Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband doesn't spend evenings with me

33 replies

Hammy12345 · 03/03/2018 22:30

I'm fully prepared to be told IABU and should be more supportive. My husband works away one or two nights a week, where he will go out with his friends for a meal and drinks, which he doesn't seem to find tiring.
Pretty much every night he is a home (5 or 6 per week) he goes to sleep putting our DS to bed, and will then stay there all night. I have suggested not laying down with DS (I don't with DD) so then he doesn't feel sleepy. Each night I wake him up and ask him to come down, the majority of nights he refuses. I am left to clean up from the day alone and watch TV on my own and then sleep on my own.
I feel really sad spending most nights alone, we don't have quality time together and I feel pissed off that I do all the clearing up at night whilst he just sleeps. I don't think there is anything medically wrong with him as he has no problem being up later at night when he works away. This situation makes me feel shit about myself, but then again he works hard, I'm a SAHM, so maybe I should let him sleep?

OP posts:

Handsfull13 · 03/03/2018 22:39

Have you considered putting the kids to bed yourself for a few nights to see what he does. If he falls asleep on the sofa then he needs to be checked out if not you have something to talk about.
Or you just ask him bluntly why he chooses not to spend the evening with you. You sound very lonely, do you get a chance to socialise much? As he's going to be asleep and at home anyway you could always do something in the evenings.

ChasedByBees · 03/03/2018 22:40

I think you need to discuss this with him when he’s fully awake and alert and tell him what a problem it is. He must be tired if he’s falling asleep but you could plan a couple of evenings where you do something, even just watch TV together if he’s tired.

Does he have to be the one to put your DS in bed? If you took turns, there’s 50% of the time he won’t fall alseep.

Neverender · 03/03/2018 22:41

I work 5 days a week but I totally feel your pain. He doesn't want to spend time with me, that's what I've realised. If he did, he'd be here. But he's not. I'm just glad I've not given up my job as I know this is a bad sign.

SoleBizzz · 03/03/2018 22:43

He is avoiding you for some reason.

Littlelambpeep · 03/03/2018 22:44

I don't think this is on at all. I am quicker ay putting DC to bed so dh clears up. It works for us. We both work full time.

At the start of our marriage / DC it was rocky as he spent all day Saturday at his parents helpng them, while i was left with DC. So i get how you feel - you need to actually get angry / let it out. Why should you live like that

Original poster

Hammy12345 · 03/03/2018 22:45

I put our daughter to bed and that can take a while, but I guess I could do our sons bed time straight after and see what happens.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 03/03/2018 22:47

Sorry OP but this doesn’t look good at all. I agree that is avoiding you for some reason. Probably another woman

TheStoic · 03/03/2018 22:47

Not necessarily avoiding you, but definitely avoiding housework. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just head off to bed whenever we wanted to and let the fairies clean up. This is what he’s doing.

You need to describe it to him as you’ve done here, at a time when you’re both relatively relaxed. He needs to see how unfair it is, so you can come up with a solution that works for both of you.

ThisBabyIsAnOctopus · 03/03/2018 22:48

He’s doing this cos it suits him.

DianaT1969 · 03/03/2018 22:50

I agree with previous poster, if he is at home with the children on regular evenings, this is your chance to go out to a class, the gym or see friends. He might stop treating you as part of the wallpaper. I had a partner who made a habit of falling asleep in front of the tv and never coming to bed. It's very lonely. Take back some control and build an exciting social life.

Hotdoggity · 03/03/2018 22:51

He doesn’t need that much sleep. He’s definitely doing it for a reason, especially once you’ve woken him... sorry, what crap. Definitely is bollocks. I actually have no idea and i hope you guys get it sorted.

