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Original poster

Nobody is excited for the baby

72 replies

hhhxxx · 03/03/2018 16:50

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl,

So bit of a long story...

Found out I was pregnant really early as periods are always bang on the date. Me and partner of 18 months decided we wasn't ready to bring a baby into the world and went to have a termination, when I went they said there was nothing there. Weeks went by and long story short when I was 12 weeks I found I was still pregnant! We went for a scan to double check and there she was with her little heart beating. I fell in love straight away and I thought my partner did too. I said to him it's completely up to you what we do and he said no no it's too far along, maybe a baby won't be so bad after all (he has 2 children already)

He always pretends to be happy but whenever we argue he tells me how he never wanted the baby and I've trapped him. He said I've done it just to get on the dole (I work full time unlike his ex who has never breathed a days work in her life) and the only way he's gonna be happy is if he gets to take the full paternity and have all tax credits etc in his name.

I'm absolutely fuming! I've already bought my pushchair, crib and lots of clothes and he tells me I just sponge of him because he's been oau

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 03/03/2018 17:34

Your partner sounds like a total dick

As for other people, nobody is that interested in other people’s pregnancies. The father should be, but other people won’t be that bothered til the baby’s born.

MrsElvis · 03/03/2018 17:38

Get ready. Get yourself ready to go this alone. Do whatever you need to and get out

ReanimatedSGB · 03/03/2018 17:39

No, love, he's not 'the loveliest person ever.' He sounds like a serial abuser of women, and other people either don't care enough to rock the boat by calling him out on his shit, or they need to keep on the right side of him for some reason.
Start now looking into finding somewhere else to live, and your position regarding maternity leave at your job. This dick will be legally obliged to pay you maintenance, though he will almost certainly try to avoid doing so. But once you have a contingency plan in place, you can take or leave the man, and don't have to worry that you are stuck with him and must therefore obey him and placate him.
I'd also advise against putting him on the birth certificate if you can possibly avoid it.
And don't even think of getting the child tax credits, etc, put in his name. That is a massive red flag for a financially abusive man.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 17:43

Well it sounds as if neither of you planned to have a baby in the first place and decided on a termination. Then when you found out you were pregnant after all then you were excited and he was lukewarm. But in general he sounds pretty awful and unsupportive. Maybe the way forward is to leave and live apart rather than rely on him to provide any kind of help and support.

TatianaLarina · 03/03/2018 17:43

Who cares what people would believe? They don’t live with him.

He’s basically trying to bully you into giving him money that’s meant for the baby.

Graphista · 03/03/2018 17:44

She's so shit? Really? According to who? Does he have custody then?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2018 17:44

1-"He's actually the loveliest person ever" Um, actually no he's not. A 'lovely person' wouldn't say the things he's been saying to you.

2-"very charming and Everyone loves him" That's what they said about Ted Bundy. Egotistical, narc, and garden variety selfish people are often very charming UNTIL they don't get their way. (See#1)

3-"I bring up his ex as because she's so shit" Don't be so quick to judge another person until you've walked a mile in their moccasins. I've knows a few women I judged this way until I found out that their exes were either lying about them, were support-dodgers, and/or didn't help with the extra 'necessaries' that pop up in a child's life. One had been so psychologically beaten down by her ex that she lived in 'shit' because he had convinced her it was all she deserved.

falsepriest · 03/03/2018 17:45

He's actually the loveliest person ever, very charming

Err.. no he fucking isn't!

toolonglurking · 03/03/2018 17:46

There is so much wrong here I'm not sure where to start.

He is not the loveliest person ever, he sounds like a dickhead. A really proper one.

If I were in your position I would seek some counselling and prepare to raise this baby alone.

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/03/2018 17:48

At 12, my DS was jumping up and down

You could see your 12 week fetus jumping up and down?

I've had two children and at 12 weeks I still had abs. Not sure how you could see a two inch fetus do that.

PurpleRobe · 03/03/2018 17:49

Do you want to be a single parent without any support?

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/03/2018 17:53

he's way better off for money than I am

If you work full time and he is way better off then I doubt you'll get tax credits any way.

Garmadonsmum · 03/03/2018 17:54

Re video - some people are clearly thinking this is a video of a scan, others a video of the bump moving. Hence confusion, I think.

