Will I ever come first?

[forveveroverlooked]

so it's mother's day but me and husband don't do mother fathers or Valentine's day as I don't see the point as long as we do things for each other now and again that show we care.
usually however for mothers and fathers day we will get the children to write a little card or make a little something which they love doing.
This morning however I realised my DH had forgotten but never mind the kids are young so I wasn't initially bothered.
So three days ago his parents and brothers came back after being away for 5 months and we bought an expensive welcome back cake for them as well as making them a massive dinner.
This morning after walking through Tesco and countless aisles of Easter eggs(including my favourite which I've been hinting at for weeks) and mothers days stuff he decides that we should get his family a couple boxes of chocolates and flowers when we pop round later and got quite flustered trying to pick what he thought they'd like.
AIBU to be annoyed that instead of thinking he should maybe get me a box of chocs for working on the meal yesterday or my fave easter egg that he's thinking about what else to get his parents?
So as not to drip feed, his parents are not particularly close to us, they prefer his brothers and their families it is blindingly obvious and we get overlooked all the time.
I was annoyed at him and made it clear and when we went to his parents just now, all they had brought their grandchildren was one broken wind up toy, and the thing my husband had asked them to bring back for him (which he gave them money for) they 'forgot'.
This stuff happens all the time and yet i still plaster a smile on my face and never say a word.
why does my husband bend over backwards for them when they quite obviouly couldn't give a shit.
I know I said I don't care about mother's day but why do I never factor into his thoughts
if I'm being a bitch tell me so

Forgot to add re Golden Child vs Black Sheep. Sometimes it's nothing that the Black Sheep has actually done. They get assigned the role of Black Sheep/Scapegoat for no apparent reason other than the family's need to have one.

I don't think you should make a martyr of yourself by going to see the gps every week when they've made it clear they don't like you/favour the other side of the family. Reduce your emotional stake with them. Don't hang around being put down by them.

If you feel your DH always puts his parents/extended family ahead of you and your dc, you need to have a conversation about that and have some changes made.

me and husband don't do mother fathers or Valentine's day as I don't see the point as long as we do things for each other now and again that show we care

Does he do that? He might have not have been brilliant on this notMother's Day, but is he generally a good egg and a nice guy?

To be slightly brutal, OP, but well meant(!) your thread title 'Will I ever come first? (with young kids, that's hard, to be honest )' and this This stuff happens all the time and yet i still plaster a smile on my face and never say a word is a bit martyr-ish.

If you want to change something in your relationship, talk to your DH properly about it. It's easy for even good, kind, loving people to become a bit complacent sometimes. It doesn't make them thoughtless fuckwits, either, we're all guilty of it at some point!

Awh OP. I know what you're saying! It used to be the one and only thing we agreed about. I had to really put my foot down one day and say that's it- I am either your wife AND priority or I'm not your priority AND I'm not your wife any more. You choose.

He had been quite mean though. He left me alone with severe HG while pregnant and begging for help because his mum wanted him to go over for a Chinese. I was admitted for more than a week 2 days later and taken from A&E by ambulance to a bigger hospital because I was too unstable to go by car.

He also invited his mum and her new boyfriend who I had never met to my EMCS birth!? All I remember is this bloke leaning over a bag of my urine hanging off the bed to shake my hand then I fell back asleep.

The last straw was a camping holiday his mum organised when the baby was 12 weeks old. He INSISTED we go to make his mum happy. It honestly nearly caused a divorce

thank you finally someone gets what I'm saying.

I don't want a present on mother's day for the last time!

no I didn't write a Valentine's day post

I've not had a falling out with his family they have never approved of me, apparently I'm too quiet but at the same time I stand up for myself far too much for thier liking, I'm too independent of my husband, I don't raise my children the right way, I don't wear the right clothes, I don't cook the right foods, the list is endless.

I see them every week because I want my children to have a relationship with them, I don't have a big family and never met any of my grandparents so I want them to be close to all their family.

My husband even went so far as to tell my eldest that his grandma would love him if he was to stay over at thier house (he is 6 and doesn't stay over at anyone's he has night terrors and panics at the thought of sleeping over anywhere).
This makes me fearful that he's trying to get my son to bend over backwards for thier affection as he evidently does too.