ThisIsM · 03/03/2018 22:52

Surely you have asked him/called him out on this? What did he say?
No you don't need to be 'more supportive'. He needs to share responsibility in the house now that you are both home from your respective days.
You need to talk to him and find out what's going on, making it clear you are not ok with this and then update us
What is your relationship like usually?

starlightafar · 03/03/2018 23:08

FFS. If this were a man posting about his wife he'd be angrily advised how tired she is after looking after kids all day.
I used to pass out on the floor whilst waiting for mine to go to sleep. I'd then crawl into bed and hope not to get pawed for sex.
Having kids is knackering. The falling asleep isn't the issue. The fact he uses his energy on late nights working away and not with you is. I'd leave him doing supper/similar and you do the bedtimes. That way he is still awake when you've done.
Although it isn't uncommon for men working away to have another life. But that's jumping the gun,

Dogsandbabies · 03/03/2018 23:09

It happens to me all the time... I am in your husband’s shoes though. I adore my partner but I still often fall asleep putting my daughter to bed. Talk to him. From my experience it doesn’t mean anything but it is important to let him now how sad it makes you feel.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 23:10

He is out with his friends the nights he works away and chooses to catch up on sleep when he's home. Nice life for some. I wouldn't rule out another woman he's out with rather than friends. it's all a bit unsatisfactory at best and quite suspicious at worst.

Della1 · 03/03/2018 23:14

It sounds like he is avoiding tidying up. Talk to him.

missiondecision · 03/03/2018 23:14

Ask him, but sounds like he is either
A) avoiding you
B) avoiding housework
C) actually really tired

mumofthemonsters808 · 03/03/2018 23:18

I don't think he's avoiding you, he's just got into a selfish habit and unless you bring him in line it' will become the norm and will go on for years. If he really is exhausted, he needs to review his diet and lifestyle.Could he be hungover from the nights out with friends?.Anyway, whatever the cause, it's not fair for you to be always downstairs alone, I'd go to the gym or pop to my friends.Situations like this are dangerous because even though you are married you feel isolated and alone, but I bet he doesn't think like this, he'll just emphasise his need for sleep.He needs telling and hopefully your household routine can be tweaked.

NotTakenUsername · 03/03/2018 23:24

Op please try to ignore the other woman nonsense unless you have a specific reason to doubt his fidelity.

Me and dh both used to fall asleep with Dd when we put her to bed. Once I was out I was gone, I was not getting up again!

Being out socialising and being cuddled up with your lovely child are two very different scenarios.

Tell him you miss him. Tell him you expect equality with the evening clear away. Change things up. Could he do both bedtimes while you exclusively tidy some nights and other nights switch it around? This stage is hard.

bittern79 · 03/03/2018 23:25

He’s a selfish twat. Do you get the same amount of time to spend with friends? I bet not.

And does he sleep with dc all night? Bizarre!

I’d wake him up each time and get him to do his share of clearing up. So he sleeps from say 8pm to 7am?!

MadeForThis · 03/03/2018 23:29

I agree that it's the sleeping in a different room that's an issue. Surely he would wake up and come to bed?

It's also a good idea to use that time to do something for yourself. Meet friends or family, gym, cinema. Even just to get out of the house for a walk or a drive.

You need to speak to him and explain how lonely you are.

TwentySmackeroos · 03/03/2018 23:33

But the op extracting herself from the situation and going to meet friends/gym/cinema doesn't give her what she seeks, which is time with her OH.

I agree with a previous poster that he has a nice little routine going for himself where,on the face of it, he 'contributes' by putting the kids to bed, but is absent from company for these nights in addition to the ones he is out/away.

Original poster

Hammy12345 · 03/03/2018 23:35

Thanks for all your advice. I'm going to talk to him when I am feel less angry. I don't think he has another woman (because he is incredibly tight and most definitely wouldn't be wining and dining her). I think he has just got into this routine and is quite selfish and unaware. In the meantime I will up my social activities and not feel bad about doing them. Will update when I have spoken to him.

OP posts:

Tirednanny · 03/03/2018 23:49

I used to do this I was very depressed and felt shattered all the time. I can see how selfish it is looking back at it. At the time I just wanted to sleep. Not saying he is depressed just giving another view point.

cjholly · 03/03/2018 23:56

You definitely need to talk and share your feelings, having young kids is hard work and tiring for both of you. I hope you manage to get things back on track

Flip

1 2