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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't know how to help my son who is taking drugs

53 replies

FluffySlipperSocks · 04/03/2018 19:45

Have name changed. DS is 18. He's got pretty heavily into drugs. Cocaine, MDMA that I know of. I've tried and continue to try my best to get through to him. We generally have a good relationship. I thought we were fairly close but he has shut me out. Has been going on for sometime now. Breaks my heart.

Wondered if there is anyone who has been through the same with their kids or anyone who has taken drugs themselves. Any advice welcome. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you.

He's not in the place of wanting to change yet. I know I can't do it for him. Have got referrals for drug counselling for him previously but he's now not interested at all.

OP posts:

acquiesce · 04/03/2018 19:56

Hi so sorry you are going through this OP.
When you say he is into drugs, do you mean experimentation or addiction? Or somewhere in between?
Where I’m from, it was normal to take drugs recreationally in early adulthood (not every weekend however), everyone grew out of it by the time we all settled down though.
You say he is ‘heavily’ into it though so I’m guessing it’s more than that?
Is he living with you? Bringing it into your home? I would definitely be telling him that’s unacceptable if so, and if you suspect he’s dealing, even to friends then that’s another think entirely!
My DS is 2 and I recoil in horror at the worry I caused my mum growing up - for you!

pontiouspilates · 04/03/2018 20:00

In my late teens/ early twenties almost everyone I know took drugs; Ecstasy, cocaine, speed and acid were all regularly consumed. Thankfully, we all grew up to be upstanding members of society. I'm not saying that there are not risks and clearly not everyone gets to grow out of it unscathed, but you need to know if it's an addiction or more social/recreational. I dread my kids getting to the age where they can get up to half the things that I used to.

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 04/03/2018 20:02

Thank you. Yes would say it's definitely an addiction. Far more than every weekend. Will go off for days at a time. Has stolen before to fund the habit. He never used to be like this. I am not condoning or justifying his choices btw BUT this is what the addiction has done to him as a person. He's now got a criminal record because of the theft and he STILL continues on this path! He still has his room here but barely stays at home these days

OP posts:

FloppyDoodle · 04/03/2018 20:03

I was in your sons place a long time ago. I was in a bad place at the time and just didn't care what I did or the consequences of my actions. I come from a very loving and supportive family, but made some silly choices and fell in with the wrong people. I felt at the time that my family's concern was them trying to control my life, which in turn brought out my stubbornness and made me carry on doing drugs and basically not giving a shit.

My advice for you would be not to push your son as this may just push him further away, but let him know that you're always going to be there for him. I think the harder you push him to change, the less likely he will want to. I really hope that things turn out well for you both.

Please don't think of blaming yourself either
I hope this has helped

Atticusss · 04/03/2018 20:07

I took all the drugs and more you mention, recreationally (at least once a week-at one point most nights) for all of my late teens and 20's. As did all of my friends, all levels of education and background. I think it's pretty normal. I'm not excusing it, your description in the second post sounds extreme, but bare in mind that your extreme reaction could be pushing a reaction here. I think you need to maybe apologise for your strong reaction and suggestions of coinciding and rehab and guilt tripping and hope that helps to reduce it?

RainOnATinRoof · 04/03/2018 20:27

My family went through this with my brother, who has thankfully grown out of it.

I think the best approach is to keep your door open, but set boundaries. You NEED to have an extreme reaction against his behaviour, because he is already surrounded by people who normalise and encourage his drug use. You need to keep being the opposing force - his gateway back to normality.

But you also need to ensure you keep strong boundaries so his drug use has a minimal effect on your life, siblings etc ... don't get sucked in to being an enabler. If he has a criminal record at 18, it's already gone too far, and he lacks the ability to keep it recreational.

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 04/03/2018 21:03

Thank you all for your comments. They do help. Much appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 04/03/2018 23:16

Yes and am also having to ensure my other two children don't become aware of what's going on. It's tough at the moment

OP posts:

vampirethriller · 05/03/2018 09:17

Ten years ago I was in his situation. My parents didn't find out because they live in different countries and I didn't tell family. It only changed for me when I couldn't get hold of anything any more- I moved to another city, left the friends I had and deleted all contacts. Is something like that possible? It's a bit extreme yes but before that I would just go back to what I was doing. You're doing it right
Having something to focus on that wasn't drugs is a big part of getting out of it for me, too.

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 05/03/2018 12:39

Thank you. He's lost interest in everything else. Lost his job months ago too. He has tried to hide it from me but have found out.

