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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you know you’re a good parent and whether you ever wonder if you’re not?

56 replies

kitkatsky · 05/03/2018 19:25

What makes a good parent? Are you a good parent? What makes you think you are? Do you ever wonder if you are or not?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2018 19:27

Yes I am.
I've come in the my own tbh.

Blackteadrinker77 · 05/03/2018 19:28

I did make mistakes with my children, too hard at times, not hard enough at others. Hindsight is great.

They are all adults now and we are very close, they don't think I'm a bad Mum so that is all that counts.

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/03/2018 19:29

A good parent is one who is emotionally available, and equips their offspring to fly the nest and gives them the skill set to cope out in the world.

UpstartCrow · 05/03/2018 19:32

I dont think most bad parents question if they were good parents or not?
I know I made mistakes, but the dc's seem to have turned out OK, they are fairly compassionate and open minded. We can talk honestly, which is not something I had with my parents and means a lot to me.

Brainfogmcfogface · 05/03/2018 19:33

I know that I am doing the best I can. And as long as I’m doing my best and putting my child first, I am a great parent and no, I never doubt myself.

EsmeMargaretNoteSpelling · 05/03/2018 19:33

I’m ok as a parent. I made mistakes and then tried not to make the same ones again. My DD is nearly off to uni and is excited to go and fly the nest which I think is my job to help her develop the confidence to do this. At the same time she knows I will catch her if disaster strikes!
We don’t have a huggy, Facebook type, declare your love type relationship but that’s more about our personalities however she knows 100% how much I love her and that she is my no. 1 concern.

SmileyBird · 05/03/2018 19:33

Why do you ask?

nomorespaghetti · 05/03/2018 19:34

I think I'm a good parent to my daughter. She's only 2. She's profoundly deaf, so we have a lot of challenges, but I think in actually quite good at being a parent to a deaf child... probably better than i would have been if she'd been hearing! I'm patient, and i put her needs first. I have to make hard decisions that will affect the rest of her life, and I think I'm doing ok, and putting in contingency plans in case she doesn't end up liking these decisions.

PoppyCherry · 05/03/2018 19:35

I think I’m a shit parent and give Head space to it everyday

Which probably means I’m one of the better ones.

elQuintoConyo · 05/03/2018 19:37

I don't know.

6yo is surrounded by books, crafting stuff, imaginative toys (science kit, meccano blah blah blah). We have a dog and a love of the woods, picnics and playing in streams.

DH and i share chores, show good manners to each other, are affectionate in fromt of dc.

However, i can tend to be a bit shouty Blush am stricter than other parents (we live in Spain, children here are gods), tonight was nuggets and chips night followed by ice cream. Child hates veg so i have to fanny around hiding it rather than chicking it on a plate and leaving him to it. We sometimes let him fall asleep on the sofa. DH didnt put ds's pyjama top on last night, just let him sleep in his jumper Grin

We shower him in love and always listen to him - things missing from my own childhood. In avoiding the mistakes my parents made, i'm sure we're making others.

We are all just shuffling along trying our best, surely?

Thesmallthings · 05/03/2018 19:37

I'm open to my children to tell their feelings to. I make sure they kniw there loved and I'll allways help how ever I can.

Saying that there have been times iv felt they'd be better if some where else esp when I was a single parent. I felt like I was failing them alot of times.

Guess I'll only k ow when their old enough to decided for them self's.

Blackteadrinker77 · 05/03/2018 19:39

I dont think most bad parents question if they were good parents or not

I agree. They seem to think they are great and never make mistakes.

Nuffaluff · 05/03/2018 19:40

I’m good at some things, not so good at others.
I’m good at encouraging independence and confidence while not pushing. I’m good at sharing my children’s interests. I’m good at hugs and showing love. I do all the stuff like providing healthy food, good bedtimes, helping with homework, etc.
But sometimes I lose my shit and just go ‘aaaaarrrrgh!’ I have a certain amount of patience but I wish I had more.
Not a perfect parent, but I’m good enough.

