To cut off my mother - sensitive

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This is so difficult for me.

I am in my 30's. As a child I was sexually abused by my father. I told about it at the time and my mother refused to believe it, made me tell everyone I was lying and then punished me by sending me to live with my grandmother.

In my teens i desperately tried to reach out for help - to talk to someone so would try to discuss with teachers at school, a school nurse and a counsellor school arranged. Of course because of the seriousness of it they had to notify her of what i was saying and she'd go in and demand that school stop me speaking to these people because my allegations are false and im attention seeking etc.

Social services were notified but i was scared to speak to them at the time and so they only had her word to go on. My dad had remarried and moved away by this time too so there was no immediate danger - just a mother preventing me from talking.

Fast forward to late teens I raised the issue with her again. Her response was to phone him, tell him what i was saying and to come and sort me out. She had him waiting at home for me when i returned home from work, told him to come upstairs to me when i ran off to my room had had him chasing me round the streets when i escaped the house.

I didn't see him after that and i moved away. Until he split from his wife and my mom tried to get back together with him. I watched on fb as pictures popped up of family parties that he was invited to but not me. A picture that particularly bothers me is one of them passionately kissing.

This continued until another child came forward to say he'd abused them too. He was sentenced to 12 yrs in prison (serving 8) and my mom was heartbroken.

Since then I have become a parent myself and the reality of what has happened has hit me. Im sure id want to kill someone who did that to him.

This isnt the only issue i have with her. There are loads from a childhood of neglect and also her treatment of me and my siblings as adults. Every time i see her she looks at me disgusted and says im fat, ugly, my clothes are vile, im a rubbish parent etc. If you say anything back she'll smash up the room shes in or threaten to commit suicide if her anger doesnt work.

Ive finally reached a point where ive had enough. Ive distanced myself from her over recent months as i dont want that for myself or my child.

I felt uneasy cutting her off entirely when i hadnt told her outright what the issues are. I asked that she gets some professional help or i dont see a future for our relationship.

Ive simply been met with blame (its all my fault as i handled it wrong as a child and if i didnt act like i hated him then she wasnt going to either). Her telling me I've got a screw loose, laughing at me telling me im nuts and i need the help and theres no point in bringing it up at this point in my life. And then guilt - well ill just leave this world entirely then and maybe that will make you feel better.

I was particularly hurt today as she had sent my sister messages laughing at me, saying they had all been sitting around talking about me and she doesnt want to speak to me any more anyway because theres something seriously wrong with me.

I am now thinking i just need to cut all contact with her entirely. It feels so wrong to cut your own mother off though. I love her immensely and it really hurts. But is it right to have someone in my life whose only goal is to bring me down? She does nothing to help me. I had an operation in June and she left me here knowing i was alone with a child to take care of and could barely even walk to the toilet. I asked her for help and she point blank refused. I ended up calling a friend who was here without question. Not surprising as she also left me in Birmingham childrens hospital as a 10 yr old child to have heart surgery alone.

I would appreciate some views on whether i am being too hard on her or how to move forward.

I must add that my life is pretty good otherwise. I am enjoying being a parent. I have come a long way in healing from past issues. I find it so hard to heal from the issue of her though when she continues to be an issue.

I cant believe that you even have to think about it

You should have done it a long time ago

Cut her off. You don’t need that toxicity in your life.

Best wishes to you for the future

You’re amazing.

You have proved you don’t need her, so cut her out without a backward glance - I’d be surprised if you wanted her to have anything to do with your child.

Is your sister supportive of you? Did she have a similar experience?

Cut her off completely without a second thought. Your siblings too if they are going to be involved with her.

Have you ever approached the police about your dad?

Cut her out, she is toxic and mean, why would you want to be around that?
Why do you love her?

Cut her off totally, no good can come of trying to maintain a relationship with someone so utterly toxic

Your post made me cry. You didn’t deserve any of that.

I know she is your Mum and you love her, but you don’t have to do this anymore sweetheart. You truly truly don’t.

You are incredibly strong. Walk away. If not for you, then for your DC who don’t need to be around that.

I can't see any positives in your mother being in your life. I think from a survival POV you need to go NC. I'm so sorry OP that you've had such a crappy upbringing (and that's saying it mildly).

You are AMAZING

Walk away never talk to her again, you don’t need her and nor does your little one

Xxx

Oh OP you poor poor thing. I have no practical advice but have you had counselling for the trauma these people have put you through?
I would not feel bad about cutting her off, she does not deserve you and i don't think she deserves an explanation..... sure she can work it out for herself.
I suspect you are still craving her love (a relative of mine is similar) but be honest, is she worthy of your love?
Please consider counselling to help you deal with the emotions of everything she has put you through.
Stay strong

Go complete NC with anyone who doesn't support you, life is too short

Fucking he’ll woman, cut her out and never ever look back she is pure toxic sludge.

for all you’ve been through.

