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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First date and he's literally sat in silence

57 replies

Navrat · 03/03/2018 23:13

Oh dear. I'm on a first date with someone I met on POF. He seemed interested at first but now he just have decided he doesn't want a second date as he's pretty much say in silence. I've asked him a million questions and he responds but doesn't ask me anything back. I've just popped to the loo as I've been say in silence a minute too long. We met at 8pm. AIBU if I say I have to get home now and bring this to a very swift close? I feel bad as he's still got half a glass of beer he's not have touched for half an hour.

I'm going to need a glass of wine at home after this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Navrat · 03/03/2018 23:45

We had a meal that took up a bit of time. In the beginning conversation was half okay but felt like a general chat and didn't venture into anything personal.

Towards the end it was clear he was not interested and neither was I.

That was way too awkward

OP posts:
rightknockered · 03/03/2018 23:50

I think you should always make the first dat a coffee, where OLD is concerned. It's just a first meeting and you can make a quick decision, since you only have to stay for one coffee.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2018 23:53

Better to find out you aren't suited for each other on the first date, if you ask me. Now on to better things!

Sparklesocks · 03/03/2018 23:54

If it isn’t going well it’s ok to duck out early OP! Just say you have an early start the next day, don’t suffer in silence to be polite

Rollonweekend · 03/03/2018 23:55

Onwards and upwards OP!

I think the trick is not to have dinner again as a first date. Much easier to meet for a drink for an hour.

Riverside2 · 03/03/2018 23:55

Yikes
Hope the food was nice!

Sullabylullaby · 03/03/2018 23:59

Jaysis, don't go for a meal on a first date. You need to be able to bail within 10 minutes.

HeddaGarbled · 04/03/2018 00:01

Though bailing after half an hour as suggested by PP seems harsh unless they say something really offensive.

abigamarone · 04/03/2018 00:04

You know he's probably going to text, first thing in the morning and say he thinks you're amazing and he had a great time?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/03/2018 00:07

Are you home yet?

That sounds really agonising. Definitely coffee or pre dinner drinks next time. Lunch at a push.

Lucky you getting asked out all the time...hopefully you’ll be asked by someone you do find attractive! Or you could try dating them, lots of people found someone attractive AFTER going out with them.

Speed dating?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/03/2018 00:16

In fairness he’s not at fault,nor are you.just no spark

MsVestibule · 04/03/2018 00:24

Though bailing after half an hour as suggested by PP seems harsh unless they say something really offensive

It does a bit, but I'd been on enough OLDs that when I thought 'you know, I'd rather my at home in my pyjamas watching TV', I just politely said 'thanks but no thanks' when he offered to buy another drink. TBF, I only did it once - the rest of them were good company, even if there was no spark. It was my own fault on that occasion, really - I'd broken my own rule of only dating totally literate men. (I would accept the odd typo Wink).

However, I did meet my now-DH a couple of weeks after that. I could tolerate a full evening with him.

Thebirthdayparty · 04/03/2018 00:38

I wouldn't bail out after half an hour unless I thought the date was a psycho or something. It isn't fair after somebody made the effort to go and meet and could be nervous etc. But I think an hour and a half is enough for somebody to say that they have an early start in the morning and get home in time to send a quick online message to say thanks for meeting up but there wasn't a connection but best of luck type of thing.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2018 00:42

Forget whether he was interested or not, he just sounds rude!

Enjoy your wine op. OLD is very much a numbers game.

snewsname · 04/03/2018 00:48

Arrange for a quick drink next time where you have to meet a friend later. If you are having a good time you can "cancel" you're friend or admit it was a ruse.
Or
You need to arrange for a friend to ring you with an emergency at home next time. If you don't want to leave them, you fob her off with a key phrase already agreed. If you want to get out of there, you've got your excuse.

ferrier · 04/03/2018 00:53

Quick drink after work works well. Definitely try to keep the first meet up short.

user1485778793 · 04/03/2018 00:55

He already said no to a 2nd date? What was the point in hanging round with him?

crimsonlake · 04/03/2018 01:02

I expect he felt the same by the sounds of things, well done you for bringing it to an end.

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss · 04/03/2018 01:09

I feel your pain OP and I have done the same.
My first POF date seemed amazing from the messages. Good looking, sensible and had a great sense of humour.
We met up and it was horrendous! He turned up in really smelly unwashed clothes and kept telling me about how he had his knob pierced...
It got better. I ordered a glass of wine (small, and by god I needed it!) with my meal and he got the raging arse. Couldn't figure out why, I'd offered to pay and still offered to pay.
Turns out he had a discount card and was due to get the entire meal free, my wine invalidated it.
My advice would be to go for the dating websites that charge a monthly sign up. It seems to weedle out the crazy.
Hope you're having a bloody large glass now.

James2013 · 04/03/2018 08:50

I remember my misses taking me out for a walk once when we were out....because I never talked to her.....2 beautiful kids and a nice house later, and a georgeous wife...things aren’t always as they seem from the start ☺️

RedForFilth · 04/03/2018 09:15

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss what did you say to him? Please tell me you left!

OP I'd never go for a meal for a first date. I have done once but that was because I already knew him well. But then I wouldn't do coffee because I hate it, drinks after work is a no for me because I'd prefer to have a shower and look nicer. So evening drink for me, you can choose to stay for as many or as little as you like. I wouldn't say you were meeting a friend after (that would put me off someone, like they were anticipating it being bad and would make me look at it negatively), nor would I get a friend to call with an emergency because that's just obvious what you're doing. It's fine to say you just didn't feel a connection but it was nice to meet them. Good luck!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/03/2018 11:26

Standard internet date rule is go for a drink, if going well one of you will propose getting a bite to eat, if not “thanks for the drink, really have to go now”...msg later that you don’t feel a spark but was great to meet you.

sexnotgender · 04/03/2018 11:32

Definitely don’t invest time or money on a first date. Drink or coffee only.
I met my husband online so I’m a big fan of it, definitely learnt quickly to not put all my eggs in one basket, to meet up face to face as soon as possible and not to do anything other than a drink or coffee as a first meeting.

Original poster
Navrat · 04/03/2018 20:29

We arranged to meet for drinks and it was him that suggested we get something to eat. It was when we were getting something to eat that the conversation seemed to dwindle.

He's not text today and I agree there was absolutely no chemistry. From now on I will only go on coffee first dates with a deadline often hours so that I have a reason to leave if it's all going down hill

OP posts:
mummyrabbitpeppapig · 04/03/2018 20:46

Wonder if he's trying to play it cool and will contact tomorrow asking to meet again?