To cut off my mother - sensitive

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This is so difficult for me.

I am in my 30's. As a child I was sexually abused by my father. I told about it at the time and my mother refused to believe it, made me tell everyone I was lying and then punished me by sending me to live with my grandmother.

In my teens i desperately tried to reach out for help - to talk to someone so would try to discuss with teachers at school, a school nurse and a counsellor school arranged. Of course because of the seriousness of it they had to notify her of what i was saying and she'd go in and demand that school stop me speaking to these people because my allegations are false and im attention seeking etc.

Social services were notified but i was scared to speak to them at the time and so they only had her word to go on. My dad had remarried and moved away by this time too so there was no immediate danger - just a mother preventing me from talking.

Fast forward to late teens I raised the issue with her again. Her response was to phone him, tell him what i was saying and to come and sort me out. She had him waiting at home for me when i returned home from work, told him to come upstairs to me when i ran off to my room had had him chasing me round the streets when i escaped the house.

I didn't see him after that and i moved away. Until he split from his wife and my mom tried to get back together with him. I watched on fb as pictures popped up of family parties that he was invited to but not me. A picture that particularly bothers me is one of them passionately kissing.

This continued until another child came forward to say he'd abused them too. He was sentenced to 12 yrs in prison (serving 8) and my mom was heartbroken.

Since then I have become a parent myself and the reality of what has happened has hit me. Im sure id want to kill someone who did that to him.

This isnt the only issue i have with her. There are loads from a childhood of neglect and also her treatment of me and my siblings as adults. Every time i see her she looks at me disgusted and says im fat, ugly, my clothes are vile, im a rubbish parent etc. If you say anything back she'll smash up the room shes in or threaten to commit suicide if her anger doesnt work.

Ive finally reached a point where ive had enough. Ive distanced myself from her over recent months as i dont want that for myself or my child.

I felt uneasy cutting her off entirely when i hadnt told her outright what the issues are. I asked that she gets some professional help or i dont see a future for our relationship.

Ive simply been met with blame (its all my fault as i handled it wrong as a child and if i didnt act like i hated him then she wasnt going to either). Her telling me I've got a screw loose, laughing at me telling me im nuts and i need the help and theres no point in bringing it up at this point in my life. And then guilt - well ill just leave this world entirely then and maybe that will make you feel better.

I was particularly hurt today as she had sent my sister messages laughing at me, saying they had all been sitting around talking about me and she doesnt want to speak to me any more anyway because theres something seriously wrong with me.

I am now thinking i just need to cut all contact with her entirely. It feels so wrong to cut your own mother off though. I love her immensely and it really hurts. But is it right to have someone in my life whose only goal is to bring me down? She does nothing to help me. I had an operation in June and she left me here knowing i was alone with a child to take care of and could barely even walk to the toilet. I asked her for help and she point blank refused. I ended up calling a friend who was here without question. Not surprising as she also left me in Birmingham childrens hospital as a 10 yr old child to have heart surgery alone.

I would appreciate some views on whether i am being too hard on her or how to move forward.

I must add that my life is pretty good otherwise. I am enjoying being a parent. I have come a long way in healing from past issues. I find it so hard to heal from the issue of her though when she continues to be an issue.

Yes my sisters children. As soon as they were born my mom worked on getting them. Reporting her to ss for everything she could. Some things true, some fabricated. She encouraged my sister to get pregnant at 16 then when she did my mom turned on her instead of trying to support her. I think she either saw £££ signs as she gets £1000 a month for them or she liked the idea of having new kids to control. My sister sees through her but shes still scared of her emotionally and also I think scared of rocking the boat as she wants access to her kids. When I told her about me telling my mom about the issues I had with her she responded "Im sat at work and my stomach is in knots. I feel sick and the argument isnt about me". My sister also has a boy who shes raising herself (a year younger than the youngest girl). My mom doesn't really like boys so left her alone with him. I cant force her to cut contact too - I guess shes on her own journey and needs to decide for herself.

I do plan to tell SS again. If they don't automatically come here then I'll contact them.

I am so sorry you had to go through this, and so happy that you are strong enough to get to where you are - It's a hard fight - But you are not alone!

I have NC with my mother. Haven't spoken to her or seen her for 4 years. And I often get comments "but she is your mother, I am sure you will make up, all mothers/daughters have arguments" - NO.

Being a mother is a title you earn, not one you just get from giving birth to a child, and nobody is obligated to keep in contact, or do anything else, simply because someone call them selves a mother.

