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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the final straw was for you?

59 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 04/03/2018 19:14

Aibu to ask what finally ended your relationship with your partner?

My DP is behaving, frankly, like a total cunt and the toxic atmosphere at home is unbearable. We literally can’t be in the same room & hold a civilised conversation and I am SO tired and worn out. I feel like the joy has been sucked from my life.

What ended it for you?

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 04/03/2018 20:18

Flowers Turnip. When one of my DC saw the extent of his stalking skills

Lojama75 · 04/03/2018 20:23

When he said to our children 'Your mothers a cunt' (I refused to have sex with the stinking alcoholic)
The kids were 6 and 8.

Selfsestructactive · 04/03/2018 20:24

When he took a Job abroad for a few months... The space mafe me see it was 10 times easier alone than with his drunken compulsive lying Arse... He had gone To make money for us, and spent it all enjoying his freedom too. Ds deserves better in a father and dh is the role model for him despite seeing his dad regularly. That says a lot really

PoppyCherry · 04/03/2018 20:25

When, after 5 years of trying to convince myself that every long term relationship involved arguments and being shouted at and constant compromise (on my part), I spent a few days away from home with work and bought/read this book

It has about 50 questions that you answer. Like... “is there anyone who, if they gave you permission to leave, would make it easier for you to go”

I got to the end of the penultimate chapter having answered about half the questions ‘yes’ and half the questions ‘no’.... and thinking, “well that was no help at all”

Then, I read the last chapter. It was a fucking revelation.

I left him 48 hours later and have never regretted it for so much as one day.

Avasarala · 04/03/2018 20:27

An argument over a radio show. I listen to a lot of radio shows (news quiz, museum of curiosity, Unbelievable truth - stuff like that) and if I ever had one on in the house and he came in, he'd just start on and on about how "no one listens to the radio" "it's boring, there's nothing to watch, it's like a subtitled movie, pointless" and it was the final nail in the coffin when I suggested he listen to one part of a show because it was about something he had really enthusiastically told me about the week before and I thought he'd enjoy it and he went mad. I just made the suggestion in passing so I didn't sit him down and say "listen" but he went off at me because he "wasnt as pathetic as me so had no need to listen to a show when he could watch tv". That was the end of us. There were lots of other little things and it all added up to that...

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/03/2018 20:33

I'd just been discharged from hospital after caesarian. Did not get any help with our newborn, making food, doing chores. I remember having to bend down to get wet laundry into the dryer whilst he just watched. This was two days post-op. He also called me a bitch. Can't remember why. He was so selfish, abusive and vicious. I told him to leave and he left the next day. Other stuff went on in that relationship, which I prefer to forget.
I shed not one tear when he left!
I raised my dd alone (with no contact or maintenancee from him at all) and I wouldn't change it. Best decision I ever made.:)

CanIhavedessertfirst · 04/03/2018 20:37

Dh is my second marriage. I left xh 4 months into the marriage, which was after 3 years together. He'd been hitting me for months, but - in my naivety - I thought the marriage would show him I was commited to him and the abuse would stop. I eventually left him after he pinned me down on the sofa and threatened to rape me and then go to my nan's and do the same to her (she brought me up and we were super close). He never did, but that was the turning point for me.

Fromage · 04/03/2018 20:37

Timeforachange2018 there doesn't have to be a final straw. If you feel there needs to be one, let it be 'when I started a thread on the internet about leaving him.'

DisneySenior · 04/03/2018 20:38

I should have left back in 2010 but I put up with everything you could think of until 2017. I stopped loving him the day dd2 was born. I went into labour late at night, he was in the pub and refused to come home because he was playing pool and working the next day. My sister took me. Next day he turned up several hours after the birth, stayed for half an hour then fucked off back to the pub again and left me to get a taxi home with newborn dd hours after giving birth. Not only that, he had taken my purse out my bag in the hospital so he could fund his night out leaving me to take a 15 mile detour in the taxi so I could get my bank card to pay for it. The taxi driver was lovely, helped me into the house and made me a cup of tea. Arsehole turned up early hours of the morning pissed wondering why i was so upset and not up for sex. I was absolutely heartbroken. Stayed for another 4 years and one night I took a friend to pick up his new car. He threw dd1 (7yo,not his bio) out the house told her he wasn't looking after her cos he wasn't her dad and left her wandering until a friend found her and phoned me. I went home very upset to find him fuming with me for taking a male friend to pick up a car and he hammered me, choked me and threatened to kill me in front of an already upset 7yo and 3yo. My neighbours phoned the police when they heard me screaming and he was arrested. I took the opportunity to get away, he was given a £100 fine in court. Absolutely disgusting but its over now and I never have to deal with him again. He is now engaged and living happily ever after and it makes me feel sick.

I will never allow myself to be treated so badly ever again. That is only the tip of what that bastard put me through. Countless cheating and he took me for every penny. I hate him.

Fraggledup · 04/03/2018 20:40

When he told me that my 14 (only 2 weeks over 13) virgin self had an "affair" and I wasn't abused by the 28 year old man whose child I babysat, that took my virginity and groomed me. Although it took a long time for me to leave.

