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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will I ever come first?

74 replies

forveveroverlooked · 04/03/2018 14:18

so it's mother's day but me and husband don't do mother fathers or Valentine's day as I don't see the point as long as we do things for each other now and again that show we care.
usually however for mothers and fathers day we will get the children to write a little card or make a little something which they love doing.
This morning however I realised my DH had forgotten but never mind the kids are young so I wasn't initially bothered.
So three days ago his parents and brothers came back after being away for 5 months and we bought an expensive welcome back cake for them as well as making them a massive dinner.
This morning after walking through Tesco and countless aisles of Easter eggs(including my favourite which I've been hinting at for weeks) and mothers days stuff he decides that we should get his family a couple boxes of chocolates and flowers when we pop round later and got quite flustered trying to pick what he thought they'd like.
AIBU to be annoyed that instead of thinking he should maybe get me a box of chocs for working on the meal yesterday or my fave easter egg that he's thinking about what else to get his parents?
So as not to drip feed, his parents are not particularly close to us, they prefer his brothers and their families it is blindingly obvious and we get overlooked all the time.
I was annoyed at him and made it clear and when we went to his parents just now, all they had brought their grandchildren was one broken wind up toy, and the thing my husband had asked them to bring back for him (which he gave them money for) they 'forgot'.
This stuff happens all the time and yet i still plaster a smile on my face and never say a word.
why does my husband bend over backwards for them when they quite obviouly couldn't give a shit.
I know I said I don't care about mother's day but why do I never factor into his thoughts
if I'm being a bitch tell me so

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 04/03/2018 14:54

He's wants to please them because they are his parents. If he's not paying enough attention to your needs then tell him. It doesn't have to be them or you.

Bunbunbunny · 04/03/2018 14:55

OP I get what you are saying, that for once you would like to feel appreciated and it’s not about being grabby. It was my bday two weeks ago and I’m still waiting for my DH to buy me my promised gifts when he got paid at the end of the month. He knows when my bday is every year but is shit with money and it pisses me off that he couldn’t take the time to plan to buy even a small gesture of a gift.

You can step back from his family, you don’t need to go every week to see them. If your DH wants to go let him, if someone told my husband I wasn’t good enough for him I would not waste a second of my time on them and I hope your DH defended you to them.

Twinbhoys · 04/03/2018 14:55

I get you if it wasn't for my dm or dis I'd get nothing either but I'd be more than happy with a scribble drawing from my 2 dc. But in fairness to my dc dad growing up his family didn't bother celebrating anything and he just didn't get why it upset me so much.

Bluelady · 04/03/2018 14:56

Storm in a teacup.

ClashCityRocker · 04/03/2018 14:56

Funny I thought the same thing in bed with dh last night.....

Glad it's not mother's day, phew!

Bunbunbunny · 04/03/2018 15:00

If you want gifts at Mother’s Day you will need to do the same on Father’s Day and tell your DH that you will celebrating both days going forward starting from next week

Snowmagedon · 04/03/2018 15:01

Opp your not a grabby bitch and it sounds sad he is running round after them when they seem to care little for him.

No its not a big deal to make small effort for the other parent... Get small dc to write a card..

RafikiIsTheBest · 04/03/2018 15:02

we do things for each other now and again that show we care

Is he doing things to show he cares and appreciates you? Or did you mean you don't want those things as long as he shows it?

We don't make a big deal out of valentines day, even at Birthday's and Christmas my OH can bit shit at gifts (I've banned cups, teddies, pens and necklaces as I've got far too many). But he shows it by caring for me when I'm down, bringing home random bits and showering me with affection.

starlightafar · 04/03/2018 15:05

Why is it that on mn nobody's allowed to want any kind of fuss about them. It isn't unreasonable to want to be acknowledged. Valentines day can fuck off but Mothering Sunday would take a total dickhead to not get a mother a card from their kids.

thecatsarecrazy · 04/03/2018 15:05

You had me worried for a sec op. I thought oh shit i haven't sent any mothers day cards what will i say to my mum when she phones.

starlightafar · 04/03/2018 15:06

He seems so totally desperate to impress the parents you fall to the wayside. I would stop supporting that tbh as it is a total waste of time.

bexwarwicksmith · 04/03/2018 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecatsarecrazy · 04/03/2018 15:09

@starlightafar after my ds3 was born i had a couple of questions about my health, only minor things. Asked on here and was basically made to feel i don't matter only my child does.

SockMobster · 04/03/2018 15:11

Did you write a similar post on valentine's day?

TotHappy · 04/03/2018 15:16

I don't think its unreasonable to wish he sometimes just got you things for no reason, or to say thanks, or because he could see you needed it. But he might never do that. Yu might well have to ask. Some men just don't do that lovely romantic thing of just thinking of you and therefore getting something.

