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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To complain after my child was hurt at toddler group

32 replies

Coastalcommand · 06/03/2018 17:38

The baby and toddler group we usually go to was much busier than normal today and some children were being quite boisterous.
One of the bigger boys was throwing quite large heavy wooden toys around, with no one seeming to supervise.
One of them hit my one year old quite hard - hard enough to knock her over and leave a bruise. No parents came to intervene.
I looked to the ladies running the group but no one said anything.
The boy ran over to retrieve the toy and started throwing it again. I asked him not to throw it near the other children, as it could hurt them. He threw it again, and it landed less than six inches from us, so I picked it up and put it back in the cupboard, where he couldn’t reach it.
A woman who was sitting nearby came over and told me not to take things off her son, and gave it back to him. She said he was just playing and it wasn’t my place to tell him off.
I could feel myself shaking (not cool I know) and I said that if she was supervising him properly I wouldn’t have to tell him off, and that his behaviour was dangerous.
She then told me I should be very careful saying things like that in a way that scared me a bit (I’m not used to being threatened in the church hall). We spent the rest of the session trying to avoid her, but I felt quite intimidated as I think she was part of a bigger group.
Did I do the wrong thing?
I feel like never going back, but part of me thinks I should complain. But who to? It’s run by volunteers, most of whom are over 70. What would I even say?

OP posts:

PeonyTruffle · 06/03/2018 17:41

I hate the mums that dump their kids in a toddler group and ignore them. I don’t think you were wrong for removing the toy.

Perhaps you could mention it to the people that run it and ask them to remind everyone that they need to be watching their children whilst they are there at the start of the next session?

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 06/03/2018 17:41

Ynbu, mention it to the people running the group. Don't let her bully you into not going. Sad to see the apple doesn't fall far from the cart...

Snowmagedon · 06/03/2018 17:46

Oh dear op .

This used to be drive me insane. The behaviour I have seen at these times groups.. Usually same perp abd not pushing, shoving, wrestling etc but really planned viscous stuff ie stand on trampoline together deliver side kicks to dc heads as they walk by, picking up a chair to swing at other dc...
Where's mum? Sat having a natter, doing some craft whilst nearly every other parent is on the red alert unable to do anything bar relaxing!!

Snowmagedon · 06/03/2018 17:47

Usually though it's just volunteers who open the groups. But I would mention it

HeyRoly · 06/03/2018 17:48

Fuck that. I would expect one of the volunteers to step in and either reprimand the child or remove the toy. That would not be accepted.

As for the mum... well

HeyRoly · 06/03/2018 17:51

By the way, if you feel like not going back, don't go back! I've done the church playgroup thing with two children now, and am SO DONE with them now. I know it's not for my benefit, but I've had it up to here with sitting in the corner, nursing a horrible cup of instant coffee, bored out of my mind, singing the same old nursery rhymes...

bridgetreilly · 06/03/2018 17:52

They may be volunteers but they still have a responsibility to make sure it's a safe place for all the children. I would talk to them. Maybe suggest that there's a particular area set aside for babies? Or that the larger toys are in a different room. But definitely they need to tell parents to be watching their children and ensure that they are not doing anything dangerous to them or other children.

If the volunteers don't take your concerns seriously, take your child elsewhere.

OpalTree · 06/03/2018 17:53

Did the mum realise he had hurt your child?

RingFence · 06/03/2018 18:00

I would have told the boy off sharply the first time he threw it at my child. Loud enough for the mum to hear: 'We don't throw toys at babies! That was very naughty, you knocked the baby over! It's dangerous to throw things!'
If mum objected I'd say: 'he threw that toy at my baby and it hit her on the head. You need to watch him more carefully and teach him not to hurt the little ones.' I would stand my ground (icily polite but staring her down) then watch her boy carefully. As soon as he threw another toy near the babies I'd tell him off again and take it away from him. I'd say to the organisers 'I've put that heavy wooden toy out of reach, as the older boy keeps throwing it at the babies'
but ultimately it's between you and the other mum. Don't be afraid to stand up to her and protect your baby from getting hurt. Throwing toys around babies is never acceptable.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2018 18:00

I'm not surprised her son is behaving the way he is. She (the mother) doesn't seem like she goes OTT with teaching him right from wrong. Perhaps if she got off her butt and disciplined her child instead of gossiping. You wouldnt have had to tell him off.

Fair enough kids will be kids. However you still step in.

Original poster

Coastalcommand · 06/03/2018 18:11

Thank you. You lot are very kind. I thought maybe I was being a bit PFB about it, but it would have hurt me if it had hit me so I was concerned for my little girl.

