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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That MH is not excusable reason for EA?

14 replies

Bridechilla · 05/03/2018 14:45

My Dad is a heavy alcoholic and has undiagnosed (but pretty blatant and extensive family history of) MH problems. He is aware of both of these things and refuses to seek any kind of support or help, he's completely ignorant/careless to the impact it has on family members, despite having gone through the same experiences with his own family members.

I've recently gone NC. I need to put my own MH first for the time being. He's now working his way around family members getting them to do his bidding.

This has somehow landed with DM (exP of Dad) who thinks as his DD thinks this is my job and I'm incredibly uncaring to have abandoned him, his actions can't be helped as he's ILL.

This hurts a lot. NC isn't easy for my and I've spent the last 4 years being his primary contact/dogsbody/carer/emotional punchbag.

I understand that mental health is an illness but in most cases can it not be managed/helped? His lack of acknowledgment and refusal to even admit, let along seek help is the thing that's made me think that I can't continue to put myself in this position anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bridechilla · 05/03/2018 14:50

By refusal to admit, I mean making a joke about drinking +13 bottles of wine in 2 days, or admitting to parallels between him and his bipolar father's behaviour and then dismissing the need for help.

OP posts:
HateTheDF · 05/03/2018 14:53

My story - Alcoholic DM who is also disabled an has sever MH issues.

I've got 4 siblings who all went NC with DM. I stayed in contact and became her carer, my choice and she's now a recovering alcoholic BUT as a result I feel my life is wasted. I'm nearly 30, can't get a job because I spent years being a carer. I now have MH issues myself and I'm struggling to get out of a rut.

You need to put yourself first, it is so difficult living or being close to an alcoholic let alone one with MH issues (personally I believe all alcoholics have MH issues but that's a different matter). Nobody can judge you for going NC, your Dad needs to sort himself out and only he can do that.

I don't blame my siblings for going NC with my DM, they are talking again now she is off the alcohol.

Please put yourself and your MH first. That's what your Dad is doing with is drinking so you do it youself.

Bridechilla · 05/03/2018 15:00

Thank you HatetheDF I think the thing that really irks me is that DM sees it as a duty. When I think in reality the whole family took a step away it might be the does of reality he needs.

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 15:05

I agree with you bride. He may well need to hit his rock bottom and good intentioned ‘help’ is just facilitating his lack of will to change.

HateTheDF · 05/03/2018 15:06

The thing that took my DM to go to rehab was me moving out, she was never going to do it when I was there.

Why did your DM and DD split up? Because if it was the mental health issues and alcohol then surely she had as much duty to look after him as you? (not saying it's right). She took vows to look after him 'for better for worse, in sickness in health etc'. So why was it okay for her not to be able to cope but you have too? (assuming that was the reason).

It is no ones duty to look after an alcoholic. It is horrible, tiring and really bad on your own mental health.

I love my DM, I stayed, I looked after her but now she is off the alcohol and she's okay, I am the one struggling and I feel like I've missed out on my 20's and really far behind everyone else. Please don't do anything out of duty.

Bridechilla · 05/03/2018 15:44

Yes, that was the crux of it although they were never the greatest love story to begin with. He's always been an 'off the wall' character, fun in youth and childhood. However it steadily got increasingly more erratic and less dependable.

I did resent my mum when I was his sole carer as she went pretty much NC after the divorce, but I never verbalised it. Having to live with him during the divorce gave my mum severe health issues and I'm worried now she's opening this possibly back up with contact again. She says she's strong enough, but I don't think she realises how much his addictions have changed who he is as a person.

OP posts:
HateTheDF · 05/03/2018 15:49

I honestly don't believe people understand how had it is being around an addict. Maybe your DM needs to see it for herself and then maybe she will truly understand but that doesn't mean you have too. That would be her choice and you need to do what's best for you.

MrsLupo · 05/03/2018 15:56

YANBU at all, OP. My mother has mental health problems - a personality disorder, alcoholism, possibly other stuff, plus an all around dose of bad attitude and acute unpleasantness. She's worked her way around the family, playing us all off against each other, doing untold damage to us all in the process. We have all had mental health problems of our own as a result, some are dealing with that better than others.

