Do I reply?

[bigupapple]

Not a massive issue and not a aibu bug would like some advice , just wondering how to respond to a text I've just had,

I had a friend who lives very near me, use to see her most Fridays , she was part of my wedding 2 years ago, all good friends

Then last year I had a very late miscarriage, my whole world fell apart, apart from 1 message saying sorry to hear, a week later , and a message in the summer to say she's been really busy sorting out her new villa abroad and how stressful it was I've not heard from her at all, untill now,

Just got a hi how's you, you about the weekend for a catch up?

We live walking distance to each other,

I don't know how to reply, not sure I want to see her, it's upset me all year as when I needed ppl the most they weren't there,

What should I reply?

First you have to decide what you want to DO, before you can decide what you want to say.

Do you want to see her?

Do you want to see her, but only in certain circumstances?

Do you not want to see her at all?

Well she could be totally self absorbed and selfish, she could have had no idea what to do or say and panicked. You know best.

Do you miss her friendship?

I'd be tempted to rey along the lines of
"Was this meant for me? I've not heard from you since summer" and see what she says

Do you feel able to tell her how hurt you are? Do you think she would be able to listen and respond if you did?

Because do not feel you have to reply and play along with the old ‘oh we’re both so busy!’ bullshit.

My guess is she didn't know what to say to you. It's pretty common. If you miss her and want to see her give her the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes when you meet up.

I feel I would have to say somthing, as I can't pretend the whole horrible year didn't happen, I just hate drama, I'm also pregnant again now, and just a big bag of nervous untill this baby is out all safe, I don't know if I've gt the energy for her, as I've learnt who was there for me, she wasn't the only one that disappeared, but considering she lives so close I found it strange x

Maybe she was giving you space and time to recover and waiting for you to contact her when you felt ready.

It's hard for people to know what to do for the best.

We have no family really, just me and hubby, my friends were my family, I do think the year was a lot harder as basically I was left to deal with it by ourselves

I don't know if I've gt the energy for her, as I've learnt who was there for me

I think in that case don't reply - you don't sound at all up for having a big chat about how she hurt you, or sweeping it under the carpet (and I absolutely don't think you should feel at all obliged to do either of those things), so just not replying is the easiest option by far. It doesn't sound like you feel like you'll be losing anything of value by not keeping her in your life.

Well, give her the benefit of the doubt.

Would you rather her message say "oh hi there, just reminding you about your terrible miscarriage and how everything has been utter dogshit since then"

Most people have no idea what they can or should say in this sort of situation. So lots of people just say away for fear of putting their foot in it.

If you love her and want to be her friend, reply with an open heart and see how it goes.

Sorry for your loss.
Did she text you? If so, a "Who's this?"
Should be a good start. Let's her know you removed her from your phone.

I had a friend (closer than a sister) who started ghosting me. Not returning calls or messages, pretending she wasn't in when I phoned 9 times out of 10 etc. Eventually when I lost my baby and wanted to tell her I called. Her partner went off the phone for a sec and said, "Sorry she's not here" so I just said, "Okay. Just tell her my baby died" put the phone down and never phoned her again.

Over a year later she sent a text (no apology just a "How are you? We haven't spoken in ages! We need to catch up!" Type message.

I gave her a chance and replied. We spoke for a few weeks and she dropped all contact again.

6 months later she contacted me again. We spoke, she disappeared again. Every time it hurt.

Now I won't reply other than one to say I'm done. OP, your friend doesn't have you as a priority, don't give her a second thought.

If you love her and want to be her friend, reply with an open heart and see how it goes.

It really doesn't sound like OP does want to be her friend, though. And the rest of your post is really crass - do you really think that's the only way you could communicate with someone who'd had a horrible loss? And the idea that you shouldn't 'remind' a grieving person is a common but ridiculous one - people who are grieving are already in pain, by not acknowledging it you're isolating them, not protecting them.

And the fact that lots of people are unsupportive and self-centred in the face of grief is true but not in any way an excuse.

Did you not contact her at all last year OP? You've mentioned a couple of messages to you, but did you get in contact with her?

Have you messaged her at all in that time? Has she ignored you?

Yeh I tried, I messaged her didn't hear for a while then she just said how stressful it was sorting out her new villa, I did reply, but then never heard anything back , so didn't go chasing,

I think I would just reply briefly saying something like, "Sorry, I'm really busy at the moment. Hope you're well. x"

You could ignore it but with her living nearby a simple reply reduces any awkwardness long-term.

My partner committed suicide 10 years ago and one of the most shocking things about the whole situation was how ill equipped anyone was to respond to me and my grief. I suspect as in my situation, she just didn't know how to behave around you. I literally cannot imagine the pain of loosing a baby and I'm very sorry for your loss. I can imagine how anxious you must be feeling about this little one, so my advice is, if you don't have the spare energy to make her feel better about abandoning you then just politely decline the invitation. Wait till you have your baby safely here and then see how you feel. And a hearty congratulations for the new arrival xx

I'm sorry about your late miscarriage OP. Some people act really strange around loss and it could be that she didn't know what to say to you after her initial " I'm sorry " message. Some people back away because it's easier for them.

Do you think it could be that? Nevertheless your friendship has changed because you now feel understandably hurt, so you could explain this to her but I see that you don't feel like you've got the energy right now.

You could just put off that conversation until your baby is here and you're more settled?

Don't bother op. Even if she didn't know what to say at the time, she has had opportunity since then. She sounds very self absorbed and perhaps you have to realise that she is just a fair weather friend. You certainly find out who your true friends are when something like this occurs in your life.

Don't be worrying about her. I just wouldn't bother replying. She was quite happy to distance herself from you. Just look after yourself and don't get anxious about people who don't matter. Good luck with your pregnancy op.

What Sandandsea said!! Perfect response.

My miscarriages proved to me how shit people are at handling grief. I’ve actually never felt so alone in my life. No one really knew how to deal with it or what to say and when they did say something, it was often the entirely wrong thing.

I think that’s just it really, it’s hard to know what to do or say. You don’t want to suffocate a person who is grieving and also are fearful of saying the wrong thing. She probably didn’t mean any malice by it. I would meet up with her personally.

I wouldn't bother responding to her if I were you OP. She failed to acknowledge you at all when you could have done with a kind word and that tells me she's no friend of yours.

Sand and sea ! Thanks I'm going to send that message and then just leave it,

Thanks everyone xx

So sorry for your loss OP good luck with this pregnancy.
That's a difficult one, especially if you were trying to contact her and didn't get much response before.
But i do think life's too short to hold a grudge. Yes she let you down as a friend when you needed her but what did you really expect her to do and sounds like she had a lot going on in her life too. I think to cut her out just because you both had separate things going on in your lives and drifted apart for a bit is a bit childish.
Also i think in those circumstances people don't really know how to react and sometimes think they are better to stay away and give you time to yourselves rather than poke their noses in.

The year before last I had a really bad year, lots of close friends and relatives died and other traumas. I was a mess, lonely, and in need of friends like never before.
After I got better, and started to talk to people a bit more, many people were surprised to hear of my troubles. I had withdrawn from society so much and kept myself so tangled up that many people, even close friends, didn't know. I had been very very angry at them, but they didn't even know.
It took me a while to realise how deeply I had withdrawn, and to forgive them for the thing the hadn't even done, iykwim.
She's texted you for a catch up. Go have that catch up. Tell her about your rough year. Listen to her tell you about hers. Use that conversation to judge if there is something. You never know, she may be feeling that you have ignored her stressful times and not reached out, and might be amazed to hear about your troubles and how you felt. It's worth a shot.