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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please please help. Worried sick about dd.

46 replies

Needurgent · 03/03/2018 12:13

Please help me.

Last year a new girl started at dds school. I posted about it at the time. She was troubled girl and self harmed quite badly to the point that she had to have medical treatment. She talked about suicide all the time. She made friends with dd who has additional needs and was constantly encouraging dd (who has sen) to cut herself telling her that it would make her feel less stressed and was constantly talking about suicide and about attempts to kill herself with the girl.

Dd started to make up really horrible lies about me to compete with this girl.

I found messages at two in the morning when checking her phone as she had been acting weird. She had very lightly scratched her arms thankfully not badly.

The was a whole blow up involving senco, head teacher, safeguarding and Young Minds.

This person was giving dd rules she had to stick by and all kinds.

Young Minds opinion was that dd was being cohersively bullied.
Senco was brilliant.
Safeguarding officer was of the opinion it was a friendship blip.

When the girl was confronted she lied and said that dd had caught her arm and she had winced and had to explain to dd.

She later made up lies about dd which resulted in dd bursting into tears in class and head being involved.

Anyway words were had with both girls and they were kept away from each other and it was all carefully monitored. Senco again was amazing.

A new school year started, new Senco and new staff came in but all seemed OK.
Dd was back with her nice friends.

A few weeks ago dd started to act strangely again so immediately I was on alert. I found dd was back talking to this girl again and hiding it under another name and was also making lies up about me and trying to cover it up saying that they would have to hide it from teachers. On a couple of occasions dd was unexpectedly late back but had excuses.

Today I've found that she has made loads of scratches on her arm with the razor out of a pencil sharpener. This time it's much worse.

Dd is furious I have seen it and is now threatening to run away if I tell anyone. She's tried to get through the door. I've removed her keys.

Please someone tell me what i am meant to do.

OP posts:
Hardwickwhite · 03/03/2018 12:16

I'd say get her to the GP asap, and ask for a referral. (From experience)

Partypopper123 · 03/03/2018 12:20

How old is your DD, I'm guessing young teen?
You need to block this girl on social media and other methods she can contact your DD - she's a danger to your daughter.
Immediately don't let her leave the house, and can you get an emergency referral (sorry no experience of MH issues)

astoundedgoat · 03/03/2018 12:21

Get her to the GP, change schools. Keep her home until she can start at new school. I know changing schools is an utter pain, but given the escalation, you have to get her away from this girl at all costs. I would also take her phone completely away until I could be sure that contact had been permanently broken.

How old is your DD and how old is the other girl?

(I am not a professional - this is just my gut reaction)

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/03/2018 12:23

Gosh,I hope you’re both ok.i appreciate it’s a worrying time for you
Previous events should all be documented,seek help form senco and school again
I wish you both well and hope you get a resolution.i know this is so v hard
Do see your GP if your own physical and mental health are affected and take care

Original poster
Needurgent · 03/03/2018 12:24

Both 15, Year ten.

Dd is maturity wise a lot younger.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/03/2018 12:25

ASk GP for psychiatric referral and assessment

PotteringAlong · 03/03/2018 12:27

How has she been in touch with her?

5plusMeAndHim · 03/03/2018 12:27

What age are they?

MatildaTheCat · 03/03/2018 12:27

Take absolutele control, that’s what you do. The other girl is very dangerous and your dd is highly vulnerable. See your GP and don’t let dd return to school until you are certain she is safe.

Can you arrange counselling for dd and possibly family counselling so you can explore ways of communicating and helping her understand that you want to keep her safe? I would also call Young Minds again.

Good luck.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/03/2018 12:31

It might be worth getting legal advice on putting some kind of non-mol order in place to keep this other girl away from your DD.
I appreciate that the other girl is troubled and has MH issues, but she is also manipulative and dangerous - her troubles are not a free pass that entitled her to abuse other people.

Original poster
Needurgent · 03/03/2018 12:31

She had been blocked by me, dd has unblocked her or found another platform to contact her on under a different name. I've found evidence of her talking to cover this up from her teachers and me.
I've removed her keys and her phone at the moment.

OP posts:
BecomingAdultly · 03/03/2018 12:33

When I was younger it was fashionable to be emo and pressure to selfharm to prove to be 'real'.

