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AIBU?

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Original poster

To suspend his contact with his daughter ?

35 replies

sorryghadtochangeuser · 05/03/2018 13:36

My dd's father has anger issues . I left him because of Them he was abusive to me despite seeking counselling for his anger .

His relationship has been on and off with our dd now 8 . On occasion he has lost his temper and scared her so much she hasn't wanted to see him and contact has been suspended and then gradually built back up

He pays zero maintenance, has nothing to do with her hobbies or schooling and has never taken her on holiday .

He sees her EOW at best and cancels weekends whenever he has something on .

He is banned from my house as he is so abusive to me . So I usually meet him elsewhere for hand over

Our last handover he started screaming obscenities At me in the street un provoked in front of our DD

Since I have cut all his contact . It has now reached the point he is contacting his parents and sending me abusive texts making out it wasn't a big deal and was aimed at me rather than our DD and how he is worried about my DD's safety because I am a narcissistic parent . Obviously he is the victim in all of his this

I don't know what to do . I don't think dd should be around him at all

We have no official contact order in place it was a private arrangement.

Am I u reasonable for cutting his contact to protect her? He has been like this for 6 years since I left him

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/03/2018 13:38

You're completely right to cut contact with him

It might be worth talking to a solicitor

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 05/03/2018 13:45

He says I am damaging our dd and she will hate me when she grows up a bit

I have spoken to a lawyer but they were not Much help as we don't have an official order in place

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh · 05/03/2018 13:47

What does your dd think?

Lizzie48 · 05/03/2018 13:47

I agree that you should cut contact altogether, it's very damaging for your DD to witness his treatment of you. And you can't know that he won't become abusive to her in time. But you will need for him to suddenly decide he's desperate to be a father and take you to court. You need to get legal advice yourself.

Shedmicehugh · 05/03/2018 13:49

If you are in the UK go to a solicitor. They can send him a letter setting out what you’ve said and advise him to go to court if he was access.

Shedmicehugh · 05/03/2018 13:50

wants not was

megletthesecond · 05/03/2018 13:51

Yanbu.

You need to go via a solicitor, women's aid or contact centre. I was in a similar situation and put my foot down, xp wouldn't attend the contact centre and he walked out of the mediation meeting Hmm.

Jenkicksass · 05/03/2018 13:51

You need to protect your child, i think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Is there a reason why you haven't got an official order in place? Sounds like if you are worried he needs supervised contact to ensure your DD is safe, especially if he has history of being abusive to you, and now to her too. Stay strong and don't let him bully you into doing something that you're not comfortable with.

poobumwee · 05/03/2018 13:53

Agree you need to do the right thing and keep your DD safe. Not sure what steps you have to take. Presumably legal advice? Would SS help?

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 14:08

I would keep all the abusive messages and texts as evidence for the future. As contact is not court ordered, I would leave it. Your dd is 8, she probably has the measure of her father.

Lovemusic33 · 05/03/2018 14:09

Cut contact, keep any abusive texts he sends you, these could be used against him if he takes you to court for contact. Keep your dd safe and possibly talk to SS.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2018 14:09

Has this prick got enough money to hire a solicitor? If not, I wouldn't worry about him taking you to court: men like this often prefer to try bullying and intimidation rather than the law to get their own way.

Even if it does go to court, you should be able to insist on supervised contact only because of his aggression and unacceptable behaviour to both DD and you - and it's also possible to drag the process out and be obstructive until he gives up and fucks off.

And, if he does take you to court, set the CSA on him for maintenance. He needs putting in his place, by the sound of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 14:09

I would not be suggesting court to him, you don't want to go through the courts if you have to, as they will probably order contact despite him being abusive. He can find it out himself.

FranticallyPeaceful · 05/03/2018 14:12

It will do her more harm than good by being in contact with somebody like him. You’d be doing the right thing by stopping contact imo.
I’m unsure what you’d have to do, maybe phone Citizens advice? I think that would be the best plan, they will let you know exactly what to do then

FranticallyPeaceful · 05/03/2018 14:13

And as PP said, log everything he does and has done

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 14:13

You need to keep a diary. Print off emails +texts.
And keep your dd at home.
Maybe worth speaking to school. They can't stop him if he tries to remove dd but they can stall him til you get there. Seek legal advice. Report all threats to the police.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2018 14:21

What Aeroflot said. Without a court order you can stop contact if you wish. With a court order you cannot unless you go back to court and ask to have the order amended. And there's no guarantee you'll get your wish. So you may be better off letting that particular sleeping dog lie.

