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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be consumed with jealousy of my younger sister?

51 replies

GreenEyedGrouch · 05/03/2018 19:33

I am sure it will passEnvy but I am feeling it right now.

She has just landed an extremely well paid job and has a lovely life with her husband and kids.

My mother told me recently that she thinks I'm jealous of her. This is because she wouldn't have got that job without my mother giving her years of free childcare including staying overnight, and doing housework, when she had to travel abroad (in a previous job). I never had that as I am older and my mother wasn't in a position to practically move in with me when I had my DC. I can rationalise that and I know its not my sisters fault.

My mother also paid off all her debts so she could buy a house and paid nursery fees when her DC were younger.

I guess the underlying jealousy though is that she grew up with her Dad. I didn't as my Dad left when I was 7 and her Dad is my stepdad. She is confident, vivacious, pretty and slim as well. Everything I'm not!

My parents lost interest in my DC as soon as she had hers as well.

It just feels so unfair and I feel like a terrible person. AIBU?

OP posts:
Somerford · 05/03/2018 20:28

Unfortunately we don't all have the same starting point in life. It's unfair. It's especially unfortunate when there is such a discrepancy between siblings but you can't undo it and you have no control over it. You DO have control over where you end up however.

Resentment and jealousy are dangerous feelings if you allow them to ferment. They will consume you eventually but you have control over that as well. I imagine you've spent a lot of time imagining where you'd be of you and your sister had been treated equally. Plot a course to get there in spite of your disadvantages. It's hard, there will be lots of things in your way and it will be tempting to decide that it's impossible. It isn't impossible though, it's just difficult. You might not get the things you want even if you do your best. But ultimately your position will be much better than it is now.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/03/2018 20:30

Nah . Your mother is a piece of work isn’t she Angry

Not only has she favoured your sister financially she has also favoured her with regards to child care . Sorry if I am making you feel worse but I am pretty appalled and you have every right to feel aggrieved. Flowers

I think what coco said it spot on actually

And - do what you can to focus on what you do have and do whatever mental training you can to not let this take over your life Flowers

ssd · 05/03/2018 20:32

sorry to come on your thread and complain op

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2018 20:34

I'm not sure here, I think it's also relevant how old the op and her sister are, has she always felt this rivalry, how old are the kids, lots of stuff missing.

LaGattaNera · 05/03/2018 20:35

Sorry to hear this OP I understand why you feel like this.

Does your step-dad treat you differently or is it your mum?

BonnieF · 05/03/2018 20:36

Envy is a pointless emotion. A complete waste of time.

If you and your own partner and kids are in good health and have enough money for your needs, you are very fortunate.

You can’t change the past, so move on and get on with the rest of your life.

BrownTurkey · 05/03/2018 20:38

💐 let go of the pretty and slim thing, its very subjective and remember everyone’s their own worst critic. (My friends and family members are definitely not better than me because they are slimmer). But yeah, it sounds like your sister got dealt a better hand and some of her successes are built on that. Celebrate yours, there will be a gazillion.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 05/03/2018 20:39

The fact that you don't even ASK for money as you see it as coming from her father is probably a narrative that filtered down from your mother. You were raised to be a people pleaser who never asked for anything I suspect.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 05/03/2018 20:42

My parents' parenting of my brother was so different from their parenting of me. He was encouraged and supported and I was controlled and dissuaded and talked out of every idea I ever had. I know they didn't mean to undermine me as much as they did. They were quite sexist (my Mum too). My mum gets annoyed with women who say that they want more than being a Mum. She takes that very personally so her 'guidance' of me was always done through the lens of what wouldn't make her feel bad about herself. She didn't want anything bad to happen to me of course. She wanted me to be safe and happy but there was so much stuff going on that my mother would never ever look at. I had psychotherapy and that annoyed her no end.

OCSockOrphanage · 05/03/2018 20:47

As a PP has noted, blended families are minefields and negotiating the right route through isn't easy, ever, for anyone. If my DH is any yardstick, he has always been adamant that he couldn't ever see another man's child as his responsibility. Fortunately for us, there has only been one child.

I think you have to suffocate your inner green-eyed monster and enjoy your sister, who is going to be around for a lot longer than your parents. It probably would be worth asking your mum how she feels now you are adults, but be prepared for her to tell you that she was in love with your step-dad and was grateful that he was happy to take you on as a team, and to move forward. I am sure it cuts to the quick of your existence, but swallow the jealousy, and make your own happiness.

