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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Immediate family

51 replies

Wifeandstepmum · 04/03/2018 09:05

So can you settle an argument between me and MIL please?

DH and I have been invited to his cousins wedding. The invitation is addressed to just the two of us and not any of our children. The invitation says that the couple are sorry but they can only accommodate the children of immediate family members.

Mil thinks that that means that our children and my step children are invited. I think that the children of cousins are not immediate family members.

We could ask the couple but I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable (I’ve never met them). Also I don’t want to take our kids to the wedding, I’d rather party without them. Mil wants them to be in formal family photos....

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2018 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wifeandstepmum · 04/03/2018 09:27

Biscay if this is your wedding, don’t worry, we will not be bringing our children

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifeandstepmum · 04/03/2018 09:28

The ‘no children’ apology is printed on everyone’s invites

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 04/03/2018 09:47

The invitation is addressed to just the two of us and not any of our children.

This is absolutely unambiguous. I had a groomsman assume that his kids were invited, despite them not being on the invite and us discussing our child free wedding- it's a very odd point of view.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 04/03/2018 10:01

I'd message the cousin as well, to warn that MIL may stir but it's not coming from you.

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 04/03/2018 10:01

Biscay if this is your wedding, don’t worry, we will not be bringing our children

Grinwe've not sent invites out yet so not us.

peachypetite · 04/03/2018 10:02

They are not invited.

ImListening · 04/03/2018 10:13

You are correct. Mil is wrong. Did this at my wedding. Remember one particular relative at another similar wedding viewed his GC as special & didn’t see why they would be excluded. Luckily his fab dil took your view - saying if kids are invited I’m not going!

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 13:59

Good point from Squeak, let the couple know that any pressure from MIL is definitely not coming from you!

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 04/03/2018 14:00

I'm with you OP.

Immediate family of bride and groom only, not cousins.

MIL is wrong.

Dontoutmenow · 04/03/2018 14:08

MIL is wrong, but then I don’t understand why she thinks she has a say anyway.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/03/2018 14:10

Your mil wants the rest of the family to think her dgc are special so got an invite is all - so she is gunning for one for them!!

mynameisLuca · 04/03/2018 14:19

On no-ones planet are children of your cousin immediate family. You've never even met these people!

spiney · 04/03/2018 14:21

Hilarious! Just like my MIL !
Because she wants it to be true ( for the photos ) it is true^^ that you are immediate family.

No you're not immediate family. And I think the B&G would have made it very clear to you if your DCs were invited since they have sent out a blanket statement saying no kids.They wouldn't leave it to chance. Part of the clue is just your names on the invitation.

I would get in there first before your MiL starts putting pressure on elsewhere in the family to get your DCs at the wedding. My MIL would stop at nothing.

Rosamund1 · 04/03/2018 14:25

The reason they explained ‘immediate family members’ children would be there’ is so people don’t get miffed when they see kids at the wedding when their sprogs were not invited.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 15:04

I think the fact your DC aren't included in the invite is enough proof they're not invited.

How can MIL not see that?

Bluelady · 04/03/2018 15:09

I'd accept the invitation, arrange childcare, tell MiL it's all sorted and refuse to elaborate.

Beamur · 04/03/2018 15:10

If I were you, I'd reply, accept and thank them for your invitation and comment along the lines that you're fine with the kids not being invited. That way, if you're wrong they can come back to you & if MIL says anything, they will know it's not from you indirectly.

louise5754 · 04/03/2018 15:17

Sorry for jumping on but this reminded me of our wedding.

We invited my husbands aunt and uncle who I had never met.

The rsvp said their names and they hand wrote 2 other names next to theirs. I asked my now husband who they were and he said the mans name was his cousin and the other must be his gf. I had no idea how old they were. I just assumed teenager not mid 40s.

While eating out lunch I saw a woman kept staring at me. I must have given her a right look as I couldn't understand who she was. That table was full and they had two children with them who had to sit behind their parents. No table to eat from. We hadn't even ordered them a meal. I'm still embarrassed to this day but I didn't have a clue who these family members were. In 11 years I've seen them twice.

Thistlebelle · 04/03/2018 15:18

I would reply to the invitation quickly saying how much you are looking forward to a child free night.

Your MIL is making huge assumptions about the photos anyway. Cousins/Aunts and Uncles weren’t included in the formal photos at that last three family weddings I attended, it’s not necessarily standard.

Why not buy her a photo session with the grandchildren for her next birthday?

seven201 · 04/03/2018 15:21

Your MIL is definitely the wrong one.

thecatsthecats · 04/03/2018 15:36

Your MIL is desperate to make a nice family event into a full family event for HER, completely unnecessarily. Be firm, and if you need a back up excuse, then tell her YOU don't want your kids there (if only to see the expression on her face).

wombatron · 04/03/2018 16:12

I kept it simple (in a way).... and invited no children Grin

Sounds like MIL is interfering and I would def be contacting the bride to advise she's carrying on. Good luck!

goldentriangle · 05/03/2018 21:14

Never met them or they and their children came to your wedding?

Original poster
Wifeandstepmum · 06/03/2018 08:30

Golden I tried to explain, I was making a mess of this. Typing too fast while terrorist toddler trashed my house. Sorry for not being clear. I’ve not met them. The groom is DH cousin. We invited them to our wedding but they didn’t come. We invited the grooms siblings and two of his nieces due to their special needs. One of the grooms sibling plus the grooms nieces did come to our wedding.
Ive called MIL and said we don’t want to take the kids. She’s not entirely pleased and she thinks we could still take them if we wanted to, to which I’ve said no we can’t.
I’ve contacted the couple and accepted with our thanks and said how DH and I would be delighted to attend and also how delighted we are to leave our kids for a day with my family.

OP posts: