Would you look down on your adult child if they weren't successful in life?

[MistressNotALot]

That's not a normal thing to do is it?

Back story is : DH and I used to have a reasonable life style - own house (mortgaged), decent car, holidays etc then we lost it all due really shit luck (which my parents put down to us making a bad choice), my mental health suffering due to a traumatic incident and having a DC with SN that meant I couldn't work.

We ended up in a flat in a council block.

Since then there has been a noticeable change in the way I gave been perceived by my family. My parents were horrified about where we lived, made jokes about it, lost interest a bit, and made comments about us taking 'their' money that they'd paid in taxes.

My siblings have been the same as although I tried to hide the true extent of our downfall, I discovered my mother has been gossiping to them behind my back including describing where we lived.

My other siblings are well off and have done pretty well for themselves. All I hear from my mother is about how well they're doing and what their DC have.

It seems I'm now the family joke.

I can't imagine being that to my own DC. I would do all I could to offer help so they didn't end up in the situation we found ourselves in.

I wouldn't look down on anyone.

People have different definitions of success.

So by success you mean having a high paid job and owning a lot of stuff?

Nope, not a measure I would use for my DCs or anyone else for that matter

Of course I wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't gossip about my child's financial problems either, not even with their siblings.
Also, success is about so much more than money. It sounds like you've managed to keep your family together in really trying circumstances- that's a real achievement. Not to mention managing to avoid being the kind of person who sneers at people who are facing difficult circumstances and gossips about them. Well done for that!

Sorry to hear they’re so difficult OP, to be honest the fact you’ve been through so much with your family and come through the other side shows how resilient, strong and tough you are - it’s a shame they can’t see that.
Success is not big houses and fancy holidays, it’s health, love, taking joy in the simple things. It’s a shame your parents have such shallow markers for success.

No, and I'd feel that I'd failed them in life if their judgement of success was solely financial. Yes, I want them to be responsible, to be financially independent, to make sensible choices. But if their only goal in life is money, I'd be very disappointed.

My exH died last year after a period of alcoholism, poor mental health and poor lifestyle choices generally. My exFIL says that if he'd known what 'would become of this son' he would never have bothered paying for private school or university. I think that one of the things that dragged my ex down was never being good enough for his father. In the 20 odd years we were together he never had a positive word to say about his son. I will never do that to my children. Never.

The only success I thought worthwhile was that my dc's grew into decent hardworking and caring people. They did and I see them help others every day. Their dear late father and I have been immensely proud of all of them!

No I wouldn't. But to me, success means happiness.

Never would I look down on my adult child. One has made a spectacularly, huge cock up but I’m trying to support him through this, he has nothing but his pride but I don’t judge him for what’s happened.

Of course not! And I'd want to help them out if I could.

Anyway, you could make more money/they could lose money. Things can change.

Are you happy?

Of course not.

I think your parents sound like horrible people! I wish every success for my DC, both personal and financially, but it’s just that a wish and not an expectation or an objective for them to hit!
The fact that you’re parents look down on your home & make comments like “their money” relating to taxes shows their true colours and you’re right, it’s not normal.
What really matters is you, your DH and your DC being together & happy, supporting each other through good times and bad. That shit matters, that’s what makes a life

I had the the 46k salary plus my partners 25k, 3 bed house, 2 children.
An accident, redundancy, mental health issues,= housing association home and benefits.
You never know what will happen in life as I found out!

Have you told your parents that you find their attitude upsetting?

I always felt like i disappointed my father but he’s dead now so he can be disapproving from afar. No I wouldn’t be nasty and gossiping like your parents, I might be concerned and wonder if I could help.

Ugh, they sound fucking awful

I want my children to be successful.

By successful I mean kind, compassionate people who are able to function in society, treat others well and generally be rounded, decent humans.

How horrible of your family to do this. Financial success is a nice extra, and something that for most people can be wiped out in a short time by illness, job loss, accident etc. You’re a loving couple looking after a child with extra needs. I see no failure there.

If it’s not rude to ask (and please feel no compulsion to answer) what was the bad choice they accuse you of making?

What utter cunts

I don't think I could ever look down on my children.

Successful to me is happy, safe and secure.

If your housing isn't safe or secure as a parent I'd help with that not talk behind your back.

Pretty grim - most parents really wouldn't do that, let alone make it public. Doesn't make them look very attractive.

My BIL has made some decisions in his life that have resulted in him living back at home with his Mum. He had a gf , mortgage and a house but it all went tits up.

He’s mentally well now, has a job and seems ok. She’s just relieved he’s on an even keel and happy.

I would never ever look down on my adult children, I just want them to be happy.

No, because I understand that "success" is different for everyone, and is equally not as important to everyone as it may be to me. Something I learned the hard way from my mother's differing opinions to mine.

My divorce and lack of a career by my mid 20s was deemed "unsuccessful" by my mother, and I couldn't give less of a fuck (now - I did for a long time - and it really hurt).

I really feel for you, OP. Your family have been disgustingly unsupportive during a time of struggle (I'm sure the whole thing must have been quite a traumatic adjustment for all of you - but it's nothing to be 'looked down on' - during any change of circumstance we all need help rather than being made to feel ashamed).

Also, you're not unsuccessful, OP. You're doing the best you can for your family just like we all are and like your siblings are and if your family don't see it like that they're arseholes.

I think my father was always disappointed in me, he came from a poor background..first to get to Grammar School and University, did well ... I did exactly the same, and then married a service man, had four children and have only worked low paid jobs since. He wanted me to be something he could brag about to his bridge club.

What he failed to see was a committed couple, who brought up four happy, loving and very close children who unlike him, have remained faithful to each other...and who don't care about material things as long as we get by.

I feel the same; two of my children went to Uni and are in decent careers (Dad would have been bragging about his doctor granddaughter :/) two work locally in low paid jobs. All are loving, kid, decent young adults and I couldn't be prouder of them .Success to me means being a kind, decent human being and anything else is a bonus!

They sound awful. I'd be ashamed if my dcs became materialistic and 'stuff focused' but not if they became dependent on benefits through ill health or misfortune.