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Original poster

Would you look down on your adult child if they weren't successful in life?

57 replies

MistressNotALot · 05/03/2018 18:31

That's not a normal thing to do is it?

Back story is : DH and I used to have a reasonable life style - own house (mortgaged), decent car, holidays etc then we lost it all due really shit luck (which my parents put down to us making a bad choice), my mental health suffering due to a traumatic incident and having a DC with SN that meant I couldn't work.

We ended up in a flat in a council block.

Since then there has been a noticeable change in the way I gave been perceived by my family. My parents were horrified about where we lived, made jokes about it, lost interest a bit, and made comments about us taking 'their' money that they'd paid in taxes.

My siblings have been the same as although I tried to hide the true extent of our downfall, I discovered my mother has been gossiping to them behind my back including describing where we lived.

My other siblings are well off and have done pretty well for themselves. All I hear from my mother is about how well they're doing and what their DC have.

It seems I'm now the family joke.

I can't imagine being that to my own DC. I would do all I could to offer help so they didn't end up in the situation we found ourselves in.

OP posts:
placebobebo · 05/03/2018 21:31

I'd gauge my childs success by how happy they were.
If they can identify what makes them happy and stick with it, then that is a successful person.

HairyToity · 05/03/2018 21:37

Most of its luck at the end of the day.

It's how you deal with it when you are at your lowest, that is a true reflection on the person. You sound resilient and I would be proud of you.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 05/03/2018 21:40

No. I'd be delighted if they excelled but as long as they're happy and productive and not doing anything illegal I'd be happy.

Success isn't always based purely on the outwardly visible or lasting. Never write people off or gloat.

scaryteacher · 05/03/2018 21:58

Short of ds becoming an axe wielding homicidal maniac, a rapist or hooked on drugs, or pushing drugs, there isn't much he could do to make me unsupportive.

windchimesabotage · 05/03/2018 22:01

No. Your parents sound awful!! Why are they so insecure that they have to put their own children down? Wow.

Youve done well for yourself in having a husband and child who you love.
People do well in different ways. Success is different for everyone.

Id argue that your parents are clearly the least successful of your family if they are going around slagging you off. Clearly they are not very happy with their lot if they need to do that.

gillybeanz · 05/03/2018 22:08

Anybody who looks down on you is an unsuccessful person in life.
Because they aren't nice.
It depends on how you define success.
One of my dc is set for an international career, another works in a call centre, whilst another is a mortgage advisor.
I love them all the same and treat them all the same.I don't know how anybody couldn't.
I'm so sorry you are treated like this, tell them all to go fuck themselves OP, you deserve better.

andijustthought · 05/03/2018 22:16

I'll be honest, if my child turned into an alcoholic, a gambler, a drug addict or philanderer then I'd be disappointed. I can't come in here and lie.

All I want for my DC is that they try in life and give it their best shot. If that turns them in to the next Albert Einstein then brilliant or if it turns them in to a middle management civil servant like me then I'd be equally as pleased. But they need to try.

FluffyWuffy100 · 05/03/2018 22:31

Foolish to look down on someone like that. There but by the grace of go go I... most people are only a few months paycheck away from financial disaster (ill health, redundancy, whatever)

And success is different for different people - who is to say your life isn't incredibly successful - bringing up a child with SN, having a strong loving relationship with your DH, overcoming MH issues etc

overduemamma · 05/03/2018 22:32

Never but I was always encourage/support them x

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 05/03/2018 22:38

being healthy and happy is what I want most for my dc.

I went to uni had a good career, but due to accidents of life as the french call it, I have found myself a single parent on a very low income, life is often hard and money is always tight, I wouldnt want those sort of stresses for my dc

PoorYorick · 05/03/2018 22:43

I think you're a glittering success for not being like them.

Twocatsonebaby · 05/03/2018 22:56

I get so fed up of this bollocks.
Our back story is in the 60s my great aunts were beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Dated celebrities etc. We're successful. Beautiful houses etc. My grandma married a mechanic, my granddad. Very intelligent but came from nothing. So she was looked down on.
Turns out her sisters didn't do too well for themselves in terms of marriage and didn't get famous like they wanted to be. They are now in debt trying to claim some sort of status by huge homes I have no idea how they get mortgages for.
So we took a trip to visit one of them last weekend. We took one of her sisters with us too who said she was 'happy' with one of her grandchildren.
She has her own home at 23, getting married to a rich man, back studying at Uni. It's all hunkey dory, but she isn't happy with her other grandchild. He had a one night stand with a lady and he's stuck by her despite them not getting on for their little girl. An because she's a bit 'common' and 'stupid' he's now an underdog in this family.