I think the mum saw what happened, as when I said that the toy had hurt my daughter she said it hadn’t hit her that hard and that he’d only been playing.

I’d have been mortified if it had been the other way round, so couldn’t really understand her reaction.

OP posts:

lostherenow · 06/03/2018 18:16

I stopped going to toddler groups where there were a lot of unsupervised children. I don't miss them.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 06/03/2018 18:18

Some other parents are arseholes. You did the right thing - personally I would have taken the toy from him the first time he threw it. But that is because I am turning into my mother and have no hesitation correcting other people's children and no interest what the parents think of that. I should probably ease back a bit.

Chattycat78 · 06/03/2018 18:24

Poor you. What an awful woman. My 3 year old is far too boisterous and likely to be the one throwing the toys around - but I would be right behind him telling him to stop and apologising If he hurt anyone!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2018 18:24

Maybe if other people do chastise him. He might learn that there are consequences for unwanted behaviour.
God help his teachers. You can Imagine his parents going in on ths bounce everytime their little snowflake is reprimanded. It's no wonder so many are leaving the profession. That's for another thread, though.

Littlecaf · 06/03/2018 18:25

I had this at one church parent and toddler/baby group, it wound me right up. Now my eldest is a traming toddler I would reprimand him, it’s not on. However you might want to mention to the volunteers that parents should be reminded to supervise their children at all times.

olivesnutsandcheese · 06/03/2018 18:28

I volunteer at a toddler group. Shame you had a rubbish time. Definitely mention it to the helpers. Sometimes we don't see everything. I try to avoid putting out toys that could become missiles but would always remove something if a toddler was getting too boisterous with it.

frasier · 06/03/2018 18:29

This may be a controversial post but I did the whole thing, church groups, drop-ins, paid groups, very exclusive children's clubs (!) (London) and internet organised "flash" meet-ups and I found that the more you pay (especially for groups/classes for which you pay a terms fees in advance and no refunds for no show) the more the children are watched/disciplined.

I presume that this is because the organisers stand to lose a lot in goodwill and money if they let a child in who is going to bully the others. Plus there are rules which if flouted would result in being asked to leave.

Pinky333777 · 06/03/2018 18:30

As a nanny I've been to my fair share of toddler groups.
I'm also not shy to intervene and speak to other people's children. I wouldn't tell them off, I'd be very polite to them, and perhaps announce to the room to ask who he is with and tell them what was happening (people can be very funny about others telling off their kids... most are apologetic and thank you for helping though)
You were not wrong. Do stand your ground and protect your child.
If it keeps happening ask advice from the people who run the group.
I take it this was an older child? - Don't worry, they grow and go off to nursery soon enough 😀
I usually stopped attending those groups if the children I cared for were too big and boisterous, usually around 4yrs but younger with one particularly wild child 😆 we did soft play instead.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2018 18:32

I'd have been beyond mortified, highly embarrassed and full of apologies if a strange adult had to chastise my dd.

Id be thinking " They're all talking about me" and that id be forever known as that one with the "horrible kid"
Some parents just don't care.

namechangedtoday15 · 06/03/2018 18:35

I dont think it should matter whether you're paying or not, but I can see your point.

Don't stop going because of this OP. Just mention it to the volunteers. They may be able to make a bit if an announcement at the start to say the group is quite busy today / mix of ages so parents need to watch their children so that everyone stays safe.

Original poster

Coastalcommand · 06/03/2018 18:41

I could feel my voice shaking. I’m usually quite calm and adult in my dealings with other people. It’s the first time anyone has hurt my little girl like that.

OP posts:

MiniAlphaBravo · 06/03/2018 18:42

It shouldn’t be your place to tell him off, it should be her but she couldn’t be arsed! I would tell her that if it happens again. But I probably wouldn’t go back either, unless my kid really liked it there. I got put off the only group I’d been going to by it getting far too busy and being quite dangerous therefore. And for another lazy Mum whose kid kept bothering my baby and me and was just annoying. The Mum was too busy gossiping to noticeher child. These things are a bit of a minefield, if my dc hit a baby with a toy they would certainly be reprimanded and I would feel embarrassed about it! Maybe I’m old fashioned....

OpalTree · 06/03/2018 19:29

Oh she sounds appalling.

ginplease8383 · 06/03/2018 20:11

Ugh too many parents like this! If they aren’t bothering to parent then someone might do it for them.
I went to a christening and a 6 year old ran into and fell onto my 6 month old. I lifted her off my baby and said “no thank you be careful” and carried on. Her gobby mother appeared and had a go at me for telling off her child. I was like you, stunned at her aggressiveness. Chav.

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