OP posts:

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 05/03/2018 22:37

What prompted you to want to make that change?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 05/03/2018 22:42

A friend had this problem with her DS. She got a lot of help from a group set up in her area for parents/family of addicts - think they met up every couple of weeks or so. Might be worth looking if there is one near to where you live.

winterwarmers · 05/03/2018 22:43

@FluffySlipperSocks not me personally but my brother was heavily into drugs to the point he stole from us tore our family apart. he said what we wanted to hear eg i want to quit etc however it was just a cover as he did not want to quit.

this went on since he was 14 and it was the hard drugs wrong crowds (two he hung out with went to prison for murder) nothing made him want to quit. we didn't think he would be there to see 2016

He met a girl in summer 2016 and that changed his life and he quit drugs all of them however he developed seizures and now is prescribed one of the drugs he was addicted to.

NA (narcotics anonymous) really helped and getting involved in youth work helped too, encourage him to seek help before he experiments further as it's a horrible thing to live through

Afreshcuppateaplease · 05/03/2018 22:47

I took class a's from the age of 15 to 19

I didnt care about anyone or anything. At one point it would be 5 days a week and sleep the other 2.

I stopped because i fell pregnant

Ive never gone back and never will

I am now 30 with 4 dc, luckily it has done no lasting damage

BarbarianMum · 05/03/2018 22:55

Stop enabling him ie stop providing food and shelter whilst he dedicates himself and any money he can get hold of to getting high.

^^I don't think you've reached this point yet but unfortunately I think you will.

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 05/03/2018 23:00

Thank you all so much. I feel less alone now. It's not the kind of thing that i can talk to just anyone about :/

OP posts:

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 05/03/2018 23:06

Thank you Leeds2. I'll look into some local groups

OP posts:

ParkheadParadise · 05/03/2018 23:16

@FluffySlipperSocks I've been where you are now, its awful. Personally I found that until my dd wanted to change ever thing I done to try and help her was pointless. I joined a support group local to me for parents and partner's it actually helped me cope.

Drug use is a nightmare for all involved Take Care.

TooManyMiles · 05/03/2018 23:20

Look after yourself and lead your life as well, because for some reason it will help him too if you do that. You must be beside yourself with worry though

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 05/03/2018 23:32

Thanks so much. Yes am struggling with the fear of the damage hes doing to himself.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 06/03/2018 08:52

I wasnt sure whether to post here.
I tried so hard to help my son but it ended badly.
Things I wish I had done:
Told people. He might have listened to someone else.
Told the police.
I found the GP, drug abuse and mental health services and the crisis team all absolutely useless. They wouldn't speak to me at all, even when he asked me to ring on his behalf.
My friend's son was stealing to fund his habit. He was sentenced to rehab rather than prison and that turned things round.
I am so sorry for you and your family.

ShatnersWig · 06/03/2018 09:00

It always amazes when on MN I see so many people say they and pretty much all of their friends did drugs when they were younger and say "it's normal" because I don't recognise that at all. I'm obviously not saying I doubt these posters but I'm 44 and none of my friendship group at that time, which was fairly large and we socialised all the time, did drugs in their teens or 20s. Hell, only one of us was a smoker and most of us never ever tried! I know a couple of people of my age that I've become friends with over the last 10-15 years who used to smoke weed at that time, but none of them every anything harder.

Original poster

FluffySlipperSocks · 06/03/2018 10:32

endofthelinefinally so sorry to hear that. Thank you for posting. It's very useful to hear and I do appreciate it.

OP posts:

Yukbuck · 06/03/2018 12:33

Shatners. I'm so happy you said that because I completely agree with you.. and I think when people say 'I did drugs as.a youngster and I came out of it fine' and 'it's totally common' just normalised something. Drugs are illegal and are so for a reason. Stop normalizing them. I have been to uni and have moved to another big city. I know a handful of people who do/ did drugs. There are plenty of people who can go through life without trying drugs.
Op . I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be so tough. We had a similar issue with a family member who got into a lot of trouble with drugs. He then met a lovely girl and completely changed. Unfortunately I think it takes time and the person needs to want to change. I'd advise talking to as many people as you can..talking helps. You never know who he might listen to.

ShackUp · 06/03/2018 13:06

shatner unfortunately there's quite a fine line between the right and wrong crowds. My friends from sixth form are very straight-laced, as are most of my uni friends. Unfortunately I met the 'cool' group at uni through a boyfriend and this led me down the 'clubbing' path for a while. It happens so easily.

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