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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to wish he'd stop moaning?

56 replies

NameAndNappyChanger · 04/03/2018 08:10

Dh's recent choice (quitting his job for one that pays 50% ish what the old one did. Without telling me and without preparation).has meant that im making huge cutbacks now. I manage the family finances and tbh most of the cutbacks effect me but there are effects on him too. Like cancelling his gaming subscriptions (one for PS4/PSN or whatever it's called and one for magazines) and he can't buy anymore parts for his computers, which is his hobby. But for fucks sake you'd think I'd drop kicked him in the face! Exact conversation

Him "But can't i at least have $x a month for parts"

Me: "No, because our food budget is minimal, our bills fixed and there's nothing I can do to magic up more money".

Him: "Can i at least keep PS+? Can we afford that?"

Me: "No we can't, see here, here and here. We cannot afford it, sorry babe"

"But I quit working at Y so I'd have more time for these things! What the fuck."

This is a choice he made without consulting me at all (literally came home and told me, I had 0 notice).

If we don't make these kinds of cutbacks we'll be starving on the streets. So it must be done. It will be minimum costs from here on in. This also includes cutting down to 1 car, which is all good until you factor in the 0 public transport in this area (other than v expensive taxis) and I'll be walking just over 25km a day to get the kids to and from school as well as looking after a young BF baby, and as dh's workplace is too far to walk to, it's me that has to take the hit.
Re: the kids they'll also have to give up their hobbies and lots of their "fun" stuff too. None of us have thrown a strop like he has and my life is about to become extremely difficult, im just trying to get on with it but he's whining about his gaming subscriptions.

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 08:53

I'm so, so sorry.

That man needs to grow up fast. Quit his job so he could spend more time gaming....

I... I don't even know.

SootyandMathew · 04/03/2018 08:53

So your kids walk nearly 4 miles to school and 4 miles home every day?

How old are they?

SmokedPaprika · 04/03/2018 08:54

Nope, I wouldn't have that. What he initially proposed was financial abuse (having his DC and wife struggling for food while he indulges in hobbies), what he's doing now is emotional abuse (stropping and sulking). Nope.
I'd rather be a single parent, get a small place nearer the school and know that even if I didn't have much what I did have was mine to control.

twoshineyshoesahhaeyetoeye · 04/03/2018 09:01

Running gaming consoles costs a fortune in electricity too...Just found this out this weekend when querying my bills, another reason for him not on be on them now.
Furious for you OP.

Graphista · 04/03/2018 09:01

Are you sure he quit the job and wasn't sacked? Either way I would be LIVID especially at his attitude that HE not miss out as a result! If he's only working a few days a week he should be

A looking for a second job

B in the meantime be doing more at home that's HELPFUL not playing fucking games!

I'd be selling the bloody consoles etc and telling him he can buy more when he gets his act together. You need the money!

Personally I'd have kicked him out that day! SO fucking irresponsible when it sounds like you have at least 3 DC inc a baby?

Original poster

NameAndNappyChanger · 04/03/2018 09:04

I won't be "LTB" sorry to disappoint...
I tried to post before to vent about how I felt (about him being irresponsible) but I was told that as long as his new salary covers everything and he's still supporting us (at a basic level) I've nothing to complain about and that I don't contribute anyway. So I'm a bit done with that, tbh. Was just posting about his attitude now.
Appears I'm right, thanks all

OP posts:

Avasarala · 04/03/2018 09:04

I've never posted a "leave him" comment before but I just can't believe someone has been this selfish. Have you actually talked him through how it's impacting you? He doesn't seem the type to realise it on his own - have you sat him down and told him what your poor kids are having to do, how they've had to give up all their extras, how you will have literally nothing extra for yourself and it's only going to get worse once the baby starts eating proper meals and getting bigger.

If he doesn't immediately recoil in horror at what he has done and try to get his job back then how can you have any respect left for him?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/03/2018 09:06

You have a man child (which I can only assume you accept) His behaviour is terrible and you completely facilitate it and the ones who suffer the most are your dc.

Honestly though. Get him a bike for work. Use the car for school runs and shopping.

Graphista · 04/03/2018 09:06

I genuinely don't understand WHY you won't even consider leaving. This excuse of a man doesn't give a shit about you or the DC.

Quartz2208 · 04/03/2018 09:08

But his new salary doesn’t cover everything though

ferrier · 04/03/2018 09:14

Can you move somewhere closer to school and other amenities? I'm guessing if you're 6km away from school, you're also 6km away (at least) from shops and public transport.

IdaDown · 04/03/2018 09:15

OP - if i’d have seen your op I certainly wouldn’t have said “put up and shut up”.

Standards of living are relative - but there comes a point where scraping by is not fun. The stress of planning every penny spent wears you down. No treats, no emergency funds, no extra heating, worn shoes, basic meals, always saying no to the kids - it’s exhausting.

Some folks have to live like that, but they wouldn’t choose to.

Except, your DH has.

