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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SILs expectations of a perfect life

44 replies

Doryismyname · 04/03/2018 18:03

DB popped in today, seemed a bit stressed says his wife wants to do another extension on their house. They did a big remortgage two years to fully renovate and extend the house and create the perfect home, which is show house amazing with more than enough room for their family. SIL is a real perfectionist about everything from her DCs to her home and DB is under huge pressure to finance this perfect life she wants. He is gutted that despite everything they have worked hard for she is still not satisfied and feels their home is ‘not up to scratch’. DB says they cannot afford it but I suspect she will probably convince him otherwise.

He already works incredibly hard, long hours in a stressful job spending time away from his DC which I know he hates. SIL has suggested that he could work more or try to get a better job so they can afford what she wants. She works PT and has no plans to work more hours in fact she has expressed a desire to stop working.

I realise that DB has to stand up for himself but AIBU to think SIL is being selfish to put her DH under this pressure in pursuit of the perfect life?

OP posts:

DeathStare · 04/03/2018 18:12

If he hasn't told her that this isn't what he wants or the work-life balance that he wants, then I don't think she can be accused of being selfish. She's not psychic.

Encourage your DB to be honest with her, but apart from that stay out of ir.

Original poster

Doryismyname · 05/03/2018 07:05

He has tried to tell her but she just goes on and on until she gets what she wants.

OP posts:

Lucisky · 05/03/2018 08:08

Of course it worries you, but realistically there is nothing you can do; it's not your life or your house. If it is as you say, something will hit the fan eventually and either your brother will put his foot down or your sil will stop her demands. I would feign disinterest and keep well on the sidelines.

Ladybird11 · 05/03/2018 08:18

But she doesn't go on and on until she gets what she wants.. she goes on and on until he gives in.. subtly but significantly different. He needs to stand up to her.

KimmySchmidt1 · 05/03/2018 08:30

Your advice needs to be that marriages fail when people aren’t honest about what they want and how they feel. He needs to tell her he can’t afford it AND tell her that she is being unfair to keep trying to get him to work harder and in diffeeent jobs so she can have more material things.

I have a friend who is like her and her partner left her rather than tell her the truth - that he found her desperate need to keep buying things and beat the neighbours really ugly and he did not want to be a slave to her competitive materialism.

So if he wants to avoid ending up divorced because he can’t stand it any more he needs to gently tell her the truth.

MarthasGinYard · 05/03/2018 08:34

Your dB needs to start being honest

Firesuit · 05/03/2018 08:51

I agree nothing will change unless he does something different. But I doubt him telling her will have any effect. It doesn't sound like his happiness is anywhere on her list of priorities.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2018 08:52

If he doesn’t do something, their marriage is doomed or they will go bankrupt. Her attitude is going to make their marriage very unhappy and stressed. It sounds as though she has a need inside her, which will never be fulfilled by material objects. I think any money now would be better spent on therapy than the house.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2018 08:54

Ah! I have a SIL like that. She has 'trained' BIL relentessly over the last 30 years. They have an immaculate home, exotic beach holidays and now?

Well, she now finds him boring and they live apart in that immaculate house. Neither can afford to buy the other out. They have no savings and she might go back to work full time (part time for the last 20 years, no kids!!).

Talk to your DB and try to persuade him that he needs to stand up for what he wants and that this is how a marriage is supposed to work - 2 people and compromise where necessary!

snewsname · 05/03/2018 08:54

He needs to communicate enough is enough and ride out the flack that follows, however bad that gets.

RemainOptimistic · 05/03/2018 08:55

DB could suggest therapy.

SiL behaviour not reflecting a happy or healthy mental state.

Sarsparella · 05/03/2018 08:56

He needs to be more honest - they can’t afford it, don’t need it & if she’s that bothered she should start working more hours to finance it

PoorYorick · 05/03/2018 09:00

He needs to not give in to her going on and on.

Mrsmadevans · 05/03/2018 09:01

He has to stand up to her OP . You can talk with him about it but inevitably it is him who has to do this.

whiskyowl · 05/03/2018 09:04

He needs to learn to say no. I understand this is difficult - it sounds as though there are elements of bullying going on. Perhaps the solution is for him to stand firm and suggest that she finances the changes by getting a better job?!

