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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be consumed with jealousy of my younger sister?

51 replies

GreenEyedGrouch · 05/03/2018 19:33

I am sure it will passEnvy but I am feeling it right now.

She has just landed an extremely well paid job and has a lovely life with her husband and kids.

My mother told me recently that she thinks I'm jealous of her. This is because she wouldn't have got that job without my mother giving her years of free childcare including staying overnight, and doing housework, when she had to travel abroad (in a previous job). I never had that as I am older and my mother wasn't in a position to practically move in with me when I had my DC. I can rationalise that and I know its not my sisters fault.

My mother also paid off all her debts so she could buy a house and paid nursery fees when her DC were younger.

I guess the underlying jealousy though is that she grew up with her Dad. I didn't as my Dad left when I was 7 and her Dad is my stepdad. She is confident, vivacious, pretty and slim as well. Everything I'm not!

My parents lost interest in my DC as soon as she had hers as well.

It just feels so unfair and I feel like a terrible person. AIBU?

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 05/03/2018 19:37

Yanbu.

But for your sake, put it away and enjoy what you have!

Did your mum also contribute financially in some way towards your life expenses?

applesandpears56 · 05/03/2018 19:39

Well on the face of it you have every right to feel aggreived.
Has your mother helped you at all?

cici54 · 05/03/2018 19:45

No, you're not a terrible person, you're just human. Don't beat yourself up about having feelings and emotions, everyone has them about lots of different things. Just remember what peoples lives are like on the outside might not be what it really is at home. There's clearly things from your childhood that you still carry with you. A lot of us carry experiences from our childhood that stays with us for the rest of our lives. I didn't have a great relationship with my mum and I still feel resentful to this day. Its how you deal with those feelings now that are important, and making sure they don't get destructive and affect your every day life. You've acknowledged that these feelings are likely to pass, that's a start. Until then, don't be too hard on yourself x

Curtainshopping · 05/03/2018 19:54

Sounds like some favouritism here, no wonder you feel jealous. Has your mum helped you financially as well?

Original poster
GreenEyedGrouch · 05/03/2018 20:01

No financial help for us as I haven't felt I had the right to it what with it being my stepfather's money (mum hasn't worked) and it would have helped in some of the circumstances we have been in.

I want to be happy for my sister but it's really hard.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 05/03/2018 20:04

Has your dm always favoured your dsis when she was born op?

Liara · 05/03/2018 20:06

Sadly blended families are like this. You can let it consume you or you can shrug it off.

My younger half-sibs will never need to work for a living, and their dc have their inheritance assured too.

I wouldn't swap my life for theirs (I'm incredibly happy and they are not), but it has made me focus on building up assets to leave my dc - it's incredible how much easier things are when you have a decent leg up from your parents, and I would want my dc to have that.

BewareOfDragons · 05/03/2018 20:11

YANBU.

I'm sorry, OP. Your mum has been very unfair, and so has your Stepdad for that matter. He married a woman with a child whose father left the child ... if he wasn't prepared to love a small child like his own he never should have married your mum. Let alone have another child with her and let his wife treat one so much better than the others -- his own, of course.

sucks.

LeighaJ · 05/03/2018 20:12

It sounds like your Mum is partly to blame for the seeds of jealousy being planted then encouraged to flourish...

Chugalug · 05/03/2018 20:12

Oh bless you,that's awful..how can they treat you both so differently..o wonder you feel. As you do

kubex · 05/03/2018 20:15

You need to get over it.

It's not your sisters fault that she is more successful and more confident than you, or that she is prettier and slimmer than you are.

It seems like you have issues with your mother. Instead of hating on your sister, maybe you should talk to her instead.

If you are unhappy with yourself or your life, do something to change it.

edwinbear · 05/03/2018 20:18

YANBU. My mother favours my sister and her family. She lived with them for 2 months when she had her DC2 and frequently stays with them to provide childcare so she can jet off on long weekends with her DH. She leads a very charmed life, SAHM with high earning DH but has become a very unpleasant person who has lost a grip on the real world the rest of us inhabit.

I'm NC with both of them and far happier for it.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/03/2018 20:18

Your sort of feelings only arise when parents do not treat their children fairly or equally.

I think it’s downright dreadful that your mother married a man and allowed him to treat her two children differently when it came to finances.

