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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SILs expectations of a perfect life

44 replies

Doryismyname · 04/03/2018 18:03

DB popped in today, seemed a bit stressed says his wife wants to do another extension on their house. They did a big remortgage two years to fully renovate and extend the house and create the perfect home, which is show house amazing with more than enough room for their family. SIL is a real perfectionist about everything from her DCs to her home and DB is under huge pressure to finance this perfect life she wants. He is gutted that despite everything they have worked hard for she is still not satisfied and feels their home is ‘not up to scratch’. DB says they cannot afford it but I suspect she will probably convince him otherwise.

He already works incredibly hard, long hours in a stressful job spending time away from his DC which I know he hates. SIL has suggested that he could work more or try to get a better job so they can afford what she wants. She works PT and has no plans to work more hours in fact she has expressed a desire to stop working.

I realise that DB has to stand up for himself but AIBU to think SIL is being selfish to put her DH under this pressure in pursuit of the perfect life?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/03/2018 09:48

All you can do is support your DB so he doesn't have a breakdown under the relentless pressure.

My answer would be to her if I were your DB would be - if you want more then you have to earn more as I am not prepared to sacrifice anymore of my life.

However, that is easy to type but harder to do. She will destroy her marriage at this rate and all you can do is support your DB to make sure she doesn't destroy him in the process.

Notasunnybunny · 05/03/2018 09:51

He should ride it out until he can’t take it anymore then sit her down and look at a financial plan that can afford her what she wants, including how much the full time job she will need to get to cover it will need to pay to cover whatever child care they will need plus HER loan repayments. Just keep knocking the ball back into her court.

I say this as a sahm

senua · 05/03/2018 09:56

I realise that DB has to stand up for himself

How about phrasing it another way? DB has to stand up for the DC.
What sort of role models does he think that he and SIL are? It doesn't sound good.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/03/2018 10:03

If she is not happy with the house as it is shouldn't they move.

I have a friend who was given a council house at 18. She was married and pregnant at the time. She refuses to buy the place because of maintenance fees they would need to cover if they owned the house but every 18 months the whole house is redecorated from top to bottom including new kitchen new bathroom.

I secretly think it is a desire to move but she is stuck.

Could this be the case with sil.
Surely depending on where they live there is only so much you can spend on a place before or becomes overdone

Dipitydoda · 05/03/2018 10:04

Your DB needs to spell out in clear terms it’s not happening.whats more he will not be changing jobs or upping hours to finance her aspirations. I know quite a few women like this join a graduate intake at a law or accountancy firm etc spend the first few years spending as much time charming their years “most likely to make partner” bloke. Couple more years pursuing their career, dresses to the nines everyday at work to secure him and make sure no one else steals him. Obviously get married, have kids, give up work, want big house, private education, posh holidays, cars etc. Eventually bloke gets fed up of the constant nagging and being a meal ticket shags office junior (wife is usually doing something similar) live completely sepetate lives but keep up pretence until kids leave school. Acrimonious divorce. Both claim they’ve never been happier!

JoJoSM2 · 05/03/2018 10:14

Do they have shared finances? Aren't both of them aware of how much money they have etc? How do you know that your brother isn't underpaid for his role and her telling him to look at other options is perfectly reasonable?

Also, do you know the exact ins and outs of their income and spending? I think I have a slightly similar situation- amazing house that's way bigger that anyone could 'need' (and me driving the purchase and refurb) and DH who whinges a lot about the mortgage and cost of upkeep. However, the reality of the finances is that our mortgage is less that one year's income and we have enough savings to pay it off tomorrow if we wanted to. So without knowing the details of their finances, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. It could be that your SIL is unrealistic about money but it could be that your DB is a whinger.

In my opinion, you'd be most supportive just encouraging assertiveness, communication and honesty. If he doesn't feel he can speak to her or that listens, then perhaps therapy would be their best way forward.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 05/03/2018 10:17

You can't fix this. Only your brother can fix this, by saying no and meaning it.

Goldmandra · 05/03/2018 10:32

Since when is being selfish and entitled a condition that needs therapy?

Constantly trying to find ways to make yourself feel good by spending money could be a symptom of there being another unfulfilled need in her that she doesn't recognise. Counselling or therapy might help her to find what that gap is and recognise that spending money isn't the way to happiness.

OP, as well as getting your SIL to seek some counselling, your DB could also suggest that he would like to reduce his working hours so he can enjoy spending time with his family and the beautiful home he has worked so hard to provide. It may be that she would then feel happier with the status quo.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2018 10:36

Or they're just genuine Gen Jonesers!

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 10:40

He has tried to tell her but she just goes on and on until she gets what she wants

I think you mean until your brother gives in to her.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2018 10:48

It is one of those occasions when trying just isn't enough!

If he really wants to change things he has to do not try - a concept which my DH has long hated but finally understands, watching DSis drown under demands from our D F.

MatildaTheCat · 05/03/2018 11:21

He needs to understand that this extension won’t be the end of it. There is no end of it. New cars, private schools, expensive holidays and better clothes. She will continue to want all of these and more.

They need to talk.

Moominfan · 05/03/2018 11:24

I think Matilda is right. Once extension has been fitted it'll be something else

mrsrhodgilbert · 05/03/2018 11:31

I've known a couple just like this. Always wanting and getting the bigger house, better car, designer clothes and dc in private school. She didn't work and he worked seven days a week to maintain it. She was relentless in her demands and he was too weak and frightened of her to say no. Eventually the money ran out, huge debts, bankruptcy and she emptied the house one day and left with the children to a new man she had known for three months.

I thought we were close friends but we had no idea what was going on behind closed doors. Our friend is damaged ten years later and I feel bad for not realising and supporting him. Is your db being bullied, would he tell you?

Looking back they both had issues and were a bad combination but it was so toxic with three dc list in the middle. But it looked so perfect.

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 11:35

If he hasn't told her that this isn't what he wants or the work-life balance that he wants, then I don't think she can be accused of being selfish. She's not psychic.

Telling him, who already works long hours (according to the OP) to work even more hours while she works part time isn't selfish and you'd have to be psychic to think that it is? umm ok then

She sounds like a selfish princess to me

gamerchick · 05/03/2018 11:36

Sadly there’s nothing you can do. HE needs to stand up for himself, tell her honestly and firmly there isn’t enough money for what she wants and that she’s welcome to get a full time job herself if she wants more.

Time to shut that shit down.

JoJoSM2 · 05/03/2018 11:57

Trnity66, not everyone wants a 9-5. Some people do want to climb the career ladder, they achieve validation through climbing the career ladder, achieving status, power and earning loads. So yes, you would need to be psychic to know that the person changed their mind 15 years down the line and now want work-life balance and don't care about the things they'd been chasing for years.

FleetwoodSmack · 05/03/2018 12:07

AIBU to think SIL is being selfish to put her DH under this pressure in pursuit of the perfect life?

Well, yes, obviously, but the real poser here is why someone has such a depressingly impoverished imagination that she would consider a house extension the cornerstone the perfect life...?

Original poster

Doryismyname · 05/03/2018 20:18

Thanks all for your comments. It is difficult to watch this from the sidelines and I am very wary of interfering. I agree with PPs that SIL will never be satisfied because there is always going to be something else needed to keep up appearances. It’s pretty sad really, I just don’t understand how you could put someone you love under pressure and risk their health just to have a bigger house and more stuff

OP posts:

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