Please please help. Worried sick about dd.

[Needurgent]

Please help me.

Last year a new girl started at dds school. I posted about it at the time. She was troubled girl and self harmed quite badly to the point that she had to have medical treatment. She talked about suicide all the time. She made friends with dd who has additional needs and was constantly encouraging dd (who has sen) to cut herself telling her that it would make her feel less stressed and was constantly talking about suicide and about attempts to kill herself with the girl.

Dd started to make up really horrible lies about me to compete with this girl.

I found messages at two in the morning when checking her phone as she had been acting weird. She had very lightly scratched her arms thankfully not badly.

The was a whole blow up involving senco, head teacher, safeguarding and Young Minds.

This person was giving dd rules she had to stick by and all kinds.

Young Minds opinion was that dd was being cohersively bullied.
Senco was brilliant.
Safeguarding officer was of the opinion it was a friendship blip.

When the girl was confronted she lied and said that dd had caught her arm and she had winced and had to explain to dd.

She later made up lies about dd which resulted in dd bursting into tears in class and head being involved.

Anyway words were had with both girls and they were kept away from each other and it was all carefully monitored. Senco again was amazing.

A new school year started, new Senco and new staff came in but all seemed OK.
Dd was back with her nice friends.

A few weeks ago dd started to act strangely again so immediately I was on alert. I found dd was back talking to this girl again and hiding it under another name and was also making lies up about me and trying to cover it up saying that they would have to hide it from teachers. On a couple of occasions dd was unexpectedly late back but had excuses.

Today I've found that she has made loads of scratches on her arm with the razor out of a pencil sharpener. This time it's much worse.

Dd is furious I have seen it and is now threatening to run away if I tell anyone. She's tried to get through the door. I've removed her keys.

Please someone tell me what i am meant to do.

Younsound like a great mum op. Everything you do, emphasize your love for your dd verbally "I love you too much to let you see X", "I love you too much to let you harm yourself", "I love you too much to give you the freedom you want right now". You need to really drive it home with teens or else they tend to couch anything you do as an attack against them.

Your poor daughter, this is definitely conditioning behaviour from the other girl.

Honestly, I would change schools as they are getting of an age where they will find a way to be in contact no matter what interventions are put in place.

It may be worth trying to educate your daughter on the long term effects of self harming. There are various documentaries that highlight having to live with the scars in later life and so forth. It may seem a little scary and I'm not sure how capable she is of being able to understand depending on SEN level but it may help her to get other perspectives on self harming.

With my SEN boy it really helps to break down any measures I take in parenting for him to understand. Explaining every consequence etc thoroughly. I find with him, if he can really understand my reasons for putting something in place, he is accepting of whatever it is. Again though, I'm aware every SEN child is different.

Are there any clubs you could take her to? Something to help build her self confidence and self esteem and encourage more stable friendships?

I have had not so serious an issue with my aspergers daughter who is nearly 13. One of her friends was self harming and regularly texting her about suicide.

Having experienced both, suicide of a family member and self harm scars on wrists and arm, I used both those experiences to talk to her about it.

I showed her my scars and the effect they have on me as an adult. How I am now very stable but anyone that spits my scars on my wrists may assume otherwise. That I wish I could take them away. I explained the pain and suffering my family and I went through when we lost the family member to suicide and how it only takes a moment to miss out on a lifetime.

Very direct, open and honest with a view to helping her form her own opinions rather than trying to get her to accept mine.

Again, I have no idea how much of this will be useful for yourself with your daughter but I totally understand your distress and I hope this gets sorted very soon

I’m sorry this sounds like an awful situation- nothing to add here there has been some great advice. I would say contact senco and the school and young minds again. Make sure what has happened has been recorded especially if this girl trys to do this with another girl. Given your dd is making up things about you after the initial actions described here I would get in touch with them and let them know what happening and see what support they can offer. Seems that they were really effective last time.

School need to implrement an action plan to keep your dd safe and she doesn't return until it's in place. Meanwhile look for an alternative school.

GP for CAMHS referral although where we live that would be unlikely to provide much help. Relate are doing work with teens now and are very reasonable cost wise. Also their counsellors are accountable to an organisation as well as a regulatory body.

Talk to her, remove the blades, etc, but also give her some antiseptic wipes, soft clean towel, etc and keep channels of communication open so she can come to you when she needs to.

Make sure she knows she isn't being punished for this, that your motive is keeping her safe

Have you spoken to the other girls parent/s?