Personally, I take it with a pinch of salt. You're doing what you need to do for your family and you can't change luck. You just have to rebuild your life again but it says a lot how strong you are. My family loved my dad. But my mom left him and when my brother made a suicide attempt, she quit her job and went on benefits so everyone was ashamed. She's built herself back up and her home is beautiful etc. She's done so well.
Please don't let this get to you. It's the last thing you need and you can have it all back x

Stinkbomb · 05/03/2018 23:08

That's isn't how I would measure success in life tbh, especially following my experience with my ex-il where money was the be-all and end-all.
My wish for my DC is for them to be happy and safe, that's all.

Babdoc · 05/03/2018 23:23

Your parents have failed at parenthood 1.1 The bit about loving their children!
It is shameful that some parents only have kids so they can boast about them to the neighbours. You have been hugely more successful than them - because you have coped bravely with great adversity, and you are being great role models for your kids, showing them the importance of loving and caring for each other even when times are hard, and how to bounce back from disappointments or setbacks.
Your parents have despicable values. You should feel proud that you are not following in their shallow footsteps. God bless, and I hope life soon becomes easier for you.

Original poster
MistressNotALot · 05/03/2018 23:49

The 'bad choice' was moving abroad for a new life but the job did not turn out as it should have (many others in the same boat at DH's work who had also come over from the UK). The bad luck was being unable to sell (due to DH's salary being half what it should have been) the house we bought so losing all equity due to market forces at the time and coming back with just a suitcase each.

The irony is that we lived in a council house until I was 10 but that was so long ago that it's been forgotten. I have been told that the council is funding my lifestyle and the tax credits we get comes from their taxes so they are paying for us! They were surprised DH was still working as they assumed council flat meant unemployed. The council flat came after being evicted 3 times in 3 years from private rented due to LL wanting to sell.

When we got a desperately needed new TV as a phone contract free gift, we were asked 'did we pay for that too'.

Unfortunately I was raised to believe that success is measured in material things and whether we have something to brag about.

OP posts:
RitasEducation · 06/03/2018 00:09

Mental health problems are to blame in lots of cases of siblings successes.

My own issues have definitely held me back and set me apart from my siblings. They all love me and I them but it is a bit sad when they're going on holidays, upgrading cars. I resent my MH but never them or they to me.

Success is love and happiness, qualities money can't buy.

Crafters · 06/03/2018 00:13

Your parents sound unbearably cruel. No o wouldn't look down on anyone. My family have experienced being very very poor and being well off, I appreciate the people it's made them. My mum in particular knows what it's like to really struggle and so as well as empathy she just "gets it" with people who don't have money.

Some people do seem all about money, and usually they're people we can choose to avoid if their values don't align with ours. It's very difficult when it's our own family judging and mocking us. If you want to build a meaningful relationship with your parents you could tell them you've observed this behaviour from them and give them a chance to react. If they're as shallow as they seem then they may not change but you will have tried.Thanks

Crafters · 06/03/2018 00:18

It's interesting that you say you grew up in a council property.

I wonder if you being in his situation now is reminding your parents of "where they came from" and (misguided) feelings of shame associated with that. If they and your siblings are all "doing well for themselves" now then having his reminder close to home may be bringing up difficult emotions for them.

Very telling that you were brought up to openly value material things and there has always been such a focus on money.

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 06/03/2018 00:23

If you are happy, whatever that means to you and your family then you are winning. Stuff and money isn't everything. I have both stuff and money and I am very unhappy right now. But I love my DH and DC and life will get better, always count your blessings

Dontoutmenow · 06/03/2018 01:26

Your family should be ashamed of themselves. Why didn’t they help you out?

Obi1Kenobi · 06/03/2018 01:30

Success isn’t purely financial. I couldtomorrow get a 6 figure job and never see my kids again and miss their early years to nurture and guide them and kiss them, hug them etc. To me success is how many times a day your kids hug you, tickle you or tell you they love you. The rest is just extra.

Herewegoagain01 · 06/03/2018 08:09

Your parents sounds heartless. If any of my 3 dc’s were in a bad place I’d do everything I could to support them, even if it’s caused by their own mistakes. Wouldn’t dream of gossiping!

HisBetterHalf · 06/03/2018 08:15

All I want for my children is happiness. Fancy job, fancy salary, fancy house, fancy holidays doesnt mean happiness. Cant understand a parent who would look down on a child.

Sashkin · 06/03/2018 08:33

I might be disappointed for them, if their life hadn’t turned out how they’d hoped (if they were perfectly happy doing something they loved, I’d be pleased for them). I’d never be disappointed in them.

And if they had had a run of bad luck or made some bad decisions, I see it as my job as a parent to insulate them from harm as much as possible. So I’d be helping them out financially (if they’d let me). I certainly wouldn’t be looking down on them or making jokes.

abigailsnan · 06/03/2018 08:37

There is nothing worse than people forgetting where they have come from as in your parents case.
Congratulate yourselves on taking the chance of the job abroad even though it didn't work out at least you tried so you should be applauded for that.
I just don't understand your parents or siblings specially your mother gossiping about your private business.
I am surprised that you have any contact with them at all to be honest,if you where my child you and your hubby would be getting my full support.

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