TatianaLarina · 05/03/2018 20:49

I’m sorry that you’ve both been treated so differently. I’m not sure that you are jealous you sound more sad and hurt, understandably.

anothersuitcase · 05/03/2018 20:49

If your stepdad has been in your life since you were seven and you are not close to your bio dad then your mum is massively unreasonable allowing him to spoil and favour his own child like this. Poor you, adults feel aggrieved for far more subtle slights. Sadly if your mum lacks the maternal
Instinct to realise this you will have to make your peace with it in your own way (counselling?) as it sounds like overall you have a good relationship with all of them and don't want it to turn sour. But -
yadnbu Thanks

CruCru · 05/03/2018 20:49

I find it quite weird that your mother has told her that she thinks you are jealous of your sister. If she can see that your lives are quite different, it is unkind to point this out to you. Also, telling you that you are "jealous" makes it your fault. I wonder whether your mother actually feels some guilt at having done so much more for your sister and is trying to shift blame onto you?

I know that a few posters have said that envy is a destructive emotion. I wonder whether any emotion is completely negative. It is easy to say that someone should focus on the positives but perhaps it is important to acknowledge that you think your sister has been treated quite differently (I mean to yourself, whether you say so to your mother and / or sister is your business).

Possibly, what you feel is a form of grief. Your father left when you were seven and your younger sister had an easier life than you've had. If it were a friend in her position, it may not be that you would feel such envy but as it is your sister, it is understandable.

I think you should be kinder to yourself. If your family upsets you, choose to see them less often. Make sure that you spend time doing things that you enjoy.

TatianaLarina · 05/03/2018 20:52

I think your mum is trying to blame you because she knows she’s treated you very badly.

A good SF would have treated you and your sister the same, and that’s partly on her for allowing it.

CornforthWhite · 05/03/2018 20:53

If asked again switch the question to your mum and say why would you/her think that? Do you think you’ve treated us differently? See what your mum has to say.
You are well within your rights to feel envious. However it will eat you up and you have to let go. Sadly life isn’t fair and there’s no changing that.

Didiusfalco · 05/03/2018 20:57

You’re not unreasonable- it’s bloody unfair Angry

To be honest it sounds a bit toxic. Is it worth keeping them st arms length for your own sanity?

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2018 21:04

If she can see that your lives are quite different, it is unkind to point this out to you

Again I think context is required here. What was the op saying that caused the mum to say it for example.

There is just too much missing here. And some of it isn't right. Yes the mother might have been in a position to help with childcare but that's not why thr sister got thr good job, that was also down to hard work and skill. You don't get given good jobs just because you are available.

Also being able to buy her house. How much was the debt being paid off. Usually being able to buy your own house involves a consderwble deposit, so again more than just the debt.

Then as said before. What's the ages involved here. There could be a significant age difference between the two women, as well as a signifcant age difference between the grandkids.

Sometimes when people are envious, they post things in the worst light, and don't present a balanced view. I suspect there is some of that going on here.

f83mx · 05/03/2018 21:06

Yeah i'd be a bit peeved - especially if there is obvious favouritism to the grandchildren, thats pretty sad actually. Its probably not really jealously but recognising there's an injustice there. But not sure there's anything that can be done, only invest as much time/feelings into the relationship as they give you

Crunched · 05/03/2018 21:10

Could it be that your DM is aware your bio-Dad is going to be leaving you a substantial sum when he dies? I know that won't be any consolation at the perceived lack of empathy for you at present, but she may feel you will benefit from a boost in the future.

Fishface77 · 05/03/2018 21:16

YANBU!
Your mums nasty!
It doesn’t even sound like it’s the money thing.
It’s the practical help.
If she says your jealous of your sis again laugh and say naa I’m not jealous! I feel sorry for her cus she’ll have to look after you when your old cus I won’t be doing it! Then laugh some more.

DistanceCall · 05/03/2018 21:42

Your mother has clearly favoured your sister. And she seems to enjoy rubbing your nose in it. I'm very sorry - it's extremely unfair.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/03/2018 22:45

I'm in the same position. First child of penniless teenage parents who split up before I was born. My mother struggled to provide even the basic things. Eventually they both married other people, and started to have families. My half siblings on both sides had savings bonds, piano lessons, riding lessons, school trips. It felt like I always seemed to hit the point of needing something just when nobody could provide it - I paid for my own driving lessons and car. My half siblings were all taught by parents and had everything paid for. There is also a step sister now whose mother is very vocal about her having everything "we" had, and my DF obliges...

StripeyMonkey1 · 05/03/2018 22:54

I think that's hard but basically it's your sister's dad who has provided for her.

I don't think you can really blame your sister or your mum here. Surely it is the absent dad who has failed, if anyone?

Life can be very unfair but no-one knows what the future will be for any of you in terms of health and personal relationships and in many other areas. Maybe at some point your sister will be jealous of you!

StripeyMonkey1 · 05/03/2018 22:57

Maybe your mum could have done more, but I still think it's tough to land all the blame with her. If it's not her money, she has a hard choice to justify to herself (and I bet she feels guilty, whether she admits it to herself and you or not).

StripeyMonkey1 · 05/03/2018 23:01

And your mum has no place in telling you that you are jealous. Of course you are, and with justification!

You could always tell her that you are mostly sad that your father did not provide for you in the same way. That might get a more useful response from her, from your perspective.

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