If the school is enforcing that the two be separated you should confiscate all access to the internet until you know you can trust her again. The likes of tumblr and Instagram has a very dark and sad side to teenagers which you need to make sure she's not using these sites as she's vulnerable.

Gemini69 · 03/03/2018 12:35

I agree with removing the phone etc Flowers

LockedOutOfMN · 03/03/2018 12:40

Yes, please remove phone and internet access for the time being.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 03/03/2018 12:42

We had similar issues with dd and a girl who had suffered abuse as a younger child. I likened the control over she had over my dd as grooming behaviour......school weren't great in all honesty and things came to a head when she got my dd to perform oral sex on her in school. (( dd was 16 at the time but socially more like a 6 yr old, this girl was a lot more capable socially ))

We it really resolved when the girl moved away and dd isn't allowed any social media. In all honesty having been there myself id pull dd out of the school. She has the same sort of hold over your dd as a perpatrator of domestic violence has over their victim.

Being in the same building isn't workable, that sort of relationship doesn't just go away

DistanceCall · 03/03/2018 12:46

No internet. At all. You need to protect your daughter.

I don't know if you can get in touch with the other girl's parents. But you might want to consider a non-mol order.

StaplesCorner · 03/03/2018 12:49

I'm really glad you are in touch with Young Minds, you won't get better support. There's lots going on here - can we just check who you have involved - for example the local authority educational welfare officer? Is there any organisation locally that supports parents of children with additional needs? Is the school really on board? If so that's brilliant, or are they just paying lip service to it? They'd have to be on the ball all the time with this other girl.

Normally I'd say move schools at all costs, but if your DD has other friends maybe they were hard won and I could understand it if you were reluctant. But bottom line to me is from what you have said the school haven't really dealt with this other girl - no detentions or exclusions, they haven't brought her parents in? What needs to be controlled is her actions, not your DD's reaction to them.

Legislation was passed around coercion, but I'm not sure how interested the police would be. However, if this was a partner-type relationship then everyone would see it was abusive - the waters are being muddied by people regarding this as an argument or personality clash. Finally there might be the option to get legal advice from the Coram Centre, dependent on household income. I see if I can find a link. BTW you sound brilliant that you are on to it so quickly and are not dismissing it.

StaplesCorner · 03/03/2018 12:52

Also just wanted to mention those saying go to GP - that might be helpful to document the case but OP already knows that her DD is vulnerable, its the predator that needs to be dealt with! If your daughter's boyfriend was doing this to her, would you suggest that she goes to the GP to learn to cope with the abuse?!

StaplesCorner · 03/03/2018 12:53

Just a couple of links whilst I think of it you might like to have a look at OP:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

www.childrenslegalcentre.com

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/03/2018 12:57

Escalate to GP and CAMHs.
Definitely switch schools. Monitor on social media as doubt you'll be able to prevent her from accessing it. Extreme but may be worth installing spyware on DDs phone/computer. Yes yes, some might say invasion of DDs privacy but who gives a shit?! She's a child and you need to know what's going on.
Can you involve the police for the harassment/emotional abuse? It might scare this other girl off.

DistanceCall · 03/03/2018 12:59

If your daughter's boyfriend was doing this to her, would you suggest that she goes to the GP to learn to cope with the abuse?!

You can do both things - act against the attacker, and give the girl the weapons to defend herself now and in the future. I would certainly be taking my child to a psychologist.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 13:05

The school needs to take responsibility for the behaviour of this girl. You should involve all appropriate authorities for this extremely serious matter. I'd think about moving DD to another school away from this girl. I agree this girl is an extremely dangerous individual and one wonders if she should be even at a mainstream school

MavisPike · 03/03/2018 13:14

I would change schools if possible

JaneEyre70 · 03/03/2018 13:16

Seconding most of the above. No internet, or phone and no leaving the house. I'd also push for a GP appointment asap, and certainly inform the school about this. This is way past a safeguarding issue and your DD is incredibly vulnerable. I can't imagine how awful this must be.

shedalight · 03/03/2018 13:18

How worrying OP.

In addition to all the other advice, maybe take this weekend to try to do something positive with your daughter? She needs to feel as good about you and home as is possible . She's being groomed by someone and that is very 'attractive' to naive teenagers - forbidden fruit and all that.
So trying to set aside the issue and doing something she'll enjoy / feel good about is important.
Good luck.