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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I have to leave my job if I want another child (mental health issues)?

33 replies

Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 09:34

I'm on medication for situation-specific anxiety and social phobia. These only affect me in a work setting. I didn't need anything when I was a SAHM.

I had a long break away from work with my first child and really struggled to return, for anxiety and confidence reasons. I've only been back a year now. I love my job (except for some periods of high pressure), but I couldn't do it without medication.

Problem is, DH and I want another baby. I could't take these drugs if I got pregnant. I know some people take medication during pregnancy but I don't think I would be able to.

If I leave my job because I can't take medication, that'll be another long break on my CV. (It's not about the money as I don't earn much anyway and DH is happy to support the family.) And what the hell would I tell my boss? 'I can't work because I'm pregnant and I'm basically a nervous wreck without drugs'? She will lose all respect for me and would probably never give me another contract.

I have to choose between another baby and my job, don't I?

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Bambamber · 05/03/2018 09:39

I think before making any decisions it's probably worth speaking to your GP about pre conception care. They should be able to work with you to find medication safe in pregnancy that works for you and discuss your options with you. Only after that discussion would I consider what to to about working

CotswoldStrife · 05/03/2018 09:39

If you are sure that the anxiety is job-related, surely a different job is the answer here?

CampariSpritz · 05/03/2018 09:40

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this. If you did decide to leave your job, you don’t have to give reasons to your boss: your health is your business. You could simply infer that you want to concentrate on your pregnancy as you had a difficult pregnancy last time but you would like to keep in touch for future opportunities. Best of luck.

Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 09:58

Bambamber I asked my GP and she said I might be able to take something for my anxiety, but not the beta-blocker that I take for public speaking and big meetings. And that's the main issue for me.

Cotswold One of my issues is a severe phobia of speaking in meetings and doing presentations. These are just normal things you have to do in any job. I'm the problem, not the job.

Campari Thank you for your answer. I don't know if she would just accept me saying that I wanted to quit because I was pregnant though. She would probably ask me if there were any adjustments she could do. And then I'd have to tell her. She knows I have a phobia of doing big presentations but she doesn't know that I feel the same about pretty much any group situation.

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Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 10:07

I have a physical health condition as well. But I can't lie and blame that, can I? Or can I?

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Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 10:07

Could you try therapy? Is that affordable for you? Hypnosis based or similar?

Or could you avoid public speaking while pregnant?

The thing that would worry me would be that if anything did go wrong in your marriage you might be up shit creek financially.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 10:09

Could you consider retraining so that you did another job which didn’t involve these high anxiety situations? It seems pretty awful you’re putting yourself through this. Can you think of alternative careers which would take the pressure off?

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 05/03/2018 10:12

If you were my employee, I'd want you to be honest with me, as there are adjustments that can be made. The challenge with any MH problem is that when you're in it, it's very difficult to see the best way out. That's why asking for help is so difficult, but also important. I say this as someone with a current MH condition!!

Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 10:15

Elton

I've had both good and really awful experiences with hypnotherapy. It worked extremely well one time for a specific occasion. Then I tried again a few years ago and it didn't work at all, although I think that guy was a charlatan. There are so many of those in the alternative therapies business... Thing is, I've never heard anyone say it worked for them. All you see is anonymous reviews online.

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ittakes2 · 05/03/2018 10:17

Have you tried CBT?

RaindropsAndSparkles · 05/03/2018 10:18

Life is a co.promise for your overall happiness and well being. Retrain or find a pin money nob that doesn't make you anxious.

All you need to say to hour boss is "I am resigning because that is wbat I need to do at present for my family unit and our overall workife balance. Not even a lie.

Also we are all supposed to be working until we are 68 and portfolio careers between couples will become more the norm I'm sure.

Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 10:20

Could you consider retraining so that you did another job which didn’t involve these high anxiety situations?

They're not really high anxiety situations, though. Only if you have an irrational phobia of speaking in relatively low-key situations such a staff meetings, sometimes only with five people. So if I tried to find a job where I never had to do anything that made me anxious, that would just be extreme avoidance.

I have already retrained. This is my second career. I worked so hard to get here. I really don't want to give it up. (Only for a limited time, if I have to. But hell knows who will give me a job with such long career breaks.)

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SnowOnTheSeine · 05/03/2018 10:21

Talk to your GP first, there might be a solution for medicine during pregnancy. I couldn't carry on my normal migraine medicine for example, but we found an alternative that I could take.

Secondly, think about changing jobs. There are plenty of jobs which don't involve public speaking. There are plenty of people who absolutely hate speaking in public.

Winchester13 · 05/03/2018 10:24

Op I know how you feel. I also get extremely anxious when I have to do presentations or even talk in meetings, I hate it! I used to take propranolol for anxiety and panic attacks but stopped taking it while I was pregnant. Could you possibly change career to something less stressful for you? I left my nursing job because of high stress and feel anxious every day at work. But for now you and the baby’s health is priority. Good luck xx

Winchester13 · 05/03/2018 10:25

I am a teaching assistant now, lovely job :). I have a lot less anxiety.

Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 10:26

find a pin money job that doesn't make you anxious

I can't do that. I would feel pathetic if I had to hide from my phobia like that. I would hate myself. I know that's stupid but... I have issues.

It makes me feel so good that I can do all the things I'm capable of when I'm on medication. I can fulfil my potential. My parents always thought I was dumb and now I've got a really good education and a good (albeit low paid) job. I feel like I've conquered over my past. If I gave up it would be like admitting that, actually, I'm not cut out for success.

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Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 10:30

I really appreciate your answers, everyone. Thank you.

And I really don't mean any disrespect to anyone who has a job that doesn't involve public speaking. Like I said, I have issues.

ittakes2 I haven't tried CBT. I've had counselling and it didn't help one bit. I get more from talking to my DH.

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TheClacksAreDown · 05/03/2018 10:33

I think CBT might be really useful for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/03/2018 10:46

Is your GP sure about beta blockers not being compatible with pregnancy? I thought some were - although you might have to change which one you take.

I fully appreciate that you don't want to take meds through your pregnancy but if you don't want to give up your job either; it's logical to try.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 05/03/2018 10:53

What's your boss/manager like? I've had a member of staff speak to me about a very similar situation and I was able to make adjustments to accommodate. Eg not asked to speak unnecessarily, could out out of meetings where possible, I was 'on hand' to subtly step in if things got a bit much.... It wasn't that difficult actually (although this will of course depend on the job!) and it is more than worth it to retain a valuable worker

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 11:31

So if I tried to find a job where I never had to do anything that made me anxious, that would just be extreme avoidance.

Well, but perhaps not as extreme as having no job at all. Just off the top of my head things like gardening or tree surgery or decorating or editing?

FrogFairy · 05/03/2018 12:08

I would urge you to speak with your manager. Suffering from anxiety is not a dirty secret. They may be able to make adjustments for you, or perhaps you could have a different role for a while. If not well at least you have explored your options.

Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 12:32

What's your boss/manager like?

She's very tough but really conscious of doing the right thing and being a good employer. I may be able to speak to her. I just feel like my mask would fall off and she would never see me as competent and capable again.

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FranticallyPeaceful · 05/03/2018 12:36

Are they beta blockers for any chance? Like propranolol etc? Because you’ll find that you won’t need them over time, it just takes the plunge to come off them. My OH used to take them for public appearances and eventually your body starts to realise it can be calm in these situations and won’t need them anymore

Original poster
Primsgoat · 05/03/2018 12:47

Yes I take propranolol for big speaking engagements and smaller meetings, and I take citalopram everyday for anxiety.

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