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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nobody is excited for the baby

72 replies

hhhxxx · 03/03/2018 16:50

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl,

So bit of a long story...

Found out I was pregnant really early as periods are always bang on the date. Me and partner of 18 months decided we wasn't ready to bring a baby into the world and went to have a termination, when I went they said there was nothing there. Weeks went by and long story short when I was 12 weeks I found I was still pregnant! We went for a scan to double check and there she was with her little heart beating. I fell in love straight away and I thought my partner did too. I said to him it's completely up to you what we do and he said no no it's too far along, maybe a baby won't be so bad after all (he has 2 children already)

He always pretends to be happy but whenever we argue he tells me how he never wanted the baby and I've trapped him. He said I've done it just to get on the dole (I work full time unlike his ex who has never breathed a days work in her life) and the only way he's gonna be happy is if he gets to take the full paternity and have all tax credits etc in his name.

I'm absolutely fuming! I've already bought my pushchair, crib and lots of clothes and he tells me I just sponge of him because he's been oau

OP posts:

YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/03/2018 18:19

TBH, I'd not be thrilled of my daughter had gotten pregnant in a relationship so soon.

If you work full time and he earns more, than tax credits is a mute point as with one child the limit of claiming is very low. Unless he is right and you plan on not bothering working.

It sounds like it will end in disaster, he didn't want the baby in the first place so made his feelings clear. The chances of the relationship lasting are low and then as it's his house you could be left with nothing.

Troels · 03/03/2018 18:22

Time to go it alone hhhxxx It sounds like him saying he wants all the paternity leave and the tax credits is him asking for payment because he let you have a baby. You know they don't get better once a baby comes along. If he's being crap now, he sure isn't going to turn into a wonderful partner once baby is born, chances are he'll use the child as a rod to beat you with, about how he didn't want it, it's all your fault, etc etc everytime something happens.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 03/03/2018 18:22

If I was you I’d take steps to prepare to go it alone just you and your baby. Several red flags waving away here including financial control over You (wanting all tax credits paid to him for example) his disinterest in the baby and accusing you of being a gold digger who’s trapped him with a pregnancy.

Basically he’s a cunt and you’re better off on your own.

LovingLola · 03/03/2018 18:24

As others have said, this relationship is going nowhere. Figure out what you want from him and start taking steps to get it.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/03/2018 18:39

I agree that you should proceed as though you will be a single parent, make decisions on that basis. Then if he does snap out of his irrational sulk and grow up, great. If not you won't have someone who is hanging around merely for financial perks. I didn't read that you live in his house. Is there anywhere else you could go if you need to?

Soubriquet · 03/03/2018 18:42

Do not give this man any of the benefits in his name

If you do end up splitting, it becomes incredibly difficult for you to claim as he needs to voluntarily cancel

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsDilber · 03/03/2018 19:06

I'd be out of there by now. I couldn't forgive those comments, but that's just me. Don't know what you're waiting for? He's vile.

Other people's pregnancy's are boring, if we're honest. If it were my grandchild, it'd be a different story though.

Good luck.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/03/2018 20:26

Well regardless swingofthings her partner was there with her at the appointment, so if you're trying to imply that she did somehow "trap him" or lie, she would have had to get the scan taker in on it too...

AngelsSins · 04/03/2018 08:55

swingofthings Do you really think you're helping? Even if you're right, she still didn't trap him, women aren't duty bound to have abortions on demand from their partners for god sake. This is a man with two kids already, if he hasn't figured out how contraception works/risks of pregnancy, then he's too stupid to be having sex. No one trapped him.

Mindhunter · 04/03/2018 09:19

Get out now. My ex was like this with our third i didnt really want anymore but be begged and pleaded but when i finally agreed and found out i was pregnant he changed his mind and made my life hell for keeping a baby he didnt want. It only got worse over time and he used the pregnancy as a weapon against me. It really wont get better.

Isetan · 04/03/2018 18:10

You were convenient to have around when you were being a chauffeur but now you might make demands of him, you’re no longer useful. He’s made it very clear that he’s not invested in you or this baby and the Mr Nasty performance is to bully you into an abortion so you can resume your usefulness role or to get you to leave.

If you stay, be prepared to have a miserable and stressful pregnancy.

Dozer · 04/03/2018 19:36

In what ways is he the “best dad in the world” to his DC? Does he share residency, do the parenting (you mentioned YOU drive them around).

How do you actually know his ex is shit? You mention her not WoH but many mums with a financially controlling DP/H find it difficult to WoH.

Sevendown · 04/03/2018 20:11

If you think a man who behaves like that is a good guy you must have had very bad previous experiences!

You are about to be trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with no escape.

Don’t live in his house with no rights

Don’t co register the birth with him.

Isetan · 05/03/2018 07:47

So after dating for six months you became this parental god’s live in chauffeur and the ‘I’m nothing like his Ex’ platform doesn’t appear to be paying the expected dividends.

The honeymoon is well and truly over and he has buyers remorse, don’t stick around waiting for him to be different. As they say, when someone tells you who they are (actions and words combined), listen.

PeppersTheCat · 05/03/2018 11:52

Don’t co register the birth with him

So the baby has no right to know who their father is?

HollyBayTree · 05/03/2018 12:06

and the only way he's gonna be happy is if he gets to take the full paternity and have all tax credits etc in his name.

Run away now whilst you can. He wants to financially control you - I wonder why his ex really left.

He's actually the loveliest person ever, very charming and Everyone loves him and probably wouldn't believe me if I told them he's actually a fruit cake! classic abuser strategy

sirlee66 · 05/03/2018 12:43

If this is his 3rd, him and his family naturally won't be as excited because it's all happened twice before for them.

BougieQueen · 05/03/2018 13:06

Shit! Get out!

BrendasUmbrella · 05/03/2018 18:17

So the baby has no right to know who their father is?

My father's name isn't on my birth cert. I know who he is. No-one is saying paternity has to be a deep dark secret, we're saying she shouldn't voluntarily hand him ways to control her when the relationship looks incredibly shaky.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/03/2018 18:19

“best dad in the world”

There are very low standards for men.

He's actually the loveliest person ever

There are very low standards for men.

InSisu · 05/03/2018 18:46

He's talking utter nonsense. He is not taking your feelings into consideration at all. He isn't the best father in the world, good fathers don't try to manipulate their child's mother or talk to her like shit.
I'm so sorry other people are not sharing in this happy time with you. These are precious months, I only wish you had more support and stability at this time.

Just to reiterate what others have said: do not, in ANY circumstances transfer your child benefits or any other benefits, into his name.
He is a hypocrite saying you've trapped him when he is attempting to trap you and limit your options having financial control of your life. Don't be tempted to assuage him. He is financially secure. You would be in a very vulnerable position if he has his way.

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