Lweji · 03/03/2018 18:00

Yes, sorry, for some reason I thought it was a scan video.

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 18:01

I'm sorry but I don't really believe things happen as you say. The normal procedure for termination is firstly to get a positive test to be referred. You are then given a scan and given an oral pill or offering surgical intervention. If it was so early that they couldn't see anything, they would have offered the oral pill or they would have told you that it was too early and to come back in a week or so. I can't believe they would have said to you that you were definitely not pregnant and you would have had no suspicion despite symptoms/no periods etc...

Could it be that you changed your mind then but told that story to your partner because you wanted to keep the baby even though he wanted you to have an abortion. Could it be that indeed, he felt that 12 weeks was too late but that he is still resentful that you trapped him by making him believe that you weren't really pregnant or that you could get the abortion when you first went?

BrendasUmbrella · 03/03/2018 18:02

I fell in love straight away and I thought my partner did too. I said to him it's completely up to you what we do

A) Don't give anyone else the deciding factor over what happens with your body. Fair enough if you were genuinely undecided, and wanted to be tipped one way or another, but giving someone else the power to end a pregnancy you say you had fallen in love with is so sad.

B) He didn't use that power. So tough. I'd suggest you call his bluff. next time he says you trapped him, tell him to go and be free then. I think that this guy is controlling and that you lean somewhat passive/submissive, and he is taking advantage of that.

And don't give him subsidies to compensate him for having a baby. Think everything through. Do NOT give him the child benefit or anything else that would go to you, particularly because this does not look like a Happy Ever After sort of situation. Similarly, think carefully about whether you want the baby to have his name, because once it's done you won't be able to change it back without his permission. I'd be cautious about even putting him on the birth certificate if he's going to act so badly...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/03/2018 18:03

You trapped him.!!!!!!. Angry. I doubt he was saying that during the conception.
The cheeky fucker. I'm going to give your mum and sister the benefit of the doubt that they may not have seen the message.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/03/2018 18:05

"Don't give anyone else the deciding factor over what happens with your body."

A trillion YYs to this.

PodgeBod · 03/03/2018 18:06

I really feel for you. People weren't very excited or supportive of my second pregnancy and it really does hurt.
You've got two separate issues here- your OH might fall in love with the baby and be ok when she is born or he might not. Definitely start preparing yourself for this behaviour to continue. A lot of domestic abuse starts when you become pregnant or have children. It's always smart to have an escape plan.
As for your relatives, it's really shit of them to not send even a generic "How cute" message. Maybe pull back on sharing these things with them and if they ask, explain that you were upset.
I've always felt a bit more protective of my DD2 because people were so ambivalent that she became my baby. Please enjoy your pregnancy and don't let people get you down.

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 18:08

You trapped him.!!!!!!
Maybe not at conception, but maybe after the appointment for the abortion if indeed she told him that she wasn't pregnant after all.

Namesarehard · 03/03/2018 18:11

"Loveliest men in the world " aren't cunts. In fact even normal men aren't either. You need to get your head out of the clouds. He sounds awful.

Congratulations on the baby. You'll do just fine. Don't stay in a relationship where someone has so little regard for you.

EB123 · 03/03/2018 18:11

Is he quite controlling? I ask because you gave him the choice of what to do about the pregnancy instead of deciding together and then he wants you to sign the money over to him.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/03/2018 18:12

"Get ready to go it alone".

She'd be better off going it alone. With that man child it'll be like having 2 kids.

MammaTJ · 03/03/2018 18:12

Maybe not at conception, but maybe after the appointment for the abortion if indeed she told him that she wasn't pregnant after all.

They found nothing!! The OP did not trap him, she was also trapped by the baby hiding.

Original poster
hhhxxx · 03/03/2018 18:13

swingofthings Ok since you think I've made up some sick story. We went for termination, they said too early so we went back a week later. She said the sac was in an oval shape when it should be circle and it was empty which meant I had something called a 'missed miscarriage' which means the baby never even made it inside the sac however body still thinks I'm pregnant or something?

I'm fairly slim so didn't gain any weight and I wasn't sick at all during my first trimester, had a few days of feeling icky but so did half of my family as there was a bug going round.

Thought I'd focus on the main points of the post rather than the abortion I didn't have!

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