Exh dictating contact

[StrongerThanIThought76]

So. Lengthy divorce from controlling EA ex. Have been separated 8+ years, divorced 4. Ended up being dragged through court for financials as exh adamant I wasn't getting a penny despite me making majority of contributions. Exh not an involved dad at all pre-break-up.

Due to financial abuse, prohibitive cost of renting and lack of any money at all (after he emptied all joint accounts and cut up debit card so I couldn't even buy groceries) I moved closer to my family who were able to help out until I got back on my feet. All debts now repaid. I made sure throughout that kids were always available for contact and we met halfway; I have also dropped the kids to his door countless times involving 6 hour round trip. I don't need a kicking about this - it was absolutely the only choice I had at the time.

Contact initially eow now dwindled to approx every 6 months.

Next highly anticipated contact due Easter. I messaged ex with times and dates I could drive to meet him, he's now come back to say he can only do midday Fri to midday Mon and will only meet at a location which adds an hour onto my journey each leg.

I've had years of this. Years and years of being ground down and manipulated and bulied and abused. Kids have phones - bought to encourage contact - but dad never calls. I've been through court when he as good as forced us out of the house with no money then refused to sell the house until ordered by a judge. He started the CSA claim as he (wrongly) thought he was contributing way too much then threw a tantrum when CMS took over and discovered he'd had a massive pay rise so his contribution increased again. Both kids and I have had counselling for various issues arising from exh's abuses.

I work full time then come home to be a full time parent for another 5 hours with all the physical and emotional load that entails.

AIBU to say no? No I'm not going to add another 2 hours driving to my weekend? No I'm not going to accept you're too tired to meet up on the Thursday after work. No I'm not going to split my own bank holiday in half so you can 'rest' after entertaining the kids for a weekend?

No I'm not going to allow you to steal any more of my sleep worrying about this, feeling powerless unless I agree to your demands?

No I'm not going to let you dictate another single fucking moment of my life.

Don't reply. Well done you.

Well done! Step away from the phone..

What a great dad he is . Stay strong OP.

I'm a fan of Grey Rock - it's so hard to do but it really works. At first you think it isn't but the cumulative effect does kick in after a while and suddenly you realise you aren't being controlled any more. Then they try again, and it's so much easier because you know what to do to block them.

Series of emails and texts demanding set times and dates. No concession to the fact his changes add an hour onto my journey. Less than 3 visits per year and he still thinks it's ok to mess us around.

Ok. He's agreed to change the location slightly in my direction but this means he can only have them from much later in the day. No explanation why he can only drop them back at lunchtime.

Kids suddenly want to go. (Teenagers but not old enough imo to travel by train unaccompanied) I'm now risking being the bitch witholding contact if I don't give in aren't I?

i'd be tempted to text back 'the original plan works for me.'

he's going to keep messing with you until he's managed to (in his mind) force you to submit to his control. ignore that. think about what actually works for you and say that. if what he's suggesting will work then agree to it. try not to take into account his control games, because then he's won.

keep on with grey rock. he's an arsehole.