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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Mum is totally far too full on?

35 replies

Holly29 · 04/05/2007 17:59

I'm pg with my first, due in September, and my Mum is driving me totally nuts, there is no other word for it.

Yes, it is her first grandchild. However, she has taken it to extremes, I think. Please tell me if you agree.

It all started over her 'pregnancy album' which she started when she found out I was pg. This is a folder she has created with lots of photocopies from books about being pregnant, printouts from the hospital where I am giving birth's webpage, my scan centres' brochure, lots of emails from all her mates congratulating her on the fact that she is going to be a gran etc. I thought this was weird and I didn't like it but I said nothing.

Then it escalated over scan photos. At 12 weeks, I got 4 scan photos, all different. She came round and insisted that she NEEDED one for her album. I said that I quite wanted to keep them all as they were all different and she started crying and saying 'but you promised' (which is true, but I didn't realise how much I would want to keep them) and wouldn't stop until I gave her one (no, she would not accept a photocopy).

Now it's all 'I have to be there for the birth' (I have said no) and she got really offended when I said my sis was going to be my birth partner (my sis is the calmest person in a crisis I know). She's also doing this whole 'I want to touch your bump and take photos of it' all the time and I hate it. She is planning to come and stay as soon as the baby's born, even though it's not what I want.

It's got to the stage where I feel it's her pregnancy and not mine and I dread speaking to her on the phone. She is a lovely woman most of the time but she seems to have gone a bit silly over this and it frankly makes me want to cry whenever she does something like this.

Is this unreasonable of me? What should I do?

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

luckylady74 · 04/05/2007 18:02

this does sound ott and i think you have to be firm because the first weeks with a new baby are precious - can you do some forward planning? give her some small very specific roles to help her feel wanted and involved and also arrange other people/ reasons for what you don't want her to do like move in?

Boco · 04/05/2007 18:04

Bless her it does sound a bit OTT - what will she be like when it's actually a person!

You may be wanting to start working on The Groundrules, and tell her to stick that in her album!

She sounds loving and involved and passionately excited which is all great, but if its stressing you out and upsetting you, you need to talk to her calmly and explain you need a little bit of space.

Good luck with that!

FioFio · 04/05/2007 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 04/05/2007 18:04

She's gone barmy. I'm all for enthusiasm but this is just daft. What on earth's the matter with the woman?

Whose baby is it anyway? I'd be really worried about this - are you going to have to do battle over being a mum to the child once it's born?

Buy her a puppy at once. And put your foot down now before it all gets very messy when your baby is here.

MrsApron · 04/05/2007 18:08

yanbu. She is behaving like a headcase. Is this pregnancy album for her or do you think it is for you?

It sounds like she wants to document experience every single minute of the imminent grandchild which is ott.

Mind you my mum virtually ignored it and that didn't suit me either. Not sure a mum can get it right.

Have you asked her to give you a bit of room? Just thinking it would be good to get it sorted out before your baby gets here.

OrmIrian · 04/05/2007 18:08

Hmmm... like Fio I wondered if she was menopausal. SOunds enthusiastic but mad... Can you sit her down and nicely tell her that it's too much and she's stressing you out?

MrsApron · 04/05/2007 18:11

I believe the good granny's guide someone fearnly-whittingstall is an excellent book. I haven't read it but I beleive it has pointers in it for acce[table granny behaviour might be worth a go under the guise of a thinking of her role as a granny.

p.s. Stronly recommend not telling her when you are in labour or being induced until the baby is here. You do need any stree during your labour.

MrsApron · 04/05/2007 18:12

WTF is going on with my typing? SOrry.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 04/05/2007 18:21

You are not being unreasonable. But you need to be firm and stand up to her, because the softly-softly approach obviously isn?t working. And if she gets upset, well of course this is unfortunate, but this is your pregnancy and your baby, and you have to do things your way. My cousin?s parents were similar to this ? and his dp found it very difficult. They insisted on having pictures of the scan, and framed them and put them on the wall above their fireplace!

I didn?t want anyone else to see my scan pictures, so I just lied and said I didn?t get any to avoid conflict .

JoanCrawford · 04/05/2007 18:27

I think your mother probably has a lot of time on her hands but is essentially over the moon about her first grandchild and why shouldn't she be?

I'd be very happy for my mother to get so excited, and I'm sure I'd do similar for my own dds !

lulumama · 04/05/2007 18:27

no, you are not being unreasonable, but i would want to know why this has sent her so over the top

is it the excitement? or she has little else to be excited about and needs something to fill the gap?

do you still have your dad?

maybe she is menopausal and is upset she is at the end of her fertility?

if this is so beyond normal behaviour, i;d want to know why

maybe go and talk to her,one to one, gently explain how you feel , and find out more

motherinferior · 04/05/2007 18:38

I second NOT TELLING HER when you go into labour.

(My mum rang - it was her birthday - while I was in my second labour and DP, bless him, said 'she's just having a lie-down' in response to my manic hisses.)

RubyRioja · 04/05/2007 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twobabies · 04/05/2007 19:59

YANBU this sounds way over the top. I don't really have any advice cause I have the same situation with my mil (she made us promise that whenever we take any pics of dd we get copies for her ie all holiday, birthday, xmas any pics at all need to go to her too!) We didn't bother for a while, but then she came round and saw a pic on the side in a frame and had a fit because she didn't have one...