PutUpWithRain · 04/03/2018 20:48

Long back story obviously, but when his bail conditions meant he couldn't contact me or the DC. After ten days I realised I didn't miss him at all, and neither did DD. I have never regretted ending things between us, after 16yrs together. It's not been easy since, but it would have been harder to stay with him.

Iooselipssinkships · 04/03/2018 20:49

When the police arrested him for a second time due to his abuse. This time it was for attempted murder after handing himself in. I'd run off in nothing but pyjamas and was declared missing by police, running down that street was when I knew I could never go back.
Next time I saw him was in Court.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 04/03/2018 20:53

It was when I found out he'd cheated while I was pregnant. It was such a painful cliche. I rode it out and we carried on for a while longer but once DS1 was born it hit me that I was going to spend my first weeks and months as a Mother with someone who couldn't and wouldn't put us first. I think I did my grieving way before we ended things, so that by the time I called it a day he was blindsided, thinking it was all ok.

The thing is we could have gone on and stayed together a few more years. But I never trusted him after that. I never believed a word he said. I never felt able to give him any of me again. Even now 12 years on the guilt that goes with destroying DS1's family hasn't ever really gone.

Raffles1981 · 04/03/2018 20:55

After years of mental abuse, him gas lighting me in so many ways - the final straw was when my brother died suddenly. I realised life was too short. I needed to live. Relief is too small a word to describe how good it felt to leave such a toxic man.

Turnocks34 · 04/03/2018 21:01

When I Realised I was in love with my OH. I had been with my ex for about 5 years. Not a great relationship, not abusive, just immature really and we were so different. I just slowly started falling out of love with him until one day, the thought of touching him repulsed me. I used to go to bed at 8pm so we didn't have to have sex. My OH had been my best male friend for a long time, and along side falling out of love with my ex I just slowly started to fall in love with my OH. I'd replay conversations we'd had in my head, I'd smile when he text me, get butterfly's when we were going to meet at uni, started fantasising about him etc. Then one day on a night out wth all of our mutual friends (not my ex we had no mutual friends) we were laughing about something and I just had this massive, massive urge to kiss him. I didn't, but I made my excuses, went home and broke up with my ex immediately. OH told me pretty much immediately he was glad and he was in love with me.

ClareB83 · 04/03/2018 21:02

The stories of abuse in here are horrific. I'm so sorry for those of you who had to go through that before you could leave.

Mine was much more mundane - when he walked out over a petty argument and I realised that although I could fix things by leaving it a couple of days, forgiving/reassuring him that it would always be me that did this and I didn't want to be solely responsible for holding our relationship together.

Mummabeargrr · 04/03/2018 21:09

When after 4 months of being so ill that even at my DD and DS sports day I couldn't stand up and had to lay with my head on the ground crying, after days of tests and MRI he wasn't there for one one of them to help with 3 x DC on being 1 year old, I asked him one weekend if he could help me with the kids was shouted at 'this is my fucking weekend, I don't come here to help you clean up after your shit' I thought what the hell am I doing?? Had an operation a week later to repair the tear in my spine, had to discharge myself an hour after as had no help with kids. Didn't need him never have never will.

Niceandwarmandhot · 04/03/2018 21:13

When he was out snogging someone whilst I was at my mother's funeral.

When I found out and took him to task about it, he told me to "stop milking" my mother's death. It had been a week.

sadly it limped on for a bit after that as I was shell shocked and lacking in confidence, but that was the killer blow (despite him having hit me and slept with someone else on previous occasions).

Sarahh2014 · 04/03/2018 21:21

When I started messaging other men after years and years of sexless marriage.I thought there is more to life than this id even convinced myself I had no sex drive when in reality it was because we didn't fancy each other

Rosamund1 · 04/03/2018 21:38

It should have been when he shoved me while I was holding the baby. In the end it was when he dragged me down the strairs by my feet. My back was scraped raw. I thought, I could have died just then or been paralysed. I left with nothing.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 04/03/2018 21:44

I remember years before I left my x (unfortunately pregnant though) some exam results came in the post. They were for 1234 Arcacia AVenue instead of 1234 Arcacia Road iyswim. I said I would walk around to their house with them. He tried to take them from me and put them in the bin.

Cleanermaidcook · 04/03/2018 21:44

I went to uni when I was 30. I showed him my first essay, i was so pleased to have done it, first academic work I'd done in years, he showed no interest, literally wouldn't read it, felt like I'd been slapped, that was it after that, took me another year to leave though.

darkriver198868 · 04/03/2018 21:51

When I asked him to feed his ten month daughter and he did it so roughly and he forced the bottle into her mouth. End of the road for me him.

Lucyccfc · 04/03/2018 21:56

My final straw was him stealing £400 that I had saved to get some fencing done in the garden to make it safe for DS. I stupidly drew it out of the bank and left it in the kitchen. Next morning it was gone - he put it on 1 bet in the bookies and lost it.

Thank god for separate bank accounts or he'd no doubt have cleared that out too.

MerryShitmas · 04/03/2018 22:04

I just... stopped caring.
It sounds harsh but after 5 years together (4 of which were horrificly abusive in every way) one day I was just looking at him and thought... I don't care. I don't love you and if you got hit by a bus tomorrow I wouldn't shed a tear.
I packed a bag that day and went to my mums. I don't know what caused that lightbulb to turn on but I'm glad it did

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