My story is a little like yours, although my mother was the abuser. I was fat, ugly, worthless. She told me repeatedly that she looked forwards to my funeral, although she knew no one would turn up, threatened me with knives, hit, kicked, punched, spat on me. I was not allowed utensils so was forced to eat with my fingers, my room had the door removed, no bed, furniture, duvet. I was forced to shower in front of stepfather, with no door or curtain between (age 11-15). She called SS saying I abused my brothers, called the police saying I had committed crimes (she can also smile and everyone will believe everything she says, even though all evidence against just as you describe), made me undress in front of others for fun ... She was horrid. I ran away at age 15, but she sweet talked me into letting her come back into my life, and lending her enormous amounts if money as she had none, let her live in my house for 6 months, did everything she asked and I just kept putting up with it.

Until I had DS, looked into those innocent eyes, and knew straight away, that all my doubts regarding whether I had been wrong and she was right, maybe I deserved it, maybe I really was terrible, disappeared. NO child (or adult) deserves to be treated like that. I tried to cut down on contact but keeping her in my life, but the day she yelled at and spat at my DH, and shoved her own mother in front of my DS, was the day I slammed the door and never looked back.

It's hard, and it hurts, I miss a mother, but I know it's not her. People still tell me I am wrong, even her mother says I am being silly, and should just reconcile "to make her happy before she dies", but I know I have made the right decision, and I will never change it, I deserve better, DS deserves better.

You are an amazing person, and you deserve better! Close the door, and live the life you deserve. You don't owe anyone anything, not her, not your father, no one.

Sending you a huge hug, and just wanting you to know you are not alone ♥️

You sound so strong, and I’m so sorry you’ve been let down by both your parents.
Your mum sounds toxic and horrific, please cut her off - she is your mum by blood but that seems to be it.

She sounds horrendous. Please cut her off.

So sad to read this. Please cut her off. She is a horrible bastard, no question about that. Your life will be better in time with her out of the picture. And anonymouser,
for you too.
You both deserve so much better and i hope things improve soon.

She’s an evil cunt.
Your sperm donor of a father is an evil cunt.

You are amazing. A true fucking survivor and a hero to us all.

Sending you lots of love, cut her out and try and focus on your beautiful child

How awful, I have just read a book called your not crazy it’s your mother. It’s amazing has Dvicd about going no contact and helps you understand why it’s hard even tho they treat you so bad x. I got it kindle for £4 read it in two night x

Oh wow. She sounds like a piece of work. I understand the deep craving of wanting your mother to love you and behave like a mom. It hurts the soul when it is not like that. But there is no relationship worth saving here. She sounds vile. And whatever her problems are, they are not your problems. Go live your lovely new life and try and shut the door in her. Find someone good to help you work out your issues and find a way to make some kind of peace with everything that has been done to you

You are under FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Cut off hat toxic element of yiur life. She is holding you down, and does nothing but misery to you. Massive hugs💐💐💐.

Cut her off. I did this 12 years ago. It was very very hard but necessary. I could not recover or heal from the damage my parents had done whilst still in contact with them. Ensure you have people around you who understand what you're going through, a therapist/counsellor/support group.

Lots of very good books out there: Toxic Parents, Divorcing your Parents, Torn in Two, seek them out and read as many as you can.

Reading your other posts, she's is so abusive it is shocking. You need to work with your sister, Mabey take her to counselling. So she has the confidence like you, to get her children back and oout of there, before she destroys them. She is nothing but egg donor, she is not a mother.

Definitely cut her off. What you have been through is quite enough and you don't need to give her the potential to amplify it further.

As you said, your own child is the most important thing in your life now - them, and your happiness. You are an adult and you are able to cut her off if you know that is the best thing for you. I would recommend talking to someone professional though, as the guilt you are feeling is unjust and you must work through that and realise that NONE of this was your fault... as a child or an adult.

The future changes things, and people. Cutting her off for now does not mean forever. So tell yourself that if you are feeling anxious about never speaking to her again.

First and foremost you must look after yourself and your child, that means doing what is right for you now, not what may be right in 10 years time.

I am so, so sorry this ever happened to you. But know that if you have come this far then you are far stronger than you know! Xx

My father sexually abused me too for many years and my mother just turned a blind eye and covered up for him on many occasions. Then she walked out when I was 13 and left me with him. I was taken into care at 16 and I haven't seen or spoken to her since and it has been 20 years. She enabled my abuser and even today has re-written the narrative because to admit she knew about the abuse would make her a horrific person in the eyes of others. She contacted my husband a couple of months ago to ask if she could have a relationship with her grandchildren and the answer was a firm no - you don't get to be a shit mother and then reap the benefits of being a grandparent. I have three DC and a mother is supposed to protect her children and it only through having two girls of my own, around the same age that I was when the abuse started, that I can see that there is no fault attached to me. The thought of someone raping my 5 year old and her thinking she was responsible makes me feel sick - I would do anything to protect her from that including sending the perpetrator to prison. Your mother didn't and you are better off without her - cut her off for you and for your child.

