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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a prude?

45 replies

Naboooooo · 06/03/2018 23:31

had a date, lovely evening, really liked him. a few steamy songs but during he squeezed my bum a few times... nothing wrong with that but I feel like a massive prude and that it was too much after knowing someone for a matter of hours! is there something wrong with me Blush

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 06/03/2018 23:36

Nothing wrong with you, it would have overstepped my boundaries too.

Original poster
Naboooooo · 06/03/2018 23:40

Ok thanks. It was when we were kissing and it felt great at the time but now I’m overthinking

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 06/03/2018 23:46

Oh well if you liked it at the time why are you overthinking it now? Maybe that is a bad thing that youve sort of gone against your own feelings because of the concept of it?
I mean its one thing to be uncomfortable with something at the time but this sounds more like worry that you have let yourself be disrespected or something?
You havent been disrespected if its something you actually wanted at the time I dont think.
You dont NEED to have this boundary in order to respect yourself. Do what you actually want to do and that IS respecting yourself.

Sorry if ive misunderstood this! But if it is how ive interpreted it then I think you should just calm down about it. You had a nice time why ruin it on purpose for yourself?

Original poster
Naboooooo · 06/03/2018 23:49

Windchimes- you’ve hit the nail on the head. But I’m concerned that the fact he even did it/went there during our first kiss is a bad sign?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 06/03/2018 23:51

Do you mean steamy snogs? If so I wouldn’t think a bum pinch was crossing a line at that point, no.

Original poster
Naboooooo · 06/03/2018 23:51

Sorry - yes snogs!

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 06/03/2018 23:54

Sorry, if you have your tongue down someones throat when they put their hand on your bottom then your being a bit prudish.

NellytheElephant18 · 06/03/2018 23:55

I’d feel pretty offended if a guy didn’t have a squeeze of my bum during a steamy snog! I think it shows he’s keen. But then your boundaries may be different and that’s ok too.

Loonoon · 06/03/2018 23:55

I've been out of the dating scene for a while now but (assuming you mean steamy snogs not songs) I would have thought if I was attracted to someone enough to mingle tongues and saliva in a steamy way after a first date then a bit of bum grabbing would be on a similar level of intimacy and to be expected and even welcomed?

If I am wrong and you didn't welcome the snog or the bum grab then I think you would be right to shut this down now.

windchimesabotage · 06/03/2018 23:56

Well it would be a bad sign if he did it when you clearly hadnt wanted him to but im assuming from what you said that you appeared to enjoy it? in which case I would not worry too much.
I mean do you think hes sat there worrying if it was a bad sign that you went along with it? Probably not, hes probably happy that you hit it off and had chemistry and enjoyed yourselves.
I think if you were both enjoying it then its just a sign you are both attracted to each other which id see as a good thing personally!!

I mean who knows what hes going to turn out to be like but I dont think you can call that a bad sign really unless he had actually tried to do it when you werent into it.
If you really liked him then id give him another date!

AbsolutelyCorking · 06/03/2018 23:56

He sounds rude and disrespectful, sleazy too. He needs to ask for permission to touch you intimately. If he squeezed your bottom without asking and you did not consent to it and did not like it, it’s sexual assault.

It’s a shame you think there’s something wrong with you for feeling uncomfortable with intimate contact with a stranger. Your feelings are perfectly normal and not prudish at all. Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with prudishness! It would be a big red flag for me and there would not be a second date. It sounds like he has no idea of how to ask for consent and wants to take advantage of you and push your boundaries. Stay away!

Viviennemary · 06/03/2018 23:58

I think this is a bit pervy when you've only known him a couple of hours. I'd run a mile.

AjasLipstick · 06/03/2018 23:59

Corking he was kissing her! "Steamily" as OP put it...was he meant to break free of the kiss and say "Madam...may I have permission to place my hand on your posterior?"

FFS>

I am a feminist but if a man asked me permission to squeeze my arse whilst steamily kissing me, I'd think he was nuts.

Bettyfood · 07/03/2018 00:02

Yeah, but on a first date? Pushing his luck I'd say.

windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 00:04

absolutelycorking the Op went on to say that she enjoyed it at the time and it is now, later, that she is worrying about what it meant. So I really dont think you can say that he assaulted her as clearly at the time it was consensual and enjoyed. I think shes worried about what it implies about his intentions generally not that she thinks she was assaulted!

Original poster
Naboooooo · 07/03/2018 00:11

Yes that’s exactly it - worried about intention! It was first proper date after drunken meeting at bar (where kissing also featured!) so I guesss he can be forgiven ;) And I did enjoy it :)

Do you think it is bad re intentions though?

OP posts:
AbsolutelyCorking · 07/03/2018 00:12

It doesn’t matter if you feel bad about intimate contact a day, month or year after it happened Confused Or are you only allowed to have one feeling, enjoy/not enjoy, and once it’s passed the deadline for changing your mind about it has gone? The fact is that on reflection, OP feels bad about it now. That’s enough of a reason to not bother with a second date if she doesn’t want to.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 07/03/2018 00:15

I dont think you can read anything into his intentions when he touched your bottom as you were consensually swapping saliva. I would worry more about your intentions over analysing everything as if you are looking for something to complain about.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2018 00:16

I think screaming sexual assault is a bit knickers in a twist over a steamy snog OP enjoyed. If he'd gone v to put his hand there and OP said no or stopped him or froze etc then yeah there's lines being crossed but they were enjoying a passionate kiss, who knows where OPs hands were or what was pressing against whom. Isn't that the point of a steamy snog?? No can I please have permission to touch your bottom. Can I please have permission to touch to again? Your breasts are pushing into my chest, which of us needs the deed of permission?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2018 00:19

AbsolutelyCorking anything is a good enough reason to decline a second date but him doing something the op enjoyed and willing let happen is not assault because 2 hours later she's wondering if she shouldn't. If she'd consented to sex, enjoyed all of it then afterwards wondered if the fun bottom biting portrayed one of them in a bad light, it wouldn't make it rape

slothface · 07/03/2018 00:20

@corking if she enjoyed, not just passively tolerated but actively enjoyed and welcomed it at the time, I really don't think you can reframe that as any kind of assault!

Honestly I don't think I've had a steamy snog where I haven't had a bum pinch! It's all part of the fun for me when you're kissing and things get handsy.

But it seems like that's not the problem - you seem concerned he wants to have sex with you? Well, bluntly, he probably does, but I don't see how him fancying you and thinking he wants sex is in itself a bad thing. Don't you ever see/meet people you think you'd love to shag?

The problem is if you want something serious to develop and suspect he doesn't - I think if you like him then intentions are maybe a good thing to discuss on a second date? I think you're reading too much into a bum grab in the context you've described it though

NinjagoNinja · 07/03/2018 00:21

Glad you clarified the songs/snogs thing.

I couldn't decide if you meant songs on the stereo or that you were singing sexy songs to each other.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2018 00:21

Do you think it is bad re intentions though? depends really. What do you want? More passionate kissing? Sounds like he really fancies you. If you got on well, enjoy. Your obviously attracted to him. If demand a second date shop you can have s squeeze back. You can hold it art that level of steaminess our at any other point you want, it doesn't mean sex by date x unless you both want it to

Viviennemary · 07/03/2018 00:22

Pushing his luck is quite right. I'd have said keep your hands to yourself mate and made a sharp exit.

MarvelleGazelle · 07/03/2018 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.