To ask how you know you’re a good parent and whether you ever wonder if you’re not?

[kitkatsky]

What makes a good parent? Are you a good parent? What makes you think you are? Do you ever wonder if you are or not?

I have a 3 year old and 7 month old and most of the time I feel like a shit parent.

Dunno really.

They both seem happy enough.

I constantly worry that I am getting it all wrong. I know i am doing the very best that I can and that's all that I can do.

No, I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a good job. I have good days but I'm compulsively lazy and can't seem to snap out of it.

@kitkatsky

Ain't no such thing as a perfect parent!

See I don't think there's anything wrong in your child seeing you lose your temper, shout or have a quick ffs between gritted teeth. We're suppose to show our kids how to deal with emotion, how to apologise, how to move on, how not to cast things up, how to live in a happy, equal relationship.

I don't think it helps my kids to think that I'm the epitome of calm at all times, what I do after I make a mistake, a bad judgement call, how I deal with things after the initial ire that's what's important.

I didn't have good parents/other role models or a 'normal' childhood so I've winged it over the years.
I've not got everything right by a long shot but I did the best I could with the resources I had available at the time.
My DCs are totally different but the kind of humans they have grown into makes me proud every day, that makes me think I must've done ok.
Watching your own DD parent her child shines a light on you in ways you never imagined

I thought i was better as a mother of 1. I have a 5yr old and an 17month old and just get by. It eats me up, I was much better with 1. But, I tell myself that in a year's time it will be easier to manage them both and it will all be ok.

I have days when I struggle. Kids having too much screen time, not eating enough veg...and I think I must be pretty shit and then I see them helping each other out. Older one reading with the younger one or them building a den together with the younger one - my little budding engineer taking charge of the situation and I think "eh, maybe I'm not doing so badly - they're pretty cool little people".

I know I have the potential to be, and the desire to do it. But day to day I doubt every day how well I do, especially at the moment as my DC is such a difficult baby.

UpstartCrow

"I dont think most bad parents question if they were good parents or not?"

That's so true, whether it's a lack of self-awareness or selfishness or whatever, bad parents rarely see themselves as such.

To the OP, even the best parents and most patient people can get to the end of their tether and have a few moments their ashamed of as a parent, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it tbh.

I think I am. I am only 9 months into this parenting malarkey so it’s hard to know if I’m getting it all wrong.

I try my best for him. I love him with all my heart and I give him everything I’ve got. I make sure his needs are taken care of and everyone that knows him says what a secure and happy baby he is so I must be doing something right.

I am fully expecting parenting to get much harder as he gets older but I hope I will feel like I am a good one and doing my best for him

I used to feel like a rubbish parent, always questioning whether I was doing right by my dc or messing up royally. I would withdraw due to depression and feel terribly guilty about it. However, looking back, I can see that even in my darkest most suicidal moments my thoughts were always about them. I wasn't the best parent at the time but I wasn't awful.

I believe a good parent is one who provides safety, security and love, and teaches a child how to live in the world independently. They should be compassionate, a good listener, and admits when they're wrong. Sometimes we have crap days and shout, but that does not necessarily make a bad parent, just one that didn't do well in that one particular moment.

This thread is quite lovely but it is making me a bit weepy. My own parents were very decent parents until they made one huge mistake and then kept digging and don’t seem know how to stop. It has really knocked my confidence, years of good work can go down the drain. Relationships are precious. It makes me nervous with my own kids, I feel like I do a good job but I fear the rug can be pulled out from under you.

In general I'm a good parent I think. I made some shocking decisions when dd1 was little though and am horrified when I look back. BUT, she's made it to 18 relatively unscathed, has always done well at school, is pretty independent, etc so I can't have done a bad job overall.

I'm making different mistakes with dd2, so hopefully she will end up fine as well.

What they've both always had is a stable home with family who love them, and I think that's worth a huge amount. Differences in parenting style pale into insignificance when you look at what some children survive, like abuse, neglect, poverty, etc

What did they do, yellow?

I'm not at the moment. I'm exhausted, snappy, and although not a single parent, I do pretty much all child related things, and run the house. Occasionally husband will get involved to criticise something I do. So no, I'm not a good parent at the moment. The basics are covered, but that's it. I wish I could do better.

I just hope they don't hate me when they're older.

@all my people... think this is my fear, that she’ll grow up to despise me oh mumsnet when I’ve tried to do my best but know I often fail in ur patience/understanding/ shouting at her to not shout at me stakes!

This is something you don't get to decide. Your kids do.

When they are adults they will pass their judgement to you and you'll know if you were a good parent or not without a shadow of a doubt. They always do. Till then you can only do your best and what you think is right.

So no, as parents we don't get to decide if we are good or not. That decision is our children's. Just as it is ours on our own parents.

Every single parent (every single human being in fact) will make mistakes and have bad days and sometimes say or do the wrong thing. Hindsight is wonderful and it’s eash to look back and think you should’ve handled a situation differently.

Good parents put their kids needs first. I don’t mean giving them everything they want, but the stuff the actually need like food and a home and an education and love. Your children’s needs should always come before parents wants.

Hopefully I've got time to improve. In a massive fog at the moment and most things seem a bit shitty. I'm hopeful better times are around the corner, and I can do my children proud. They're young, it's exhausting.

Kitkatsky - sending all my spare strength to you.

You are questioning yourself over having shouted? Errmmm, then I'm out!
I'm good enough. Made plenty of mistakes. Sometimes better than at other times.
Surprised you need to ask really.

I make mistakes and I mess up, but I learn from them, I think we could be better parents, and spent more one to one time, but we both work full time, have a business, and also have multiple after school activities to be taxi for, as well as doing the gym ourselves however the boys are both well rounded happy individuals, well loved and to totally awesome little boys

I worry every day that I'm a shit parent.

I'm not a mother earth natural parent I find it hard and boring sometimes although I truly love my ds