Lethaldrizzle · 05/03/2018 19:41

There is another thread about this at the mo except that poster is not questioning their parenting skills but other peoples

Cleanermaidcook · 05/03/2018 19:44

I think I'm doing ok, but like 70p Saud bad parents probably won't question themselves.
I try my best, I'm there for them emotionally and physically but I make the face their own challenges and take responsibility. I try to facilitate as many activities / clubs as I can afford both financially and timewise. I say sorry when I get things wrong.
I do my best, that's all you can do isn't it.

Blackteadrinker77 · 05/03/2018 19:48

There is another thread about this at the mo except that poster is not questioning their parenting skills but other peoples

Can I ask which thread or is that against the rules?

implantsandaDyson · 05/03/2018 19:49

I think I'm a good parent tbh, I have confidence in my own ability as a parent. I'm not really one for guilt in general. When I had my first I felt that this was something I could do and do well, like when you know you're good at your job - you just know. My kids are smart, confident, eager to get out and do things, happy to spend time on their own, enjoy school, we've had no friendship dramas, no school panic, they dont annoy themselves too much about what other people think. I've three- 2 in primary and one in secondary.

SaucyJack · 05/03/2018 19:49

I think taking responsibility for your own mistakes, and actively trying to do better in the future is the difference between a good-enough and a shit parent.

The worst parents I've known have been very keen to play the victim in their own life, and have refused to step up and be the adult within their own family.

Crispyturtle · 05/03/2018 19:49

I think I’m a crap parent most of the time. I’ve got a toddler and a baby & am therefore knackered most of the time, which makes me shouty, which I hate but don’t seem to be able to stop. I worry about it a lot, but other people say I’m a lovely mum and both kids seem pretty happy. We have lots of cuddles and play silly games together, so rationally I’m probably doing ok.

NoodlesLivesHere · 05/03/2018 19:51

I have no idea if I'm any good. The proof if that will be in what adults they grow into.

But I know I'm good enough for now. I'm emotionally available to them. They are fed and sheltered. I take them to the dentist regularly and the GP if necessary. I encourage them to find a sport they enjoy for keeping fit. They aren't overweight. They don't have rotten teeth. I read with them.

But there are plenty of negatives that I'm not listing because that's not helpful to me and my endless working parent guilt.

I do my best and hope for the best whilst loving then with every breath I take. I hope in years to come they can turn around and say "You were a good mum"

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/03/2018 20:01

I think I’m easily good enough. Good enough being the standard to not have them taken into care. I’m not good. Reasonably good but with too little patience.

Echobelly · 05/03/2018 20:05

I think being at either extreme (think that you or perfect, or thinking everything you do is dreadful and will ruin your child/ren's life) is a bad sign. A bit of self-doubt is healthy and normal.

My view is we should be a bit more forgiving of ourselves - we will all do things that are suboptimal for our kids and maybe give them some characteristics that are not ideal - being too self-critical, or a bit lazy, or bad tempered etc. But on the whole we have to do far worse than than to prevent them doing well enough in life, having healthy relationships with others and so on. Human beings are resilient - we'd all be basket cases if we couldn't cope with our parents being far from perfect most of the time.

VioletCharlotte · 05/03/2018 20:13

I think I am. I'm a single Mum with two teen DS (18 and 16). I've got a good relationship with them and we can talk openly about stuff and they talk to me about what's going on in their lives. They're pretty respectful (most of the time!) of me and out home, and they're kind and considerate to relatives and their friends. I'm not perfect by any means, but I think I've done ok.

I think I've got better as they've got older. I had them in my early 20's and was pretty clueless. I look back now and cringe at some of the things I did. I found having babies/ toddlers hard work. I much preferred the primary school years and am actually enjoying having teens.

Original poster
kitkatsky · 05/03/2018 20:14

Thanks so much for your comments. I guess my original post was based on having a shout in response to a tantrum then getting tied up in knots about why I’m allowed to shout and then tell her she can’t etc!

I think I’m ok most of the time but sometimes the stuff that comes out of my mouth when upset makes me despise myself

OP posts:
MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 05/03/2018 20:15

Self doubt is normal, I worry about this too but that said I love my kids and they know that, I can be shouty which I'm working on but they know they are cared for and loved, I take them out, we have regular movie nights and I take an interest in their school work but don't push them too hard. I praise the small stuff and unlike my own mother, they have a stable home which is practically alcohol free so no drama or worry about what's going to happen tonight!