It's a problem. But there are some problems that don't have a solution. You can waste, or ruin, your life in the process of discovering that for yourself. I don't necessarily think that walking away from your father will give him 'a dose of reality' and if you do so, I think it should be in full knowledge and acceptance of the fact that you would be doing it for yourself not for him. But I think it's the right thing to do, perhaps the only thing to do.

Good luck. It sounds as though you're due some. Flowers

Bridechilla · 05/03/2018 21:58

Thank you Lupo, sorry to hear you've experienced similar

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 07/03/2018 00:54

Thanks Bride. I am fine now, though. Once you've moved beyond the initial sense of guilt, you won't believe the incredible relief going NC with someone like this can bring. Not only am I happier and less stressed, but I'm also a nicer person. The negativity that begins to colour your outlook when you're someone's emotional punchbag affects everything you do and say eventually. You must do what's right for you, of course, but imo you won't regret this.

Namechangefailagain · 07/03/2018 01:24

Mental health is tough, many people who suffer with it are in denial about it. In fact I've suffered with it 15 years and still deny it to my family and friends. Is his drinking a way for him to cope?
It's also not easy to manage or seek help. I've just started treatment but it is not easy and has taken an awful long time.

I also completely understand how hard it is having family members with MH problems and the strain it can put on you. As much as your dad probably needs you, you do have to put you MH first.

thecatfromjapan · 07/03/2018 01:44

Your mother has her views of the world and her views of you and what you should do. You are an adult now, and you have your own sense of yourself and your own understanding of what is good for you, what you can cope with, and where your boundaries are. Those two views won't necessarily overlap.

I think you are best listening to your own feelings on this and doing what you feel is in your best interests. I suspect it will be hard for you not to at least try and compromise with your mother's wishes - you're used to listening to her, taking her advice on board, and you probably want to please her. And you assume that - because she knows and loves you - she wouldn't suggest a particular course of action without having taken on board the impact on you and what would be best for you in the long run.

However, people aren't always that sensible. They get caught up with pre-set patterns, with quite unreflective ideas they've inherited and never questioned, and with their own - often unexamined - dramas and conflicts.

I think this might well be one situation where your mother isn't thinking quite as clearly as she might. I'm not sure that pushing you into a situation - drawing on feelings of guilt and obligation - where you are trying to care for a parent with mental health and addiction issues, which no-one (including your father himself) has managed to get a handle on for many, many years, is at all good for you. In fact, when you think of it in terms of a situation that no-one else has managed successfully over many, many years, you can see how damaging (and almost certainly futile) it's going to be.

The situation sounds very damaged, damaging and entrenched. You are very unlikely to be the person that can 'save' or help him. Which means that any contact you have with him will be on those terms: being there whilst he continues a pattern of destructive behaviour. Any contact you thought about having him would have to be done with that clearly in view.

It seems pretty clear that your mother hasn't quite reached the point where she can see that. I suspect she's not at the point where she can see that what she is suggesting is actually urging her daughter into a very draining, destructive, damaging situation.

It's probably very sad that your mother can't see that yet.

Perhaps it's fear - she worries that she feels compelled to 'help' and can't see how she can do that by herself. Perhaps she worries that you might feel guilt later, if you don't have some sort of contact now.

If the situation is as bad as you say, it would probably end in some form of NC or low contact anyway. Personally, I think you should heed your boundaries but try and talk to your mother about why she is pushing you to have contact with your father. If that looks as though it's going to end in conflict with your mother, though, stop discussing it?

It sounds like a horrible situation.

Bunbunbunny · 07/03/2018 02:58

I believe my mother has MH issues, I am NC with her as she cut me off initially & in the last few years I’ve realised she wasn’t a mum to me. I never got maternal love from her & her actions towards me have been cruel & it was emotional abuse. She should have got help years ago & I can’t forgive her for the pain she’s put me through as it’s affected my own MH. To the point I feel like a fraud that I don’t deserve the life I have, I struggle to take praise.

Abuse can never be justified, it can be explained to an extent but MH will never make abuse right. Your DM has no right to tell you that you are in the wrong, you are the child not the parent. You are not responsible for your DF MH or his choices only he can do that. Your DM is a cheeky fucker, tell her if she feels guilt towards your DH & his situation to deal with herself & not project it into you. There is a really good thread in relationships about parents & it would be worth you having a look on there as you’re not the first & wont be the last to go through something like this

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