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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family all met up and I feel invisible AIBu

53 replies

lilypoppet · 05/03/2018 15:36

So on Sunday, a day I was working, my brother drove my father and stepmother to take my niece out to lunch as she has had a baby. My neice lives a few doors up and the pub was very close. All the pictures of every one went on Facebook and my brother didn't even ring me to do something like pop round for a cuppa with my dad when I got in from work. They just went home, no communication with me at all. This is the second time he has done something like this. I feel invisible. AIBU?

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/03/2018 21:14

You’re the one sounding jealous and threatened though! Confused

Original poster
lilypoppet · 05/03/2018 21:15

Because. She likes to deliberately push me out.

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/03/2018 21:18

And you now plan to deliberately push her out!

It’s six of one, half a dozen of the other, I think.

They don’t like you (brother and wife) and organised a meet up when you were unavailable.

Now, you’re looking forward to arranging something that you know she will be unavailable for! There’s a pair of you in it...

Original poster
lilypoppet · 05/03/2018 21:20

Correct. They dont realise they are being manipulated.

OP posts:
DalekDalekDalek · 05/03/2018 21:21

Every one dislikes my SIL as she is bonkers but she does toady up to my dad.

If you speak about people like this in real life then that is probably why you don't get invited. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who behaves like that.

MadMags · 05/03/2018 21:24

Yeah, they’d probably tell a much different story!!

After all, SIL wasn’t the only one there, wasn’t the only one who didn’t include you, wasn’t the only one who didn’t pop in. And she had the least obligation to!

PA comments on Facebook won’t help either.

KimmySchmidt1 · 05/03/2018 22:08

Sounds like you are game playing with that passive aggressive comment on Facebook. If you were available later in the day why didn’t you just contact him and suggest they pop in or that you meet them in the pub?

Your cousin has just had a bs g so is not going to want to come to you sntwsy, she will want to keep it simple which is why they might not have bothered, but you could have joined them if you had suggested it.

Why didn’t you? Do you have s longer histotybof feeling unloved / left out / as though your brother is competing with you for affection?

Grandadwasthatyou · 05/03/2018 22:26

Op... I feel for you. I would have been hurt too.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 06/03/2018 11:06

Thanks. A lot of this goes back to my mother's funeral where SIL was an absolute nightmare. In the end me and my sister had to meet the vicar in secret without my brother as we knew he would bring SIL and she had all these "plans" for the funeral. She went into overdrive and started emailing people using my brother's name - I could tell it was her writing - She was an absolute nightmare and went all over my mother's house looking for stuff to take. In the end, after my brother told me "there was no need to come and help with sorting through my mother's house" I had to get my husband to ring them all and tell them they were out of order, which to his credit, he did. My brother allows SIL to treat us all like absolute rubbish and everyone goes along with it - except for me.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 06/03/2018 11:21

OP you sound like hard work. If you are like this IRL there's no wonder you weren't invited.

ButchyRestingFace · 06/03/2018 11:29

You were working and don't get on with your SiL. I couldn't get worked up about that.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2018 12:36

I think it's pretty clear that the reason your family shut you out is your hostility to SIL. Were you always the centre of family attention before your brother got married, or something? Your family appear to prefer her company to yours, so perhaps they don't find her as unpleasant as you insist she is.

Paie · 06/03/2018 12:42

Find myself in this situation a lot.
I'm the one family member that's never invited to things!
They've done meals, trips to London, those mystery room experiences, you name it, they've probably done it as a "family" or have planned to in the near future.
2 older siblings are invited and paid for...
I hear about it all on facebook after.

After a few years you assume it's the norm now, used to get me down, now I just expect to be excluded.
It'd be lovely if I was invited to one thing though!

Original poster
lilypoppet · 06/03/2018 12:57

Thanks for the support. For those of you assuming SIL is more popular than me, this could not be further from the truth. It was my brother who arranged this visit, so it was him doing the excluding. I am sure my father would have liked to have seen me and was unaware how I had been left out. My brother did it thoughtlessly. When I have challenged SIL's behaviour - such as her taking all my mother's (worthless, but not to me) jewellery, he does sort it out. It would be up to me to say something, but I can't be bothered now.

OP posts:
MadMags · 06/03/2018 14:34

If your brother arranged it, how is it your SIL’s fault?

BaldricksTrousers · 06/03/2018 14:40

So....

Why can't you arrange something with your own dad if you haven't seen him for months?

Crispbutty · 06/03/2018 14:59

15 miles away is not far either

steff13 · 06/03/2018 15:18

I am sure my father would have liked to have seen me and was unaware how I had been left out.

Well of course he knew you had been left out, he could see you weren't there. If he wanted to see you he could have contacted you. You only live 15 miles apart, if you want to see each other surely one of you is capable of making the arrangements without your brother and sister being involved.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 06/03/2018 17:05

My father is very elderly and I don't have a car. These get togethers are my only way if seeing him my brother organised it but SIL always gets what she wants.

OP posts:
steff13 · 06/03/2018 18:04

It seems like you're the only one your brother/SIL have excluded. If you rely on them to make visits with your father possible, you're going to have to address your relationship with them. Or, you could take a taxi to visit your father.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 06/03/2018 18:49

I do think you could have made more effort to see your dad.

DalekDalekDalek · 06/03/2018 18:52

My father is very elderly and I don't have a car.

Bus, train, taxi? Why does it have to be up to your brother to organise for you to see your father. You are an adult. Take a bit of initiative.

Taylor22 · 06/03/2018 19:29

So maybe they're fed up with your lack of effort in visiting him and are done with facilitating the relationship.

Maybe the day was just to long for your elderly father and they had to get him home.

Blackteadrinker77 · 06/03/2018 19:29

Your Dad is very elderly but you don't make an effort to see him?

Who makes sure he is fine, has shopping etc?

MsSquiz · 06/03/2018 19:35

So you blame your SIL for excluding you and being nasty to you, but your brother arranged the get together on a day you were at work so couldn't attend anyway?

And you haven't seen your dad since Christmas as you haven't visited him, but you expect them to delay going home so they can come to you?
I presume your brother was driving your dad and stepmum, and as you hate his wife, why would they then offer to go out of their way to accommodate you seeing your dad?

If you want to see your relatives, why don't you make arrangements with them, rather than expect everyone else to run around after you?