Chanelprincess · 05/03/2018 09:22

She sounds selfish, self centred and ridiculous - good at spending other people's money but unwilling or incapable of contributing anything herself. It's his money and his choice how he spends it. They're clearly not equal partners in this relationship. My advice to your DB...get rid and find someone better.

DullAndOld · 05/03/2018 09:22

agree that SIL doesn't sound quite..well.
Your DB needs to man up and say no and encourage her to seek counselling.
Or the marriage is doomed tbh, your poor DB can't provide luxuries endlessly.
However do try to take a back seat..

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/03/2018 09:23

Might have know someone would suggest therapy - unless this was a wind up.
Since when is being selfish and entitled a condition that needs therapy? What the SiL needs is a metaphorical slap/good boot up the arse.
DB needs to keep repeating that they can't afford it. And to ignore any sulks - easier said than done though, I know.
Sounds as if SIL was a spoilt child and is carrying on the same way.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/03/2018 09:23

Some people are never satisfied. Your DB needs to sit down, face to face and tell her how he feels.

robynadair · 05/03/2018 09:27

A cautionary take for your SIL. My SIL is like that. Her relentless drive not to work, have horses, expensive 4x4s, a large perfect house in an expensive area of the countryside led to divorce and financial hardship although she can't see that. When they were running out of money, she very very reluctantly and with bad grace went back to work part time as a condition of my PIL bailing them out financially - again. BIL in law was working two jobs to keep them afloat as she refused to downsize, sell the houses and in fact bought another horse during this period as hers was elderly and lame. She couldn't possibly share her daughters horse! BIL met another woman whilst doing his second job, the lady was also working two jobs and he saw that life could be different. SIL has never seen that her behaviour was part of the break up. I'm not condoning the affair but he is very happy with new partner and has been for several years now. SIL refused to change life style after divorce, was subsidised by PIL and now that has dried up (FIL died, MIL in care home with dementia) and time has moved on (she's in her late 50s now) she is facing a very precarious future as the care home fees mean there will be little left to inherit, she got little from the divorce as they had remortgaged twice and had large debts, she has no pension etc and is the bitterest, most jealous unhappy person I know but still has an enormous sense of entitlement

beargrass · 05/03/2018 09:28

I feel for the OP here, and think if this were her sis working all hours while the DH were working PT, dropping hints about giving up work(!), yet still piling on pressure to spend all this money, the advice would be rather different.

OP I think you have to help him here. Does he want to do all this? If not, what does he think he should do? I'm sure you can help him and her to find a way forward - but agree you need to stay in the wings - or completely out of it so far as SIL is concerned.

TamaraDrankMyMilk · 05/03/2018 09:39

I would be wondering if she is like my friend who believes this next thing will make her happy, she gets that and then says no this next thing will make me happy and repeat.

I would be looking at the underlying causes as to what she hopes to achieve with this next thing that she didn't achieve with the extension/renovation. It would seem nothing will make her happy.

Motoko · 05/03/2018 09:44

You can support him, but it's him that needs to stand up to her.

On a practical note, if they've already extended the house, will they get planning permission to extend it further? Also, they need to be careful not to exceed the ceiling price for the road/area, or they won't be able to sell it in the future if the price is too high for where they live.

It sounds like she'll never be satisfied. Even if your brother gives in and they go ahead with it, once the shiny newness of it wears off, she'll be wanting something else, and the cycle will start all over again.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/03/2018 09:46

70/30 blame I think.

Main problem is her sense of "I want it but wont work for it" but also him giving in after she has gone on and on at him is an issue as she knows that eventually she will get her own way.

He needs, as PP have said, to sit down with her and say that enough is enough. They have a lovely home and if that isnt enough for her then she needs to get off her arse and pay for it herself. That he isnt prepared to put himself into more debt and under more stress for the sake of a bigger kitchen and downstairs bog. It will never be enough for her, and I suspect that there is probably something underlying her need for more. I wonder if she has low self esteem and gets her confidence from appearing to have this perfect life.

I think couples counselling would be a good idea.

MySockIsWetAgain · 05/03/2018 09:48

If she wants more money could perhaps... SHE get (another) job?

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