Given everything you have said in your post you have got every right to be upset.

The only way to alleviate some of your feelings is to allow the situation to motivate you to ensure that your life is as good as it can be.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 20:19

Imo long term you will have a stronger relationship with you dc. You have job satisfaction in your dc as only you have brought them up. You will reap the rewards for that imo.

ssd · 05/03/2018 20:19

I have this but the other way round, my parents provided childcare etc etc to my older sister but by the time I had kids my dad died and mum was elderly....then I was left to care for mum whilst I had young kids and had to take a min wage job round caring for them and mum, meanwhile sister had a good job, grown up kids and left all the caring to me

sometimes life just isn't fair

daisychain01 · 05/03/2018 20:20

Does your DSis ever acknowledge her advantage, or does she take it all for granted?

Reading your posts, it makes me feel very sad on your behalf, because not only was there favouritism shown, but it has led to a barrier between you and your DSis, largely for things that weren't of her doing, just because she was the recipient of those extras from your DM.

Do you think you have some need to "forgive" her, or indeed for her to acknowledge your situation, at least - in order to be able to move forward?

Decisionsohdecisions · 05/03/2018 20:22

This does sound terribly unfair.
But could you use this as motivation to get some of the things you want from life? Your sister is slim. Can you diet/excercise to feel healthy and confident. Your dc are bigger now is there anything you want to pursue at work?
The fact her dc are favoured would really make me sick aswell. But I once read somewhere that children need their parents for happiness, grandparents are just a very nice added bonus if they are around.
If your dm doesn’t bother much with your dc, they will be fine because they have you, and when they are bigger they won’t bother with Your dm as much as they would had she shown more interest in them. Her loss. Also You will have the pleasure of knowing how they turn out is because of you.
Does your dp/husband have parents who are around? Could you focus on the in laws and your relationship with them?
I suppose what I’m saying is if you can focus on what you want to do, and making people happy who strive to make you happy (your dc/partner/whoever else) whilst the situation is and always will be unfair, it will probably feel less significant to you day to day.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 05/03/2018 20:22

You're not a terrible person. All of the odds were stacked in her favour, and sometimes at your expense.

I think acknowledge your feelings and 'allow' them without being unpleasant to your sister. You wouldn't be human if you didn't notice that she's drawn longer straws than you have.

ssd · 05/03/2018 20:23

oh and sister had my mum and dad as caring loving grandparents who adored her kids, now my kids are here and the grandparents are all dead

puglife15 · 05/03/2018 20:23

Through circumstances rather than choice my DPs have helped my DSIS with her kids a lot more, lots of childcare for several years. I'm not jealous of her but I am jealous of the help she's had, we have literally zero help and it's been so so hard at times.

But everyone has their problems and their shit to deal with and I guarantee that includes your sister.

Be proud you've made it yourself without their help.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 05/03/2018 20:23

Well obviously it's not your sisters fault that she's had a fairly charmed life but you'd have to be a saint not to feel a twinge of jealousy so no, yanbu at all!

Your mother should already realise that different circumstances meant more advantages for your sister without you needing to point it out but it seems like she finds it easier to dismiss you as jealous rather than acknowledge the fact you didn't get the same?

SantaClauseMightWork · 05/03/2018 20:23

That is so unfair. And it is not jealousy on your behalf. It is genuine grievance.
I would move past it though. Or raise it matter-of-factly the next time this topic comes up. Don't get angry when discussing this. Simply do a 2+2 in front of whoever is asking/saying something. Then tell them to be honest and fair. Then stay quite. I know it is harder said than done.
There is a chance your mum and step father and/or sister are feeling defensive and trying to create excuses for their shitty behaviour. There is also a remote chance one or more of them realise how it has been different for you.
Either way, just move one. You will be so much happier if you do. Flowers

mimibunz · 05/03/2018 20:25

YABU. Sibling jealousy is a nasty business. Everyone is different and has a different path in life. You can be proud of what you have without getting help.

Blackteadrinker77 · 05/03/2018 20:26

That is awful that you are treated so differently. That should not happen.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2018 20:26

How does your mum know you're jealous? What are you saying to alert her to that? I also think maybe your statements aren't right. Her dad paid off the debts , so it's prob him treating differently there.

How much younger is she? Do you ever spend time together?