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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel exploited

40 replies

Unemfuckingployable · 03/03/2018 21:32

When one of my stepchildren (30) has been living with us rent free for six months, another (26) is about to move in, and a third (28) has been living in my flat for the last four years at a vastly subsidised rent (about two thirds of the mortgage)?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 03/03/2018 21:46

How do you feel exploited? What’s the back story?

mynameisLuca · 03/03/2018 21:48

You should do, because you are. Why are you susidising multiple adult step children?

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 03/03/2018 21:51

Is this not what you do for your children , unless they are treating you badly or disrespectfully , its so much harder to get on the property ladder now

mynameisLuca · 03/03/2018 21:52

No, its not what you do for your children. They aren't even her children.

Original poster
Unemfuckingployable · 03/03/2018 21:54

Sorry, I risk drip feeding.
I am subsidising stepson’s rent on the flat.
Our house is full of stepdaighter’s Stuff.
When 2nd stepson moves in, he will sleep either in my study, sharing a bathroom with stepdaughter, or in the guest room, which is where we keep our clothes, and which has my bathroom ensuite.
The back story is a long and complicated one involving house-purchase chains.
I am very fond of all of them but feel they are utterly oblivious to our generosity. If I were their parent I would accept some responsibility or else call them out on it, but as stepmother even raising an eyebrow at the prospect of giving up my bathroom immediately puts me into Snow White territory.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unemfuckingployable · 03/03/2018 21:56

I do this because it is what my husband has chosen to do. I try very hard not to mind, but when it crosses nobody’s mind that this might in any way be difficult for me I’m afraid I get the rage.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 03/03/2018 21:57

I can't think of anything worse than having somebody stay in a guest room, or not having my own bathroom. How will you cope?

TheQueenOfWands · 03/03/2018 22:00
Grin
Original poster
Unemfuckingployable · 03/03/2018 22:06

Oh for goodness’s sake don’t be so chippy. All our clothes live in the guest room. So does my dressing table. The guest room ensuite is where the only shower in the house is. It will be a real arse if stepson moves into the guest room long term.

OP posts:
Isadora666 · 03/03/2018 22:09

So take action and put a stop to it.

Original poster
Unemfuckingployable · 03/03/2018 22:13

Yes but then husband accuses me of driving a wedge between him and his children.

OP posts:
Thatsnotmybody · 03/03/2018 22:13

Can you move your study into the guest room so that and your bedroom becomes your suite, and your two step children share the downstairs guest area? I'm assuming this house belongs to your husband too, and they are his children,l

Bambamber · 03/03/2018 22:15

So are they all in the process of buying houses? If it's temporary I would just try and get by, but If it's a more permanent arrangement you need to have a good chat with your husband. You both have to live in the home and I'm sure all the step kids will soon pick up on the fact that they're not exactly welcome which could make for a very uncomfortable atmosphere

Iloveacurry · 03/03/2018 22:15

If they have jobs, which I assume they do due to their ages, yes they should be paying you rent. With regards to your guest room having your clothes and the ensuite with a shower, why don’t you sleep in there.

Sitranced · 03/03/2018 22:16

They're not children, they're fully grown adults.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 03/03/2018 22:22

You are being exploited. Time to put a stop to it. Why is your DH putting you and your needs last?

Mrsmadevans · 03/03/2018 22:23

They are all adults why are you allowing this to happen . I know all the poisonous Snow White stuff but really? Surely your DH is not happy with this . I don't think my DH would be happy if it were our own DC .

Original poster
Unemfuckingployable · 03/03/2018 22:24

They’re not unwelcome - I just wish I didn’t feel so taken for granted. Moving into the guest room ourselves would absolutely be the sensible thing, but husband won’t do it because he doesn’t like the bed.
Even as I type those words I realise how ridiculous it is...
I’m going to sign off now because everyone’s replies have made me realise that I’m not in theory unreasonable, but I need either to put my foot down and risk causing trouble between me and stepchildren/ me and husband; or else just suck it up. But actually not saying anything and being quietly resentful is the worst of all possible worlds.
It is reassuring though to know that I’m not inherently unreasonable to feel that adults with jobs should be making some contribution to the household.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 03/03/2018 22:26

How long have you been their stepmum? If you have only been with your H for a couple of years, then it's understandable that he will put his DC first (and also that you will feel more resentful as they are not 'children' to you given that they were adults when you met them.) It does seem as though your H thinks that he has the final say on any decisions regarding your home, doesn't it?

SavvyBlancBlonde · 03/03/2018 22:28

Ideally, you should give the step-adult in your flat a deadline, citing money flow and saying that the rent would be increased by such a date.

Set rules for them to live in the house by. Food must be contributed to as must bills with an end date on the help. They will have no idea of the real cost of life and expect the bank of stepmum and dad to bail them out else. But I take it that your DH won’t listen to reason? Wedge between him and his children? If he built on their relationship when younger and can talk to them, then they will understand. Could one not stay with their mum so that you’re not having all the financial burden and home space taken?

CoffeeOrSleep · 03/03/2018 22:29

Agree with PP, study stuff into the 'guest' room, so that becomes the free room and you have have a room that's yours with the shower.

I can see easily why feeling you have to just accept another adult moving in and it not being something you get a choice in would be unsettling. It's equally yours and DP's home, but these adult children are not equally your relations, and it's not equally your choice who lives in your house.

The one who's not paying market rent on the flat though, can you not get that sorted ASAP?! Either up the rent or ask them to leave.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 03/03/2018 22:29

And move your bed into the guest room if that’s a problem!

CoffeeOrSleep · 03/03/2018 22:30

Cant you swap the beds between your room and the guest room?

I'd make that the condition on SC moving in.

upsideup · 03/03/2018 22:32

I would do this for my DC so I understand why your DH would want to do it for his. Do you have children OP? If yes would you do this for them? The daughter of my long term ex partner (so not even my actual stepdaughter although I have always seen her as this) will be staying with us rent free for 6 months at the end of this year and my DH who is of no relation to her at all doesnt mind because he cares about her.
It doesnt come across as your problem isnt that you cant afford to help them but that you just dont want to?

SavvyBlancBlonde · 03/03/2018 22:35

@upsideup - I think the seriously subsidised rent for 4 years plus two other step-adults moving in might have something to do with that. It does appear that OP hasn’t been consulted but rather been presented with this all as a solution by DH