queenofthestress · 07/03/2018 06:15

You wouldn't be unreasonable to say its half way or nothing, unfortunately despite the circumstances you're the one that moved so in court a judge would order you to make the halfway journey. That, however, doesn't mean that you have to add anymore time onto it.

Just reply;
That doesn't work for me. It's halfway or nothing as usual.

abbsisspartacus · 07/03/2018 06:17

Say sorry that doesn't work for me repeat what does work and rinse and repeat if you do it often enough without emotion he might get the point

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/03/2018 06:24

Queen - to clarify I have always done at least halfway with journeys, right from the start. Even while I was out of work I prioritised petrol money to ensure this could never be used against me - we now have quite a tidy sum in the 'Petrol Fund'.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 07/03/2018 06:25

Agree with PP
That doesn't work for me.
Rinse and repeat.

My Ex-dp's mum is a manipulative shit when it comes to contact. I find myself saying this often. I don't change the contact times or days to suit them unless it's for a Damn good reason, I don't offer alternative days either. Stick to the arrangement and if he tries to change it be a broken record 'that doesn't work for me'
He will get the message.

Phillipa12 · 07/03/2018 06:26

What Queen said. This is still all about control, you work full time and then parent alone full time, why add on extra travelling, hes only doing it to cock up all your bank holiday plans. A simple thats not possible im afraid will do and see what he comes back with. Oh and have a lovely Easter with your dc, im sure they would much prefer spending it with you anyway!

Rainbowqueeen · 07/03/2018 06:29

Say no. I'm guessing the kids are at the age when they get a say in contact if you have been apart 8 years

So don't worry too much about court
I hope you all have a lovely easter

Iluvthe80s · 07/03/2018 06:33

Sorry to read your post. He is being totally unreasonable and controlling. Explain they does not work for you and specify what does x

Cupoteap · 07/03/2018 06:35

Just remember this is the last control he can try and use. Do not given it any more headspace- this is what he wants. I also suspect he actually wants you to say no!

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/03/2018 06:38

Ha Cupotea I think you're right, then I will for once be the contact-blocking bitch I'm sure he tells his family and friends I am!

OP posts:
Badtimegirly · 07/03/2018 06:42

OP you have a life now free from him dictating what he wants, you are in control not him.

He has to accept your not at his beck and call, and if he throws his toys out of the cot, and he probably will, then tough.

I wouldn't even get into a lengthy conversation with him about it. You have a full on life you must be exhausted with dealing with his demands on top.

Plan a lovely relaxing Easter with your DC, free from selfish demands. You've been through enough, it's your time now not the time bandit!

Arapaima · 07/03/2018 06:48

I agree that he probably wants you to say no, for reasons that those of us who aren’t unreasonable selfish bastards find hard to understand. So for that reason I guess I’d say yes, rather than be dragged into an argument about it. Massive sympathy though OP.

Arapaima · 07/03/2018 06:49

Do the DC want to see him this Easter?

eddielizzard · 07/03/2018 06:51

yanbu. also do grey rock to stop the situation escalating which is what he wants. he wants a nice big fight. and while he's ruffling your feathers you can't let him see he is.

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/03/2018 06:55

Kids old enough to realise that they get spoiled rotten every time they visit - and rightfully so as they've not had anything for birthdays or Christmas since they saw him - fucking hell, that's him passing on the emotional abuse onto them too isn't it...

They're reasonably 'meh' about actually going though. See it more as a trip away rather than meaningful time spent with dad

OP posts:
Gendarme · 07/03/2018 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/03/2018 07:03

just keep replying that the children will be available from... to... at...

also offer an alternative that works for you.

add that if he is unable to collect at... he is welcome to come and collect/drop them at an alternative time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2018 07:04

No yanbu at all. Do your children want to see him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2018 07:06

Oh see you answered that. Didn’t refresh the page

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/03/2018 10:07

Well I replied to his text saying that his request didn't work for us. I'm afraid that I did waver off the 'don't let him see how pissed off you are' route and waffled a bit but did manage to keep it professional-sounding (I think..).

Had an age-appropriate conversation with the kids this morning to say that Dad might refuse to see them because wasn't prepared to stick to previous arrangements re meeting location and dictating the times for no good reason. They were ok about it - 'If he can't be bothered to make the effort to see us then why should we be bothered to see him'.

Have blocked his number on my phone to enable me to read his messages at my convenience. Grey Rock is going to be so hard but really necessary.

OP posts:
donners312 · 07/03/2018 11:51

I could have written your post and I was court ordered to do the drive (even though I hadn't moved away).

I have never done it once, like you my Ex is a bully and loves dictating extracts from the court order telling me what I 'must' do etc.

He is taking me back to court for an enforcement order but what can a court realistically do - you are not stopping contact.

Just ignore him and do what suits the children. My kids are the same very meh about t all. Poor kids having such crap controlling fathers.

Blondephantom · 07/03/2018 12:12

Even if he agrees, more than likely he will meet you half way to pick them up then be awkward about dropping them off. I’d be collecting evidence then going back to court and requesting receiving parent picks up. You still have the same amount of miles to do but will definitely only have to do it once. With this type of ex you need a detailed court order and not to deviate from it. It takes all the potential to be controlling away x

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/03/2018 15:59

And surprise surprise, text message (I'm weak, I checked the blocked messages on my phone) to say he's going to make other plans. Followed 2 hours later by an email explaining why I'm being so unreasonable, lame contradictory excuse for him not being able to get to previous exchange place and mansplaining how he's checked the internet to show it won't take me an extra hour to get to the place he wants to meet.

Have not replied.

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 07/03/2018 16:05

How old are your kids?

eddielizzard · 07/03/2018 16:12

well done. don't reply. to answer his arguments gives them credence. he knows he's being unreasonable. he's just fucking with you.

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