To wish she'd do less !

[Worksport]

DW has recently upped her interest in fitness. Currently training 6 days a week. She is exhausted. She commutes 2 hours a day, works in a stressful male dominated environment - long hours etc. Then still gets up at 6am at the weekend to run. She is constantly sore, is starting to get knocks/bruises from the gym. I'm worried - I'd like her to slow down, try to talk to her about it but she won't cut down her training. Our evenings are suffering, she wants to go to bed early every evening and our sex life is dwindling because she is so tired. AIBU to think she should slow down a bit ? She can't/won't see that's it's impacting our relationship.

The issue is you think you are allowed to do all the sport you want and get injured and tired, but she isn't allowed the same choice. autonomy and leisure options that you want for yourself.

Why is this, OP? Why do you want to insist that her body is kept in a state that pleases you, while your body is your own business?

Exactly that Reanimated.

She’s only running 1.2 to 1.8 miles each day. It’s a tiny run. Would probably only take her 10 or 20 minutes.

The weekend 5 and 10k is only 3 and 6 miles. So 25 to 60 minutes exercise which is very normal and hardly crazy.

@Labradoodliedoodoo she does a boot camp class plus the run daily ..... so it's a minimum of 1hr cardio and weights plus the run each way to and from the class ..... plus an 8 hour working day minimum, plus a commute ! I don't exactly think that's a tiny amount of effort !

Only on mn would this be considered a small amount of exercise.... "oh I do more than that while running a small empire and 10 kids all under 3 - single handed !" That aside, offer to give her a massage, or book yourself both in for one ?, run her a bath, have dinner ready for her when she gets in and make the most of rest day !! Good luck OP

Thing is, OP has already said he does several nights a week on HIS sports and not a mention of giving any of that up!

He hasn't said he wants her to give it up, he wants her to cut down. She could do hers on the same nights that OP does his, then they can spend the other nights together.

Why are people insisting that he wants her to give it up entirely, while he carries on with his? You're just making shit up.

OP, I think you need to acknowledge that she wouldn't be doing it if she wasn't enjoying it - she has a choice, so she clearly thinks what she gets out of the exercise is worth the pain/tiredness. So I think you need to leave off the paternalistic "I just want what's best for her" bit (she's a grown adult, she decides what's best for her) and have an honest conversation, first with her and then with yourself, about what problems her fitness regimen is causing you and what you want her to do to make you happier. Own your needs and foreground them rather than trying to get what you want without having to ask for it, in order to appear all selfless and concerned.

A possible opener:

"I know you love your fitness training, and that is great. However, I am feeling lonely/neglected/would like more sex/whatever your actual problem is. I would like us to spend x number of evenings together a week in the normal run of things, to relax together and give us a chance to be intimate. Are you willing to do this, and what can we both do to make sure it happens?"

If she's not willing, then you have a larger problem than just exercise and the relationship could use realigning or reconsidering. If she is, really listen to her suggestions about what BOTH of you could do to make it happen - you may be surprised to learn her perception of the balance of work/free time in your household is not the same as yours!

Fundamentally, it seems like she is probably very unhappy about your infertility as a couple and is trying to find something to focus on that takes her mind off it. That conversation should also happen, but not as a precursor to taking away her coping mechanism, just as an opportunity to offer support/compassion. If you are not as invested in solving that problem as she is (you already have a child, and talk about 'she wants a child' rather than 'we want a child') she may be feeling alone in her struggle and disconnected from you, which may have a bearing on why she seems reluctant to make time for you.

But yeah, the most important thing is to own your feelings and wishes and stop passive-aggressively making it about your slightly disingenuous-sounding concern for her wellbeing. If I were her that would be getting my back right up. I'm not her of course, I consider waddling to the biscuit tin enough exercise for any given week

How can you be married to someone you can't even talk to about something as trivial as this. Just tell her you'd like to spend more time together.
Why do people always say things like sex is irrelevant? It's not in my marriage or any normal marriage. Sex is the only thing that makes you a couple and not just mates living together. If my husband stopped having sex with me because he was tired from running I'd be pissed off. And I expect he'd feel the same. Why is that unreasonable?

He hasn't said he wants her to give it up, he wants her to cut down.

and if she cuts down, she would be giving up some of her sports time.

And he still hasn't mentioned giving up anything himself.

He does a sport that leaves him with physical injuries several times a night and spends Saturday going to sports with his son while she cleans the house, but SHE has to give up some of her enjoyment so he can have sex.

But excersise is addictive (endorphines?). I got hugely addicted to exercise until i became seriously ill (am convinced my immune system was shot because of over exercise).
Or some people treat exercise like anorexia (can't remember the name for this but DFriend had it).
Well done OP for naming your DW's hobby. Hobbies are normally shrouded in secrecy in the weird world of Mumsnet

So, he should give up his sports time, that doesn't take up the whole week, and she shouldn't have to give up any of her fitness time, because it's all about what she wants?

Where's the compromise? Where are they supposed to get time to enjoy each others company, go out for a meal, to see a film etc?

If she cuts down, it will be more equal.

So, he should give up his sports time, that doesn't take up the whole week, and she shouldn't have to give up any of her fitness time, because it's all about what she wants?

No, they should BOTH decide how much time is acceptable for EITHER of them and then divide up housework equally as well so that maybe she doesn't have to spend her day off deep cleaning the house.

No one said she HAS to spend her day off doing the cleaning. Sounds like she chose to do that.

Are you supposed to be actively trying for a baby?

Does she really want that, is she fearful of having to take Maternity Leave, is she feeling out of control etc?

That might be the issue.

Sounds like she chose to do that.

Sounds to me like if she doesn't, it doesn't get done, because he thinks that "odds and ends, shopping and cooking" constitutes half of the housework.

Even an hour and 15 minutes exercise daily isn’t a rediculous amount. It’s a healthy amount. Most people do non