If their child is so troubled that she self harms to that level then they may support you in keeping the two girls apart.
It is likely making her worse as well, having someone to show off to about it so to speak.

Op l would take her out of school immediately,

isolate her from this girl totally,( you sound really on the ball)

keep inviting her regular friends around ie lots and lots of nice trips you take them to..and watch..

.rope their parents in to keep your DD in her friendship group if possible and also to give you the heads up in case they hear anything about contact from this other girl.

Psycologist for DD.

Personally l would change her school.

I don't know the other girls parents at all. I've never spoken to them or met them.

Young Minds last time felt that dd was not self harming to self harm but that she was doing it to try and fit in.

Dd is currently threatening to run away if I say anything to anyone.

This other girls Tumblr which has now been removed was full of suicide stuff.

She's also been in some type of competitive no point in trying in class we are both going to fail so no point in trying.

I'm going to speak to Young Minds on Monday as our GP is crap and Young Minds said they were able to refer if needed.

I've spoke to dd tonight who said she did it because she feels she will lose her friends and they will bully her instead if she doesn't do it.

She says she has struggled all her life to make friends (her social skills are crap due to her sen) and she's willing to do anything to keep people as her friends so that they don't bully her.

I have spoken to her about not needing friends who treat you like this girl has but she's not interested.

I'm seriously struggling tonight.

I’m so sorry your struggling but if it helps you are doing all the right things. Is there anyway you can help facilitate her making friends outside of school perhaps? I know it won’t be easy and maybe it’s not something she’ll feel able to do but it sounds like her friend base at school has become toxic and she needs to see that not everyone is like that. Also like others say I’d be looking at changing schools.

You are her mother, OP. She will understand in the future that if you need to harm herself to be friends with someone, then that's not her friend.

You may need to find more support for her SEN. Of course, I don't know what your circumstances are, but personally I think I would take her away from a school where she is surrounded by people like this.

It maybe also worth looking into changing GP surgery. Or if you can afford it try a private GP appointment. Not that private is necessarily better but they have the luxury of time which is the main issue facing the NHS GP's.

Can you have a family day out tomorrow with no phones? Its such a difficult time, you need to have time to relax together where there is no pressure to talk etc.

Good luck

She does have good friends at the school who aren't like this. She used to have really good friends actually but she always seems to leave them every time this girl beckons. She seems to have a hold on dd and dd said she's worried if she isn't her friend she will be her bully. Dd has had issues with bullying in the past so is very sensitive to it.

She had a wonderful friend last year but due to her sen she can be a bit full on and doesn't know how to maintain friendships.

She's not good at going to new places and doesn't like new people and has stopped classes because they have been too busy but she's been asking about air Cadets and I'm aware our local group is quite inclusive and small so waiting for their recruitment day.

No phones, no Internet etc at the moment.
She's beyond angry she has been found out and is trying her best to cause an argument.

I wouldn't go nuclear just yet. Breathe. My reasons are this:

She has internet access to your DD. Moving her school will remove all of your DD's support networks, but it won't remove that. Your DD may be vulnerable, but she's IT savvy enough to work around previous bans.

Do you work? Have to leave the house? You can't watch her all the time. She will make contact. It's better to have her in school, and a school that knows her and is working with you.

What would I do?

I'd go to the HT with all the information you have. Ask for their advice and help. Ask if they would recommend changing schools, etc. Ask what they can do.

Definitely will look at changes GP. Medically she is amazing but she's very much of a culture that doesn't take mental health seriously and she's no bedside manner.

Yes I was considering dd not going Monday and me going in instead.

It's a small school so there's no getting away from her.
But equally she's near Easter in year ten and finding a new school with her options would equally be a nightmare and she would likely end up somewhere bigger which would be a nightmare for her and just as bad.

Hence I'm completely stuck.

I think you need to talk to your daughter about bullies and how to deal with them (and possibly also find someone else who can talk to her about that, so that she doesn't think it's just Mum being annoying).

She needs to understand that she can't allow herself to be bullied, and she can't give up on real friends for someone who threatens to bully her. Hope Young Minds and other people can help.

I don't think you have to wait to join air cadets, when my DD joined army cadets I just phoned up and off she went.

Ours told me they wouldn't be recruiting till Mid March so not sure if they are quite full and waiting for people to age out.

I might look what other units are like.

Some air cadet units do only have set intakes - it is to do with making training easier I think. Most Army cadet units do not - consider them. It is a much more comfortable uniform. :)