My point was just that I want him to think about me for once instead of chasing after his parents all the time. I don't like seeing him knocked back all the time, he's done nothing wrong but whenever we are at his parents he barely looks at me and barks at Mr rather than talk and then he's back to normal when we leave.

argued not agreed! Stupid phone!

Sounds like a toxic relationship between him and his parents - you really would be doing your dc a favour by keeping them out of it as much as possible rather than trying to make them build a strong relationship with them. They're not the bloody Waltons, they're dysfunctional - why are you trying to promote a fantasy of family life here?

I see them every week because I want my children to have a relationship with them, I don't have a big family and never met any of my grandparents so I want them to be close to all their family.

Ask yourself why you'd want your children to have a relationship with anyone who doesn't value you and their father. And who will at some point more than likely begin to say things in front of them that are derogatory about you and/or their father so that the child's respect for their parents is diminished. Or worse, try to poison the child's relationship with their parents to favour them and turn them against the parents.

My husband even went so far as to tell my eldest that his grandma would love him if he was to stay over at their house

This is HORRIBLE! Do you not see how damaging this is? Because of them, your DH is already teaching your son that love must be bought, that love is based on pleasing others rather than mutual respect and affection.

You really need to do something!

Op, no I don't think yabu to a degree. I would suggest you wrote a letter or talk to him and tell him that actually I'd like a little fuss now and again, not much just something. And if he fucks that up then he's just an insensitive twat really and needs a talking to.

I like a fuss I deserve one. Bring it on I say. Not Grabby as I fuss back just as hard. It matters to me therefore it's important.

I have talked to my husband about his family before but it falls on deaf ears.
I told my son that he doesn't need to do anything and that his grandma loves him already.
if I didn't go to see them weekly then I'd be accused of being the one stopping the kids having a relationship for no reason and also because I love my husband I want to get along with his parents for him.
I do stand up for myself with them and I certainly don't fight for their attention I'm civil and nice to them and genuine but they know they won't have me jumping through hoops which is probably another reason that they don't like me.

No one in your family needs to have a relationship with these horrid people. Not you, not your dh, and especially not your children.

Let dh go and see them if he wants, but step back from them yourself, and keep the children away from them. If dh objects, ask him if he really wants his children to grow up craving approval from people who never give it just like he has. At the very least, that might make him think.

YANBU, I get what you're saying.

Why are you bothering so much with his family, they sound horrible. Let him go see them and don't bother with them.

(So did he get anything for his mum if he thought it was Mother's Day today?)

It sounds like he's trying to buy his family's affection which is really sad for him.
Now that you know it isn't Mother's Day, you now have the chance to communicate with him and decide whether you either do want to celebrate it from now on, or not.

I think you need to decide whether you want to celebrate Mothers' Day or not, and if you do you need to tell him. If you have previously decided together not to celebrate these occasions you can't expect him to be a mind-reader and know that when you say you don't want to celebrate it, actually you do.

I don't want to celebrate mother's day!
I just want him to think about me the way he thinks about them for one day!
Be excited about getting something for me or do sonehtibg for me.

no he didn't get anything for mothers day as his family don't bother with it either. But then again he buys them things all the time which is fine by me its his money and his family and it's never over the top expensive.

one of the sister in laws who is by far the favourite, fawns all over them then when thyre oht of earshot bitcjes about them, my husband once tried to get me to behave the same way in front of them. I do NOT fawn over anyone and I am not fake to anyone or disingenuous in how I behave with people so suffice to say he's realised that I will never do that and has since not asked me to.

But forever, by being so accommodating and encouraging the relationship you're actually doing a disservice to your DH and (potentially) the children. Right now your words may be falling on deaf ears, but that's probably because your actions don't match them.

Jux is right.

And actions speak louder than words. You may be telling DS that love needn't be 'bought' but he is actually seeing his dad do just that!

I suggest you sit back for just a bit and really observe your DH, his family, the DC, and exactly how their interactions are 'working' for all of them. You may be unpleasantly surprised at what you see.

It's a big jump that if you don't take them weekly, you'll be accused of stopping the relationship. Not all dc see their gps weekly, that's unusual if anything. So where's this accusation going to be coming from - dh or the gps? Or both?

If you acknowledge, and I think you do, that the relationship your dh has with his parents is pretty effed up, you have to consider the damage that they will do to your dc - you're already having to run interference from the screwed up messages dh is passing on about pleasing them at all costs. You can "get along" with the gps without being tied into weekly visits (or you could if they were normal - the fact that you can't without it kicking off is the reason you shouldn't go as much).

