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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted, self invited, house guest. How to refuse?

114 replies

LaceandChintz · 05/03/2018 20:41

The AIBU is is it mean of me to say no to this.?
My cousin has been invited to a party nearish my home town (about 200 miles from his home). He has asked if he and his wife can stay with us. Normally I’d say yes and enjoy a rare catch-up. However this weekend coincides with a very rare, and I mean first time in several years, that dh and I will have the weekend to ourselves. No kids (woohoo!), no work (yay!). He asked a while ago and I said really sorry, explained that we had plans as kids all away etc, really sorry.
He’s now asked again, thinking by plans we mean we are away and asking if they can stay in our house and bring own breakfast etc.. as hotels are expensive, completely missing the point. We aren’t going anywhere. We might stay in, but might go to a grown-up restaurant or a late film. We don’t want to be waiting for house guests to come in (the party is some distance from here, about an hour by public transport so they could be really late).We don’t want to have to get up to host breakfast. We might not want to get up at all.
We have a busy family and working life and I love it. But I am so looking forward to this weekend.
Am I being unreasonable not letting them stay? And if not, how do I spell it out to them?
Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 08/03/2018 18:44

I may have "try and be a bit more generous with your home and time" made into a cross stitch for my wall...

extinctspecies · 08/03/2018 18:44

This is AIBU.

I am perfectly entitled to express an opinion here which disagrees with most other people - and the OP is perfectly entitled to disregard it if she chooses to.

There is no need for the name calling, I can understand the OP's point of view but I would have done things differently.

Back off, vipers.

Trudij123 · 08/03/2018 18:45

Hands up if you just looked up dragon butter and wished you hadn’t... 🙋‍♀️

Good for you Op, stand your ground!!

thisappisrubbish · 08/03/2018 18:49

Just say no, don't get into discussions or details. Say sorry but no. If they ask again maybe don't respond - unless it's on the phone in which case I'd say no, sorry, suggest a few local hotels and cut it short

BMW6 · 08/03/2018 18:51

Try and be a bit more generous with your home & your time

Pretentious wankery

Thistlebelle · 08/03/2018 18:53

I think the issue isn’t the viewpoint Extinct but rather the tone.

You are right no one should call you names.

You rather lost the moral high ground with “Vipers” though... Wink

Gide · 08/03/2018 19:05

Pretentious wankery

Totally agree. Why should she be generous with her house/time? Bet the cousin hasn’t asked to stay when there’s not a party nearby!

Mishappening · 08/03/2018 19:07

It matters not whether you are being reasonable or not - it is your home and your decision and they will just have to lump it.

BlueStockingUK · 08/03/2018 19:07

After reading the discussions of the day, I've HAD to come back with regards to 'The nutter' who felt, OP should cancel their long awaited weekend and host adult cousin & wife who wouldn't accept a polite decline/pay up for a Travelodge.

It's March..I've known since last October our youngest ( 12 yrs) is on a France trip for 4 days in July. Our eldest has flown the nest.

In 20 years we have never spent more than 1 night away from the children. I cannot begin to tell you how BEYOND EXCITED I/We are and booked a 3 night stay in Scotland.

Anything/anywhere with just us 2 would be just as fab

Nothing is this world would stop me from spending this very special time with my hubby, except for 2 reasons

  1. France cancelled
  2. A death !

Certainly not a cousin, wanting to save on a hotel...

I wish you a weekend of fun, laughter & love..sploshing & chandelier swinging

Iseveryusernametaken · 08/03/2018 19:07

Tell them the truth! You're planning an incredibly dirty weekend at home. 😂

Bettercallsaul1 · 08/03/2018 19:08

Have a clear conscience on me. Grin

MN can always be depended on for the kindness of strangers.

PolarBearkshire · 08/03/2018 19:15

I would say -oh did you not read what o told you before?? We are very busy - have lots on and we of course would love to see you at a different more convenient occassion. I hope you can understand that we need time alone with a husband and i hope you enjoy your party. Byeeeee

GabsAlot · 08/03/2018 19:18

i dont even ask if im going to be bloody next door to my relatives visiting- esp if they never bother any other time i.e ops cousin

enjoy your weekend op

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 08/03/2018 19:19

Sorry, it really doesn't suit that weekend.

TheCatsMother44 · 08/03/2018 19:22

No need for name calling and yet others are called vipers and are told they're mean spirited.... ooookayyy.

FWIW, I don't think the OP is being mean spirited nor should they 'try to be more generous with their time and home'.

I'm with the OP on this, it's a rare weekend with the house to themselves, make the most of it!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/03/2018 19:22

"the party is some distance from here, about an hour by public transport"
I am gobsmacked by that. In what way is that near you?

crashbangwhallop · 08/03/2018 19:25

I would have gone with "apologies dear cousin but that weekend is our swingers party and we're hosting... you're more than welcome to stay but you will be expected to join in. DP is has shaved something special into his chest hair and is rather looking forward to getting to know you better!"

Katyb121 · 08/03/2018 19:52

😂😂 had to google 'sploshing'

Original poster
LaceandChintz · 08/03/2018 20:17

Thank you everyone for your messages. My cousin is nice, I don't really think he was being (that) cheeky asking twice, if I'm being generous. But I don't think he would consider that we may be really really excited about "us" time! He has no children or dependents so probably doesn't realise what a rare treat this is.
To whoever said I should be more generous with my time and home (I can't scroll back on the app on my phone to see) I'm sorry but you have no idea how generous I am. I am very giving.
And yes I felt guilty for wanting to say no to them. Which is why I sought the opinion of Mumsnet.
But for once, I was thinking about me and dh and giving my time and home to us and our marriage.
Anyway cousin has accepted my declining his request so all is well.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 08/03/2018 20:57

OP - you are right, none of us knows you in person or how generous you are in RL. I'm sure you are a genuinely lovely person. We can only base our comments on what we read online.
I hope you enjoy your child-free weekend with your husband.
I've been on Mumsnet for over 15 years, so nothing really surprises me on here any more.

cheval · 08/03/2018 22:15

The importance of saying no is a lesson that has taken me many decades to learn. Have your weekend with husband. The cousin can stay elsewhere. If he really wants to see you, he will make the effort another time.

Thistlebelle · 08/03/2018 22:28

Extinct I’m aware you didn’t coin the phrase Grin I’ve been on MN a while myself...

I was just pointing out the small hypocrisy of complaining about name calling while... name calling. Wink

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 08/03/2018 23:50

I’d just give them a key, say were kid free so you’re welcome to stay but please clean up after yourselves as we won’t be there

Thistlebelle · 09/03/2018 03:45

Sarah the entire point of the thread is that they will be there. Grin

They just don’t want visitors because it’s a rare child free weekend and they want some time to themselves.

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