To think my Mum is totally far too full on?

[Holly29]

I'm pg with my first, due in September, and my Mum is driving me totally nuts, there is no other word for it.

Yes, it is her first grandchild. However, she has taken it to extremes, I think. Please tell me if you agree.

It all started over her 'pregnancy album' which she started when she found out I was pg. This is a folder she has created with lots of photocopies from books about being pregnant, printouts from the hospital where I am giving birth's webpage, my scan centres' brochure, lots of emails from all her mates congratulating her on the fact that she is going to be a gran etc. I thought this was weird and I didn't like it but I said nothing.

Then it escalated over scan photos. At 12 weeks, I got 4 scan photos, all different. She came round and insisted that she NEEDED one for her album. I said that I quite wanted to keep them all as they were all different and she started crying and saying 'but you promised' (which is true, but I didn't realise how much I would want to keep them) and wouldn't stop until I gave her one (no, she would not accept a photocopy).

Now it's all 'I have to be there for the birth' (I have said no) and she got really offended when I said my sis was going to be my birth partner (my sis is the calmest person in a crisis I know). She's also doing this whole 'I want to touch your bump and take photos of it' all the time and I hate it. She is planning to come and stay as soon as the baby's born, even though it's not what I want.

It's got to the stage where I feel it's her pregnancy and not mine and I dread speaking to her on the phone. She is a lovely woman most of the time but she seems to have gone a bit silly over this and it frankly makes me want to cry whenever she does something like this.

Is this unreasonable of me? What should I do?

Sorry this is so long.

Oh poor you it would drive me nuts I think maybe the experience of having a baby is so different now to when your mum had you with scan photos and all the baby stuff we're convinced we need the build up is immense and can be so much fun I guess your mum has got carried away with wanting to experience all this through you.

I think the way you are handling it best let her be involved but keep control over it. If she buys things that you don't want her too then just say "Thank you that was so kind but we already have that maybe you can return and get XXXX instead"

And definately keep her away from the labour room !!

Im sorry but that would do my head in. However youve made my mother look like an angel

I agree with tubismybub - Getting the mum to return stuff she'd bought back to the shops might feel a harsh, if she'd already bought it and took the time to choose it specially etc, but at least then it would make her stop and think twice before buying stuff before asking you again.

Suggesting an alternative is a great idea, as it would make her still feel useful but also remind her that you have an opinion on what you'd like your baby to wear / sleep in / play with!!

you are not being unreasonable and lots of good advice here

one way to avoid her wanting to rush over straight away is to 'book her' to stay when your dh goes back to work? you could say you would really like her to come then and that you are looking forward to the time as a family etc etc

YAdefinitelyNBU. You might have a hard time persuading her not to come to stay after the birth though. Once she knows her precious GC is in the world she will find every second pure and utter torture until she gets to see him/her...

I'm having a similar experience with PILs - they never thought they'd become grandparents and they are so, so delighted. It's really touching but also quite suffocating at times. They arrived uninvited at the hospital before I'd even given birth, and then crowded into the recovery room, with me, post emergency C-section, lying prone while they handed my dd back and forth between them & making the most bloody enormous excitable racket which rattled my drugged-up head, not to mention my poor newly born dd!

Whenever we see them (which is at least once a week) they take my dd off me and go into paroxysms of cooing, which would be cute except that for some reason they seem to find it necessary to take her right away from me, into another room if possible, and then refuse to give her back even when she's crying out of hunger, saying 'oh she's fine, don't worry...'

You need to tackle this in advance because when your precious lo is here you may come over all unreasonable, like I have, and not want anyone to take her away from you for too long!

there is light at the end of the tunnel once DC is a toddler and going through the destructive/tantrum/weeing everywhere phase she will not want to know

Had mother who interfered in different way no constructive help/advice just don't do this, that cot/pram/bath isn't right, give him some fruit as he is constipated (he was four weeks and breastfed hence no poo), you need to clean that house better

don't tell her you're in labour until baby is tucked up in crib beside you or better still about to go off to university

Holly,
This is absolutely unacceptable. She should back off and get into her own life. You are becoming a mother and she is going to get in the way if she keeps thinking that it's her baby!
You need clear boundaries and to express some of how unpleasant this must be.
I feel she has no sense of boundaries about this!

My mil was a little mad and intrusive but not this bad!

My mother who had 4 children of her own and had 3 gc when my ds was born was totally laid back. But her life is very very full!

didn't mean to be rude about your m, sorry if I sounded rude.
I just put myself in your position and imagined I would feel totally suffocated!
Good luck with it all - It took a few years for my mil to calm down after ds's birth.
She and dh even drove to the hospital in the middle of the night after the birth to visit WITHOUT ASKING!!
I still think that's a bit of a bloody cheek!

also ask your dp/dh to be in charge of visitors - family especially!!! He will need to be firm to 'protect' you both - not a popular thing at the time, but very important.

My poor dh had to ask my dad to come back later as I was post-op hormonal wreck and trying to bfeed. I adore my dad but i needed to be alone at that time. My dad was very cross with my lovely dh at the time but calmed down a lot later.

maybe have a few phrases up your sleeves - we would love to see you but so tired how about tomorrow etc etc

Oh my god reading your post made me feel absolutely horrified!

We are pretty lucky with both sets of grandparents and they live at the other end of the country so are never too intrusive (we actuall ywish they lived closer now!). When our ds was born we told them well in advance that they were very welcome to come and visit while I was still in hospital to see our baby when he was tiny but that when we went home we wanted to do that as a family and have the 2 weeks my dh was off work on our own. Then we invited them to come and stay later. Sure PIL's weren't happy but they were fine about it.

I also bought both grannies the good granny guide that someone else has already mentioned which is full of not being too in your face! You can then dress up what you want to say as getting excited for her being a granny! If she doesn't take it in then you might have to be a bit more heavy handed though.

A few tears and arguments now will mean that you have a chance to keep your relationship with your mum and if she can wind her neck in a bit it will be VERY helpful to have her help after the baby is born. If she continues behaving like this though she is jeopardising her relationship with both you and the baby.

The first few weeks with a new baby are very very precious and you can never get them back so I would strongly recommend establishing the rules now in order to make life easier then...

Good Luck!!!! x