I have been through this OP, but it wasn't my dad that abused me. It was a couple of guys who lived up the road.

I tried telling my mum about it and the only thing she did was to say I was attention seeking. I was so scared of rocking the boat and the ensuing anger toward me that my mum would engage in.

I'm 40yo now and I can tell you that your need to start grieving for the relationship you should have had, as opposed to the one you actually got.

I know it's hard, but you need to press charges and prosecute your dad for what he did. He committed a crime, to which your mum was complicit (you told her and she pretty much dismissed what you said), so in reality, they both need banged up.

Imagine if you were advising a friend on the same situation? What would you say, and how would you feel? I guess you'd feel so much empathy and sympathy for what that friend had been through, but at the same time, so much anger that the people who were supposed to love and protect them, were not doing their job as parents.

Your parents didn't love you, but you can love and learn to parent yourself, just like you would with your own child.

Ultimately your parents are the way they are due to their own upbringing, and other factors (possible undiagnosed MH issues, parental abuse etc). That is not your problem. Most decent people would see what they had been through and got help. You suggested that to your mum and she blew you out on that one. It says that she is not willing/able to admit to her wrongdoings. That is one sign that she may well be incredibly narcissistic.

Narcissistic people are not people you can reason with. They will deny or try and justify their behaviour (in your mum's case she may say things like, "I didn't believe her because she has form for lying/attention seeking, etc."). There is no justification for not even trying to find out the truth regarding your dad's abuse.

OP, you should be getting angry with the fact that your mum should have protected you by throwing your dad out, after you told her about the abuse. Instead, she put you and further risk by letting him stay. Once he gets out of jail, she may well let him back in the house and put your sisters DC at risk too.

As a parent myself, I would put my emotions aside as much as I could and deal with the facts and evidence. My job would be to protect my DN's and if that meant taking them on myself, because my mum could put them at risk by letting my abusive dad back in the house, then so be it. It certainly would be the money I'm after, it would be my DN's mental, emotional and physical safety and welfare I'd be most concerned about.

In my case, I tried telling my mum about the abuse I suffered, but she just dismissed it as attention seeking behaviour. I can't alter the fact that it happened, simply because my mum wishes it to not have happened. But it shows that my mum either didn't know what to do, or didn't care enough to do anything at all. That isn't my fault. All a young child can do is tell their parents what occurred and, as a minimum, expect their parents to do something.

As in your own and my case, our mums betrayed us and were complicit in not doing anything to protect us further. In fact, they actively made us believe that we were either to blame in some way, or making the whole thing up and blowing things out of proportion. TBH, it's just your mum projecting her issues onto you and making you out to be the one with possible MH problems etc.

OP, you don't need your mum to be a parent to you. She has proven that she either won't or can't. BUT, you can get that parental figure to nurture you by learning to do it yourself. That way, you don't have to rely on a totally inadequate so-called mother, and instead, be the wonderful mother, to yourself, that will help you through this.

She’s a vile excuse for a human being and the worst mother.

Of course cut her off. She can never bring you or any child of yours happiness. Only poison.

So sorry you have suffered abuse. I cut my abusive mother out of my life many years about, the best thing I ever did, I should have done it years ago, I have no regrets whatsoever. My advice would be to do it. And get on with your life.

I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this.

I just wanted to say you're amazing.

I think you need to cut her (and your sister if she's colluding in laughing at you etc) out of your life. You don't need this. You sound incredibly sorted. I can't imagine how I would cope.

Report your concerns over your nieces. Then step away. She's vile. You deserve every happiness

OP, please come back and let us know how you are and how things panned out.

Sever all ties, her behaviour towards you is pure evil and in some such way I think she's jealous of you because of what happened. Your parents abused you in the worst way possible, be kind to yourself, make peace with your decision, block and move on xx

OP you have to cut this woman away. She has let you down, time and time and will continue to do so. She will never give you what you want and will only ever drag you down.

Despite all that you went through, you are able to parent properly. You know you have to protect and shield your son. You say you are enjoying being a parent. Get your love and confidence from being a good mother because she will never be the mother you want. She is cold and spiteful.

Have you had any counselling for all you've been through? It may not be able to nakr sense of any of it but perhaps it can help file it and move forward.

I am shocked she is looking after your neices. Please alert SS again.

Pleade please cut her off OP she is a digusting example of humanity. Also consider gathering any evidence texts you have that admit her part in things and telling SS. With her getting back with your paedophile dad, purposefully ensuring she has sole access to two lityle girls. I woyld be very worried about history repeating.

Are all your other family aware of how she has been? Of her abuses?