Jux · 04/03/2018 15:18

He's desperate for their approval so he goes overboard for them, and so they take him for granted and so he becomes more desperate for approval so they take him for granted and he becomes more .........

He has your approval and knows it so doesn't have to beg for it. That's actually a good thing, unless he's taking you for granted in turn.

Wiat until actual Mother's Day, and if he forgets it, then have a word with him about all of that, but if he's made an effort then you know you're OK.

At some point he needs to think about his relationship with his parents. You could read Toxic Parents, it's on Amazon.

starlightafar · 04/03/2018 15:18

Bex why not? Any normally astute person would realise what a hint was.
Fucks sake you shouldn't have to say 'right mother's day is in a week get me a card' or 'it's my birthday on 5th march, can I have a bunch of flowers please?
Anyone normal with normal feelings ie not the bloody aspergers that every useless man on here is labelled with, knows to buy someone something nice on special days.
It isn't rocket science and if they don't want to do that to be honest they obviously don't give enough of a shit about you.
If you need to buy your own mothers day card or an easter egg your partner knows you want, then that's fine, but do it as a single woman not a wife that has a husband who doesn't care.
And yes. Babies matter. Husbands matter. Children matter. Mums? the whole reason the site was created (clue's in the name), to be supported by other mums? Forget it.
YANBU at all.
You are NOT hard work
Obviously bex and others will fly back with the fact they are fine having husbands who don't care enough to get them a birthday present or white wedding, or anything else nice.
If you want that, then that's your valid feelings and if your husband loves you he would want to make you happy. I bet on father's day he doesn't need to hint. No. Because you will do it for him. It's called being kind.

Garmadonsmum · 04/03/2018 15:18

Many, many men (namalt) have a massive get out of jail free card when it comes to kindnesses for their female partners. If it's the woman who does the shopping then she will on a weekly basis pick up things he likes, avoid brands of stuff he's mentioned disliking in the past etc. This becomes second nature and it can be very disheartening to realise that this simply isn't reciprocated - which becomes very apparent at times like birthday and anniversaries.

Jux · 04/03/2018 15:19

Oh, and post of Relationships, you'll get better advice there. They're very knowledgeable over there.

misskatamari · 04/03/2018 15:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's not about the occasion, it's about him doing things that are a nice gesture for them, but never thinking to for you. And the fact that they're unpleasant to you makes it feel worse I'm sure. Can you broach it with him? I don't think it's grabby, I think it's natural to feel a bit hurt that he can make the effort to do nice things for his family but doesn't think to do so for you

Pumpkintopf · 04/03/2018 15:30

You're not being unreasonable to want him to give you the same consideration he obviously gives his ungrateful family. I wouldn't be seeing them every weekend given the way you say they've treated you!

Snowmagedon · 04/03/2018 15:31

The cats a re crazy..

I think on done days a certain type of poster swoops in! Makes lots it threads go tits up.

Jenasaurus · 04/03/2018 15:38

I am getting what you mean OP, you don't want him to get you something because its expected (mothers day, easter etc) but you would like him to get you something because he 'wants' to as he loves and values you. I do see where your coming from. I imagine a handmade card or love letter would have meant so much more than an expensive gift, just something to say he appreciates you and you come first.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 04/03/2018 15:39

It's Mothers' Day on the 11th.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2018 15:40

I think I understand what you mean. He puts much time and effort into 'pleasing' his family, but apparently puts none into 'pleasing' you.

First off, you need to sit down and tell him how you feel. Don't compare his treatment of you to his family. Don't say "You do X for them, but you never do Y for me". Just tell him you feel that both of you need to show more appreciation for the other.

Next, if it's true that his parents either treat him badly or don't treat him as well as they treat their other children, then he's trying to 'buy their love'. Is there a 'Golden Child(ren)' vs 'Black Sheep' dynamic going on? Has his life 'disappointed' them (i.e. 'blue collar' work vs Uni education type job)? Take a good look at the family dynamics, but remove yourself (mentally) first. How do they treat him, not how they treat both of you. If you feel what I've said is valid, then you might want to discuss it with him, at a separate time NOT when you talk about your relationship and appreciation. And at that time you can tell him that you are going to remove yourself from his actions in trying to buy their love. No more cooking meals, buying expensive cakes, etc, etc. He will be on his own and you are done trying to please people who do not treat you (or him) well. In fact, you always have the option of telling him that you will not associate with people who treat the man you love so terribly.

It may be that he's going to need counseling to get over his unhealthy family dynamics. Encourage him to be open to it.

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