Lost my rag. Need talking down.

[gingergenius]

Just had the most massive rant at my young/mid teen boys.

I'm a single parent. I've just gone full dragon on them because I'm sick of them thinking life skills are some-one else's problem.

My eldest is aspergic but 16 and fully aware of jobs etc. So it 13 y/o.

Have bellowed at them that I do not want tjem to grow up thinking Home-stuff if something they should be instructed to do- ie they help make the mess, they help clean it up, without instruction. Because that's the right thing to do.

Sadly their dad has a proper 1950s scenario going on where he is happy for his gf to do all the domestic stuff so he doesn't have to. They are only at his EOW so probably not much of an influence but bloody hell I will not have my boys growing up with this genderist nonsense.

Please tell me Ianbu

YANBU, but you do recognise yourself that you have lost the rag. You should now think about how to move forward from this. My suggestion is that once you have calmed down you apologise to your sons and explain to them why you think it’s important for them to develop these life skills.( It’s also not fair for you to take care of domestic tasks on your own when they are of an age where they should be contributing! ) I see that you are wanting to promote their autonomy. They still may need some support with this. A suggestion would be to them a pen and paper and let them identify tasks they should do right away, once a week etc. Offer some suggestions but leave them to it. In addition to this, maybe they would like to identify chores for you all to do and create a chart or rota on a computer and print out a checklist.

You are not being unreasonable at all, and I don't see any reason to apologise either. They should be apologising for being messy buggers.

If they are teens, they are old enough to see their own messes and see at least the obvious things that need doing without being asked.

Teach them how to cook and do laundry asap and give them a rota like Katie suggested.

If your eldest has Asperger's, he may be unable to recognise when chores need doing, and unable to see that you expect him to do a share of them. Aspie's are often unaware of any needs but their own, but are v willing to help when requested, if given clear and specific instructions.
For example, it will mean nothing to him if you shout "Your room is a mess!". But if you give him a list of "please change your bedding, empty your bin, dust the surfaces and put away your clothes", he will be able to comply.

Most of my family are Aspie's - dd2 is the only NT, and often has to "interpret" social cues for the rest of us!
Teenagers are notoriously messy at the best of times, but I agree with pp's that a rota or clear demarcation of jobs would be a good idea, and they may even enjoy taking turns to cook the family dinner etc. Good luck, I hope they soon have exemplary housework skills. Their future wives will bless you for it too!

@Babdoc he's had plenty of specific pointers!

Personally I think losing your rag once in a while isn't a bad thing, especially if it's not usual for you.
I had a full on fishwife screeching moment last year when I got to breaking point with kids and mess and was greeted by two stunned faces followed by actual help. Lasted a while too.

If it is unusual for you. Apologies.

God you are so NBU - well done you!! I wish I had done that, far more often and channelling more dragon. It'll pay off down the line. Tough love. Pile it on :)

it must be the night for it as I have done the same because at 9pm I found that they hadn't got their stuff ready for cooking tomorrow and had lost the recipe.

13 y/o came down, we chatted, worked things through and laughed about stupid things the dog did.

Eldest will do doubt talk tomorrow. It will all come out in the wash and is par for the course with 3 kids. Was just venting. They're great kids but sometimes they need a rocket, you know?

Eldest will NO doubt... etc

Thankyou all - good to know I'm not alone. I love them dearly but like all kids they take the cake sometimes and I've noticed them coming in and sloping off upstairs and doing fuck all to help and I've let it slide. There is even a chores list in the kitchen so no excuse!

But I'm firmly back in non-dragon zone now!

It's not a gender thing, it's a teen thing. I would beat mine with sticks except it is illegal. If what you said (shouted) actually got through please let me know what it was. Mine have to be asked in a meal by meal basis to scrape their plates into the food bin and stack the dishwasher. They aren't bad kids, just oblivious.

I was the eldest of two girls, no dad, he was in the navy/shagging around/left for the final one he got caught with. We could be lazy arsed shits too and only responded well when Mum lost her shit and yelled at us. Only then would we tidy our rooms, help with the rest of the house.

This is not so much a gender thing as a single parent thing.

My DD and my DS are equally shit at doing stuff without being yelled at.

I am not even a single parent! -- posted too soon!

Also a single parent. In my house chores are linked to cash and treats generally. They can pay for coveted stuff by doing other jobs for me and saving up. It took a while but now they know there’s no money if the dishwasher remains full, it gets done!

It may not be a gender thing but it's fascinating how many men appear not to have moved on from this stage and how many women have.......

YANBU. Teenagers are capable of doing many jobs around house and garden: cutting grass, recycling, loading and unloading dishwasher, cleaning bathroom, hoovering, laying table and laundry. By 15 my sons could cook meals and do their own laundry and recycle as well as a few other jobs. You just need to allocate them their own jobs and praise them for doing them well and they lose some pocket money if jobs are not completed.

Ah I’ve found my direct peers!! It’s the repeating myself every 24 hours that drives me round the bend!

my teenager has gone to bed saying i don't love him because I am always having a go at him

Awwww my 16 y/o has just come in and given me the biggest hug, said sorry and he'll be more helpful tomorrow.

YAdefNBU. Teen boys are the worst. We've had a rota for years, which works but only if I'm there. They will just disappear off upstairs if I leave the kitchen to feed the dog/put on the washing/etc. If I go out ... well, forget it. I have had many a rant at nearly midnight which have scared the s* out of them.
Def have a rota - not just a list, but a named rota for each day, and stick to it religiously. Don't let them off. For rubbish, I do it during term time but during the holidays, they have to do it all - getting the bins, sorting the recycling, taking out. That works quite well as a system, because it's not all on them.
It's a long slog, I have to say. I'm just waiting for the day when their own houses are kept lovely and clean and tidy and I can polish my little halo

@CaptainNelson you're all right. I need to sort a Rota. It's just more fucking wife Work isn't it? But you're all right. It's the only way.

Still glad I got a hug from my moody 16 y/o though!

This is good
english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Oh god yes @CreativeMumma 'you should've asked'!!! One of many reasons I'm single!!!

And most definitely don’t link it to cash. You don’t get paid for cooking their bloody dinner-why should they get paid for washing it up? And you don’t want them to be the sort of men who “help” with the housework and expect a cookie for doing it,