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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can you let your child go to boarding school?

479 replies

Jerem · 06/03/2018 22:27

I’m going to get flamed probably by the people who send their child to boarding school full time ..

But how could you?
How can you let other adults care for your child? Why did you send them away? Why have children and not have them in your home, give them their tea, talk everyday face to face. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t.

Anyone care to explain how you can send your child to live elsewhere without you??

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 06/03/2018 22:57

I went to boarding school aged 9, my sister was even younger, we went at the same time.

My parents were military and said it was because of that, the moving around etc but I think my Mum wanted us gone. She told me once she was happiest when my Dad was away and we were at school and she could just please herself. After two years they took us out. It wasn't quite as cheap as they'd hoped, military pay the basic fees and that's it. All uniform, extras, activities etc, they had to pay for. My Dad was being posted to mainland Europe and this would now mean paying for flights six times a year also. They pulled out just in time to leave for his posting, half way through the year. Strange how little our education meant to them all of a sudden.

I couldn't send mine but I do see that for some children it might be the right thing.

Monoblock67 · 06/03/2018 22:57

People are answering your questions and you’re ignoring or not taking on board what they’re saying. And you didn’t exactly frame your question in a nice, non judgmental, genuinely curious manner.

ElephantsYeah · 06/03/2018 22:57

Personally, I couldn't do it. I miss my ds if he has a night away at grandma's house, let alone longer! However, my very good friend took the decision to send her dd to boarding school for the last 2-3 years of her schooling. It was brilliant for both my friend and her dd - their relationship improved and dd was able to break away from a difficult crowd and concentrate on her gcses. She did much better than expected and I have to say is an absolutely smashing young person.

It might not be right for everyone but it is for some and the choices people make for their kids is usually with the best of intentions.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 06/03/2018 22:57

What IAmWonkoTheSane said

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/03/2018 22:58

And a mobile job is still a choice. I’d rather be on minimum wage than live without my children rather than have a job that’s mobile and not even be able to share the money or house I have with my children because of it.

Would your children say the same thing? Thanks for turning down that £500k a year job mum... to take up a minimum wage 40h/week job (which still means you don't see them much). So happy you did that. Cheers.

LeighaJ · 06/03/2018 22:58

My husband has always resented his Mum for sending him to boarding school and making out like it was because he was some unruly miscreant one step away from going to jail. He was exhibiting normal preteen behaviour (this is based off the examples she gave me) she simply can't admit that the problem was she had no idea what she was doing and failed him as a mother by abandoning him.

The only silver lining is that he readily admits that he thinks he turned out more well adjusted and self-reliant then if he had continued to be raised by his parents. That's based off how his younger siblings who weren't sent to boarding school are and him not having some of his parents worst personality traits that he figures are more learned then hardwired traits.

Which is why we sometimes joke that his boarding school did a great job raising him and more recently joked that after our baby is born we should take her around to his boarding school so she can meet her other grandparents. 🙄

AccidentalBumming · 06/03/2018 22:58

I don’t get it either, OP, and really don’t get all the crap you’re getting in this thread.

I’d change career before I stuck my kids on a hoarding school, and yes, I’ve been dragged around the world as a trailing child and then spouse. Still think family life stability trumps everything.

scaryteacher · 06/03/2018 22:58

Step ....which is why the state offers boarding provision. QED. Fyi, lots of parents who send their kids to board aren't incredibly well off either, many work their arises off and go without to pay the fees

OP Why would one give up a well paid career such as the Forces, often with housing provided at a lowish cost, or having your own home, to do an NMW job for which you would be grossly overqualified (in Dh's case with a B.Eng, MA and C.Eng) and probably unemployable because you have so many qualifications and decade's of experience?

AnnaT45 · 06/03/2018 22:59

The problem is your OP is very negative, doesn't given off the vibe of you're curious and interested to hear. If you wanted to genuinely know why you should have been less judgemental and worded it appropriately.

littlepill · 06/03/2018 22:59

You sound like you don’t really want to understand! You know how some people are safer to leave home for university and plan it at, say 16 or 17? Well, some kids want to leave home earlier than that. Maybe they are particularly advanced Wink And some parents have worked so hard, and fulfilled their own ambitions, that they are now in such well paying and high flying careers that they are able to make their child’s dream come true.