But that doesn't mean you can't pursue a non-mol order to stop him from harassing you and your family. Look into it.

Is he on her BC or does he have established PR? The reason I ask is that if he does NOT then he has no legal rights over the child. If he DOES then the only concern would be that he might pick the child up from school and keep her. Absent a court order setting primary residence out, both parents are legally entitled to keep the child and the other parent can't do anything about it. That might be a valid reason to see a solicitor and set things out legally.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 05/03/2018 14:21

April if the father has parental rights, the school cannot stall him to wait for the mother to arrive.

Flutterbyeee · 05/03/2018 14:23

I went to court as had enough of dealing with his steroid induced rage every time he came to my home. The judge went with him saying "how can he learn to be a father if he is supervised?" Five years later and still putting up with his bullying. I was gobsmacked by how little I was supported. He used racial insults towards me in front if his children and was advised to "accept people have different views when it comes to race." Would never return to court.

Hissy · 05/03/2018 14:24

He says I am damaging our dd and she will hate me when she grows up a bit

Classic projection... ^ this is what contact with HIM will do

If this man is too abusive for you - a fully grown woman - to handle, what chance does an 8yo girl stand?

Fast forward to the teens when she gets one of those things called 'An Opinion'

you think he won't go off the deep end with her?

of course he will.

Cut him out of your lives for good. Keep all proof of his abuse of you and IF he bothers his arse to take you to court, show them what you're subjected to

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 14:28

I agree, I would keep away from courts if you can, my friend had an abusive ex, he raped her, abused her physically and emotionally, the same with her son. He took her to court, and she was dealt a lot of shit by them, and screwed over by the court system. Who basically told her that her ds had to have contact with his abusive dad, despite evidence of being abusive to her, and he was abusive in court. If she did not comply with contact, judge could reverse the residency, so she is held ransdsom by the courts. This is quite common, not only her, but others have had the same experiences.

That is why I would be in no hurry to suggest court to your ex, you don't want another stick for him to beat you with, let him find out himself. Like others have said, Police, CAB, woman's Aid, or a local charity for Abused women.

YetAnotherUser · 05/03/2018 14:28

Contact Childrens Services about his abusive behaviour. If he is of a mind to take things to court, you can then fill out the box on the C1A form that says you've reported your concerns.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/03/2018 14:30

He's worried about her safety?

Excuse me while I howl with laughter.

Soooo.... it's fine for this prick to scare his little daugheter so much contact has to be built back up. It's fine for him to fit her in when he likes, and drop her when he has more important stuff to do. It's fine for her to see him scream and threaten her mother in the street - to be so unhinged in front of her that she sees her own father, a person she is supposed to feel confident and safe with, act like something out of a horror film.

But if you take charge and say that she shouldn't be exposed to all that, then you're 'narcissistic' and unsafe?

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

No, she shouldn't see him. At all, ever. Be very clear about what she is learning here, your little 8 year old: she is learning that men who rant, rave, threaten and frighten her should still be allowed in her life, and that's fine. She's learning that men who are supposed to love her, and say that they love her, can also be unpredictable, scary, frighten and hurt her - and that's what you should expect, really.

Contact with a 'dad' like this is simply training her up to accept abusive relationships of her own.

Cut him off. Tell him to see a solicitor if he wants access, because you are at the end of the road. And if he wqants to go down that route, the next step will be court and either no access for him OR a defined contact order which would mean that the moment he decides he can't be arsed on a Saturday after all, as per usual, he'd be in breach of the order and you'd refuse access and he'd have basically wasted his money. Oh and while we're at it - if he wants to get a solicitor that would be great thanks as you've been thinking for a while that you should get maintenance sorted...

Keep every abusive text, and write accounts of everything he has done. Tell him you've done so and, bring it on if he fancies court.

Hopefully you might have seen the last of him!

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 14:33

Well my dc school agreed to following facts I gave them regarding fears for their safety.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 14:34

Fizz, that is what a narcessistic, abuser does. They turn it around to make it about them, and control the situation. I am in no doubt that this prick would use the court system to extend his control and abuse, to his dd and op.

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