Why won’t you think about LTB? He hasn’t thought about you and the kids.

LadySainsburySeal · 04/03/2018 09:21

I tried to post before to vent about how I felt (about him being irresponsible) but I was told that as long as his new salary covers everything and he's still supporting us (at a basic level) I've nothing to complain about and that I don't contribute anyway.

Jeez. Sometimes mumsnet really does plumb new vicious depths.

He's halved the family income yet expects you and the children to suffer while he pissballs around with his toys? He is a total wanker. I really feel for you.

UnsuspectedItem · 04/03/2018 09:30

He quit/reduced his job so he would HAVE MORE TIME FOR GAMING???

jaseyraex · 04/03/2018 09:31

Oh god OP, that sounds awful! Was he unhappy at his job or did he literally just leave to have more time doing what he wants? Would he consider looking for another job? Perhaps not one as demanding as whatever his last job was, but one that's better than what he currently has! My husband loves gaming but would absolutely not jeopardise his family and career for the sake of getting more time to do it, and if he did I think I'd sell the Xbox!

You are absolutely not unreasonable to want him to stop moaning. It's his fault you're having to make these cut backs, he obviously doesn't see it that way. Full admiration for you just making the best of it and getting on with it. I think I'd be in jail for murder if it was me. Have a clear out and see if you've any old bits and pieces you can sell online. It won't make you loads of cash but at least enough to put aside for an emergency or treats for the kids.

UnsuspectedItem · 04/03/2018 09:33

OP, forgive me for asking this but would you be better off financially if you LTB? Because that would be a serious option in my head.

LakieLady · 04/03/2018 09:37

His work is more than 25km round trip away, unfortunately. Otherwise I would be demanding the car.

He can sell his sodding consoles, use the money to buy himself a bike and cycle to work.

What an absolute tosser. He's been totally disrespectful and irresponsible.

Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2018 09:39

OP, did you post when he came home and told you?

I posted that money wasn't worth his mental health (if so), but you hadn't gone into detail how worse off financially you would be. If it is you, then I take back what I said.

Is him being selfish part of the same picture re him getting depressed? Is this out of Character? If so, he needs to get this sorted.

I've been in a similar position and it's just soul destroying when you are getting on with it, for the sake of the Family and others aren't.

timeisnotaline · 04/03/2018 09:47

I can’t believe you got those responses before! I simply couldn’t get past this, I’d definitely be on Ltb planning and have already sold his consoles and probably kicked him out.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/03/2018 09:49

If LTB is not an option then there is nothing more to really say.

Anyone who can't or won't see that staying with a creature like this is actively undermining your childrens' - and your own- future security really can't be helped very much.

His actions demonstrate that he either quite literally doesn't give a flying fuck about his family's welfare (more time for gaming is absolutely more important than my small children and wife with a newborn having to elk 12km a day just to reach school) or, he is utterly terminally stupid (literally cannot work through the steps: quit job to have more fun time = less money = major spending cutbacks = less fun time).

That he's done this with no consultation tells you, 100%, that he doesn't have a smidgen of respect for you and no idea what marriage is supposed to mean in terms of partnership and shared goals.

So fine, ride this out, then wait for the next bomb he throws. Next time maybe you'll find he's remortgaged the house to find something he feels he deserves. Or he'll meet someone else and just calmly tell you that hey, he has to follow his heart. Basically, you don't have a partner, kids don't have a real proper father who puts them first- you just have a loose cannon.

Loving him is kind of besides the point. What on earth value can the description 'love' have if applied to a circumstance like this - where someone literally shits all over the babies you made together? Saying you love someone who can do that only shows that the word is meaningless in your world.

Bloody good luck with this twat is all I can say. Oh and did gods sake squirrel money away and don't tell him - you will need it at some point.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/03/2018 09:51

Oh and the commuting - if he can't get there on a push bike get him a moped.

Graphista · 04/03/2018 10:07

You know what? Is it that he's addicted to the gaming? How long does he spend gaming? Absolutely DOESN'T excuse his behaviour but perhaps explains it.

But even if that is the case what he SHOULD be doing is address it - not give in to it to the detriment of his family and finances.

Butterymuffin · 04/03/2018 10:39

Practical suggestions for now:

he buys or borrows a bike and cycles to work
you drive him to work (or part way there, to where the buses start running) so that you can have the car. He'll have to arrive early and hang around but that's his problem
move closer to school / job

smartiecake · 04/03/2018 10:46

No way would i be making my kids walk that far! What about extremes of weather - rain, snow, ice, heat while he gets to use the car. No no no no no never. The kids go in the car. The parents take the hardship. Thats what being a parent is. He needs a reality check!

Quartz2208 · 04/03/2018 10:57

There is stuff you can do though - you can talk to him. If your relationship is a partnership then open a dialogue about how to move forward.

He has every right to not feel happy and want a change but within the boundaries of what works as a family - is moving an option, closer to family closer to school etc. You have options but they all revolve around discussing stuff with him

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