PorkFlute · 06/03/2018 23:00

Yabu and yanbu op. I can see some reasons why it might be necessary. Single parents with medical needs which mean they can’t look after their children full time, children with severe medical needs who need specialist care and whose parents need respite. Also older teens may make the decision themselves.
But I agree that sending young kids because they don’t fit in with your chosen career makes me Hmm
No-one HAS to work in a job that makes it impossible to look after their own children. And I can’t see how only seeing a young child at weekends/holidays wouldn’t effect your relationship.

Rachie1973 · 06/03/2018 23:00

Jerem
Also, why wouldn’t you explain it unless you doubt it yourself?

Bullshit, you sound about 10. 'I know but you don't know, prove it'

No-one owes you an explanation.

You asked a question, but you're not so much interested in the answers as interested in making people look shit. Its goady to the nth degree. How grateful I am that my children didn't experience your judginess in their early years education.

None of my 6 went to boarding school.

Monoblock67 · 06/03/2018 23:01

I don’t get it either btw but I’m at least educated and respectful enough to listen to other people’s opinions on the matter.

glamourousgranny42 · 06/03/2018 23:01

My sibling and ex husband went to boarding school. I have worked in one. The idea that the teaching is any better than a state school is bollocks. Why would I do anything different in terms of teaching just because it's a private school? Both my sibling and ex are emotionally damaged due to the fact they were removed from family life. I know lots of people love it but many suffer. The arrogance of some boarding pupils and parents is amazing. I had a mother of 2 young boarders complain at parents evening that a teacher wasn't available because she had childcare issues. The mother told me she thought it was terrible that this teacher was a working mum as she herself gad chosen to be a stay at home mum. To who! The school staff were the ones parenting her Fucking children!!

littlepill · 06/03/2018 23:01

Safer? That should say desperate! Some people are desperate to leave home at 16, other kids much earlier.

Not everyone is the same.

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/03/2018 23:02

@Jerem lets be honest - as a nursery nurse you are so far away from being able to afford £30k/year/child this isn't ever an 'problem' you'll have to worry about

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 23:03

TAAT so nit really in op

totalturmoil · 06/03/2018 23:03

I went to boarding school and I loved it. My father died while I was there, and it was an absolute saviour. I'd say 90% of my friends went to boarding school and maybe 2 of them didn't like it. My 8 closest friends are from boarding school - we met at 9 / 10 and are still thick as thieves 30 years later.

Boarding school gave me something invaluable. And I am VERY close to my mother!

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 23:04

Bugger! Not on op

Yarboosucks · 06/03/2018 23:04

"Mummy, why are we so poor?"
"Because Daddy gave up his job in the military"
"Why did he do that?"
"Because otherwise we would have had to send you to a marvellous boarding school"
"Why the fuck did you do that!?!"
"So that I could tell you the grim realities of life to your sad little face"

MulanRouge · 06/03/2018 23:04

I had a great relationship with my parents. Had they not put me in boarding school and forced me to move back home with them I doubt our relationship would ever have recovered Grin

OP, what if you HAD to move abroad in the middle of your kids GCSEs- essentially what happened to me. No option to continue GCSEs in destination. They tell you they want to board. Would you refuse and drag them abroad with you, stick them in a foreign education system and be done with it?

That was the choice my parents made. I don't doubt it wasn't easy.

WombOfOnesOwn · 06/03/2018 23:05

Look, the Hogwarts people weren't exactly subtle about their invitation of my precious child. If I hadn't sent him off, they'd have had the house surrounded by owls until I agreed to let him go. Besides, now that he's studying wizardry, whenever he comes back for the holidays, our heating bills go down to almost nothing because of his new spellcasting skills. So it's really quite worth it.

I'm just giving your question the seriousness it deserves in response.

scaryteacher · 06/03/2018 23:06

Glam When I had year 7 tutor group at a comp, one Mum wanted me to sort out her lad's rucksack after school each night because that was my job. She was baffled that I refused the offer, given I sorted my stuff and ds's for the next day before I went to bed every night. Iirc, she complained to my HoY. The arrogance isn't confined to private school parents.

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/03/2018 23:08

In fact fee inflation is a huge issue for the UK boarding sector - it used to be within reach of 'normally' well off people (like NHS consultants who do a bit or private on the side, dentists etc) but at £60k minimum probably more like £75k for two children from your post tax salary is a huge amount.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 06/03/2018 23:08

Putting all your money towards getting your child an “elite” education is not what I’d call a sign of love. It may be a sign of fear of loss of status, or of a belief that not being rich is terrifying. But not love.

Specialist boarding for military or sen is different.