I second what somebody else said, find her something to do and quick!

littlelemon · 04/05/2007 20:54

Can you sit her down and be honest with her?
It sounds as though she is simply ruining this whole experience for you - not that she is meaning to of course. God, imagine what she will be like when you've had the baby. Please, please, please don't let her ruin your first few weeks. You will regret it forever.

Other options - write her a letter, get someone else (your sister)to have a gentle word...ummm, can't think of any more.

Elasticwoman · 04/05/2007 22:56

I'd be suffocated by such behaviour. Can you enlist dp/dh's support?

manamana · 04/05/2007 23:20

my mum was a bit like this - except for the album -ooooooeeeeeeeee that's weird. She insisted on coming to stay for a week after my dh went back to work. I felt like I was fighting with her to hold my ds/push the buggy etc etc i know its fantastic to have a granny who loves your child but i spent every night holed up in my room in tears once she had finally gone to bed - i hated it but wasn't strong enough to cope with it and my dh didn't know what to do for the best. she used to sit next to me and stare at my ds while he was latched n - it was all far too much when i was still trying to get to know my ds. I suffered from what i now think was pnd and i think that this week was a strong contributor. Sorry to lay it on thick but i think you need to think about how this could escalate and what effect it could have n you when you are at your most vulnerable, you need to nip it in the bud. My mother will not be coming to stay so early next time. as you can tell i am still quite bitter about it at all. advice about not telling her you're in labour is great, we managed that one - my dh rang to say ds had arrived. am i happy that my mum loves me and my ds and would do anything for us, yes - do i feel utterly suffocated and unable to form a normal relationship with her - yes. take the bull by the horns and avoid turning into a bitter old hag like me!

mommajools · 04/05/2007 23:27

congrats holly
she is ott

could be the most exciting thing in her life at the mo

i would bombard her with requests to search out the best pram, dummy, sterilser etc
it will keep her busy and might help to wear off the novelty aspect
good luck

chipmonkey · 04/05/2007 23:35

My aunt was a bit like this over my cousin's wedding and really I think it was because she was able to give my cousin the big white wedding she had been unable to have herself. Could it be like this with your mum, that she didn't get the chance to do this sort of thing when she was pregnant with you or your dsis and is making up for it now?

RedFraggle · 05/05/2007 10:52

Holly,
I agree with the other posters that you are not being unreasonable. I think there must be other issues at work in your Mum's head at the moment. You will need to sort this out somehow though otherwise it can lead to lasting strain. Do NOT let her come to stay straight after the baby is born, it can cause irreparable damage to a relationship! My MIL came to stay for a week just after my dd was born and we have never been the same since. I know it is probably easier with your own mum but having a baby is stressful enough and you want it to be about you, your dh and your lovely new baby.

thisisdavina · 05/05/2007 10:59

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but can i suggest that you do make copies of your babies scans.

They do fade after time and we lost some lovly scan pictures this way

thisisdavina · 05/05/2007 11:00

Gosh and congratulations by the way!

Original poster

Holly29 · 07/05/2007 09:49

Guys

You have all been amazing. Thanks for the support and the fabulous tips. I'm so glad that you agree that the album thing is plain weird!

I think you're right - it's all about making her feel included in a healthy way. She rang last night to say that this week she was going to be buying lots of things for the nursery this week and instead of blowing a gasket and screaming "Don't you bloody dare! DH and I will be doing that, thank you!" I said "Mum, that's so helpful. I am sorted for cot/moses basket/toys etc but I really do need a changing mat and some gro bags, perhaps you can look for the best ones online and then we can talk about which one you should get?' and she seemed cool with that (sort of. she sulked about not being allowed to choose the cot).

Thanks for the tip about not telling her when I am in labour too...

I don't think she's menopausal yet, I think she's just one of these people whose purpose in life is to feel needed and she's subconsciously trying to make herself indispensable.

Thanks so much guys. I have talked to DH and he is all for supporting me by refusing to let her come to stay immediately...

OP posts:

LucyK1978 · 07/05/2007 11:19

Holly - I was just reading this thread thinking 'okay, give the mum the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is making the album to give to you when the baby is born, as a record of your pregnancy' perhaps... but then I read your most recent post about her wanting to chosse the cot. That's a bit weird. There's nothing else for it - you need to help your mum find a hobby!!

My mum also always said she wanted to be there when my sister and I had our babies, which I always thought was a bit OTT. But my sister managed to not tell her when she went into labour and announced the birth of my neice once she had safely arrived, and now I am 12 weeks prenant, I am conveniently living in Germany (Aren't we mean, we love our mums really!)

Original poster

Holly29 · 07/05/2007 11:26

Lucy,

You have given me such a good idea, I can ask her for the album at the end! (I think it's for her, but she can't deny me it can she...?!).

I do love my Mum very much. She is kind hearted and generous, but she has just temporarily gone mad over this I think. She refers to the baby constantly as 'her grandchild' and never 'your baby' and she seems to have lost a grip on reality with this.

I just thought of something . Her partner (not my Dad) has real problems seeing his grandchildren (his daughter is strange) and maybe this is her way of trying to assert her position early on. She needs to realise that this is making me crazy though.

I think I will try to be brave at some point and talk to her.

OP posts:

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