Seriously, I'd think about moving away, getting DH out from under their thrall as much.

They have a go at DH at the fact that we only see them weekly, because the other daughter in laws speak to them daily on the phone and see them at least three times a week if not more (none of them ever go out with friends or have hobbies strangely so they have plenty of time and they fit in perfectly).
DH has tried to ask me to go over more often and he says that's why they're not as happy with me but again, kids have routines and activities, I have one hobby I do for two hours a week and I have friends and family who I see far less than i see them so I don't have the time to see them anymore than once a week even if I wanted to.

They all go out for family meals once every two months roughly and we're the only ones not invited and we get told that it's because 'you do your own thing so we do our own thing'. not that I'm complaining as it's my idea of a nightmare but just yo further explain how they treat us.

So what's your way forward? Keep your dc in their overbearing web?

I may have missed some of your posts - it's confusing with your namechange fail, it means your posts aren't highlighted.

I think you need to separate out your strained relationship with your in-laws, from the whole Mothers Day - 'do I want a gift or not?' question. Re the gift - it's pretty simple from where I'm sitting.... don't tell him one thing and then hope he'll ignore what you are telling him and do the opposite. Some people like having some fuss on these days, others are less bothered - rarely can one group understand the other - but that's not the point. The point is, you can hardly complain when he is doing what you have asked him to do / not do.

Separate from that is how much time you spend with in-laws going forwards. That is something you and he need to resolve together. No reason why he can't take the dc without you some of the time, for example.

You say you don't celebrate Mother's Day, Valentine's etc, the important thing is that you show each other you care at other times. Yet you also say that you just want him to put you first sometimes, which sounds like he doesn't show how much he cares, because he's putting his parents first all the time.

As others have said, it's because he's desperately trying to gain their approval. Until he sees the situation for what it is (and if he ever does), you will always come second to them.
You will either have to accept that, or leave.

Now, regarding your children, I agree with Jux and Across. You should not be trying to encourage a relationship between your DC and their GP, as it will damage them as it has your husband. You've said they don't treat your DC the same as the others, and they will notice that and get hurt. Not seeing their GP is better than having toxic GP.

Your DH will just have to deal with his parents shouting at him.

Oh, and did his parents give him back the money he gave them to buy the thing?

I get what you're saying.
But here's the thing - you've told us that your ILs prefer all of DH's siblings to him and do things for them but not for him.
Sounds like he is the family scapegoat, and that his parents have never had much time for him - so he's doing everything he can to attract their approval. This is something that doesn't "just go away", usually - it's a pattern set up from childhood. He may need counselling to get over it, or at least to read a few books about it to understand the family dynamics.

I think you should maybe sit down with him and have a discussion about your feelings of coming lower down the priority list than his parents - partly because he's on a zero-return journey with them, but also because clearly you DO mind about him not considering your needs or feelings. You have a week to get the idea in his head that you would like him to do something for Mother's Day for you, so give him the heads up.

But don't punish him for the situation with his parents - it's really not his fault, it's the dynamic he was brought up with and all he knows until he realises.

Look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to see why he tries so hard for their acceptance and love and hopefully you will be in a better position to understand why he does what he does.

yes motoko they gave him the money back, they're loaded so they're not trying to get money off him or anything.
Thank you thumbwitchesabroad that makes sense.
After reading through all of the replies, the helpful ones, I realise I've overreacted. it is probably due to me exploding from all the stuff they've done in the past rather than this one instance.
I am being too harsh on DH and you're right it's a learnt behaviour so he's not going to change overnight if at all.
I feel so sorry for him when I see him get all flustered over them and even the way he talks in front of them Is different, quieter and more hesitant.
He could tell a joke and they'd all roll their eyes or ignore him and one of the other siblings could say the exact same thing a minute later and they're in stitches!
I am more of a tough love and 'get over it and get on with it' kind of person but I guess he needs my support rather than one more person making him feel bad about himself.
As for the kids I'm not going to keep them away for grandparents, to be honest my eldest has already remarked on how he gets less than the other grandchildren so once they decide for themselves that they don't want to see them much then that's fine, I've done all I can. All the kids miss them if we don't go round so I'm sticking with the once a week for now.