I do hate the current trend of going no contact over the slightest annoyance, but I seriously believe you and your child would be much better off without this woman in your life!
I’m sure you can move forward without her and create your own happy family memories. x

She sounds completely hateful. As in the real meaning of the word.

I’d suggest posting on the relationships board where there are many people who have gone no contact with parents for various reasons. You may well need support with this.

The decision should be very obvious to you, it’s a real sign of the damage she ( and he, of course) have done that you need to ask.

I’m glad you are having a good life and a good experience of parenting. That’s the very best testament to your strength. Cutting contact and regaining control will add to that strength.

Best wishes.

Cut her off and don’t look back

Don’t feel bad about cutting her off.
You don’t need someone so toxic and cruel in your life.
She has been a shit mother to you
When the woman who gave birth to you doesn’t believe you it’s the worst, most awful feeling
I wish you all the very best 💐🍷

Of course you need to cut her out. You need to grieve about this too. Not grieving for her, but grieving for the fact you didn’t have the mother every child deserves or the safe, happy childhood every child deserves.

You have your own child now and you need to go through that process of grieving and acceptance so you and DS can create the happy future together that you both deserve, free from your toxic parents.

Oh sweetheart.

Take yourself out of the situation and read the post as if written by someone else.

Then you'll see why no one will tell you to remain in contact.

She's abusing you just like your father did.

You deserve better. Your son deserves better

I meant to add have a look the Stately homes thread. It will help you realise that you’re not alone

So very, very sorry Op, you have done so well to move on sucessfully from a vile childhood...

Her actions are far beyond inexcusable and she will hamper your recovery, please go no contact.

She let you down very badly as a child and she is continuing to behave in a vile way. You have your own child/family to think about now and you can choose to move on without her in your life. Maybe write to her and tell her that you love her but you cannot continue to have contact with her unless and until she is prepared to acknowledge the damage that she has done and can get the help that she needs. Ditto your siblings.

Can you tell me any reason to keep her? Cut out the cancer today

Thank you for your responses. I keep thinking maybe Im being awful to her. I knew Id get some honest responses here so if that was the case I'd re-look at my own actions.

She doesnt have any contact with my child. She did in the early days but, as i said, it took me being a parent myself to realise how wrong it all is. Hes 8 now and shes never had him alone as I dont trust her to properly take care of him. The only time i did ask for help last year, she refused. Im trying to raise him entirely differently. Its been a huge learning curve for me and ive had to work a lot on unpicking my own emotions as ive gone along but Ive come a long way and I think we have a lovely relationship. Im far from perfect but I try so hard and make a point of apologising when I'm wrong. Hes my world and Im so proud of everything he is.

I did make a statement against my dad when I was 19. I was supposed to give video evidence and that morning she phoned to say "poor him, imagine the guilt you'll feel for the rest of your life knowing hes in prison" and so i didnt proceed. I believe its still on file though. Im not sure if i can go through with prosecuting him right now when im hurting so much dealing with her. But as i continue to heal.... who knows.

Ive only ever had one real argument with her.... once when i applied for a mortgage and was refused and found she had taken out loads of credit (mainly catalogues) out in my name and not paid them. I reported it as beintlg fraudulent as Id never lived at the address these debts were registered to but nothing came of it. I've recently had to fight a CCJ for a debt that belonged to her. Fortunately I won. We didnt speak over it for about 6 months but she did it again after.

I feel better from your responses to know Im doing the right thing.

Shes now raising my 2 neices and I have a 19 year old brother who has never left the house alone as she doesnt let him. He tried to rebel once and went anyway. She took an overdose so he went back. Hes on antidepressants. Wants a job,a bank account, provisional driving license. He gave her money from his birthday money to get him a passport and she just spent it. But hes so controlled by her he doesnt see hes being abused. She lets him play his xbox all night, sleep all day and he doesn't have to lift a finger. So he thinks shes wonderful.

I have reported my concerns about my 2 neices being there but shes so clever at playing the system. She says all the right things at the right time and they likely cant find anything on her, especially given my dad is currently in prison. I assume someone will be out when my dad is released in July to tell us to keep the children away and i plan to tell them again then. There should be plenty of people to support what i say given shes become relaxed with who she tells about her intention to see him again.

Argh I could go on and on. What a mess.

I think you need to cut off her off. Is it your sister’s children who live with her? Social services need to know that your father is likely to be in the house once released.

You would be doing the right thing in cutting her off.

Cut her off.
Take all the legal action you can against her, re the fraud.
Talk to a lawyer about her part in your abuse, ie she was complicit if she knew about it.
Sometimes seeing justice done can help with healing.
Finally, you are amazing!