To expect my ex to do this?

[bitzy12]

My kids usually travel to see their dad every other weekend. They should be going his weekend but with the weather they aren't. The weather looks as though it's clear now and isn't going to be too bad over the weekend but ex is saying they can't come. Now that's fair enough, there is still a lot of snow about and I don't really fancy the drive. He's saying how bad it is where he is however weather reports suggest otherwise.

However I've asked if that he can still travel to us and see them either tomorrow or Sunday. If he doesn't, the kids won't see him for 4 weeks.

He does this all through October - December where he works weekends and just has Sunday's off for the extra money which means the kids only see him for one day.

Therefore I didn't expect it to be a problem. But he's just said 'probably not, see what the weathers like'

I wouldn't mind if I got a reply something along the lines of : 'yeah I'll do my best to come see them'

He's a pretty s**t dad in a lot of areas, he does love and care about them but because he lives away, he uses that as an excuse to not really be involved in any part of their life. Dcs think he's the best though and that's what matters.

It's caused an argument. Mainly at his attitude.

AIBU to think he should come and see them? Dcs will be gutted when they find out they aren't going big even more than they might not see their dad for another 2 weeks. As I've said, he won't be bothered that his kids are upset. I imagine he will be rubbing his hands together thinking 'free weekend'

I can see what you mean OP. But don't stress about his relationship with the children, that's for him to sort out. If he's absent more than he needs to be, then it's his loss and kids aren't stupid, they will realise that he makes little effort.

My mum used to really push my dad to see us when they divorced, and tbh it was horrid knowing he was doing it under duress. I'd rather have not seen him.

YABU. If your kids are really going to be that devastated I'd be making DH get himself to work some other way for one of the days this weekend (or pull a sicky as a one-off) and use the car to drive the kids to their dad's. If you're not prepared to do that for them then I think you're projecting your pissed-off feelings about their dad onto them.

Because he isnt bothered about anything.

Ds has severe special needs which I deal with myself. If I struggle with him and contact the ex, the reply I get is 'not much I can do, I live here'

Ds has recently been diagnosed with adhd aswell as autism. Rang the ex to tell him and he just said 'oh right'

He doesn't ask about ds, how his appointments go, how is at school, nothing. I've accepted that and it's easier I deal with it myself.

But yeah it does piss me off when my kids think he's the bees knees and he just doesn't give a shit.

People might think I'm being petty but when you literally go through so much with your dcs and it gets to a point where their father just isn't bothered anymore.....well it's very frustrating

Soz for posting

You say you don't fancy the drive in this weather in your opening post, but expect him to do it... that's total double standard.

Oops, cross posted OP. Sorry you are having a difficult time.

YABU. If your kids are really going to be that devastated I'd be making DH get himself to work some other way for one of the days this weekend (or pull a sicky as a one-off) and use the car to drive the kids to their dad's. If you're not prepared to do that for them then I think you're projecting your pissed-off feelings about their dad onto them

This ^^

There are plenty of ways they can communicate safely in this weather, you just don't want to do that as it means he's not taking them so you don't get your weekend free.

YANBU.
There are plenty of ways he can see the dc this weekend. In my area all the main roads are running freely and it's just the side roads that are a problem. Tomorrow's forecast is for 4C and Sunday is 7C so it's only going to get better.
He's just being lazy and using the weather to cop out.

Fucking hell, some arseholes on here today! Why should OP do the fucking driving, and facilitate contact, they're his kids too and it sounds like he just can't be arsed. Can't actually believe some of the responses on here

All the main roads are clear here but my car is very stuck on my side road and the weather is forecast to be bad all weekend too. He sounds pretty useless but I'm not sure travelling when we're being asked not too unless its an emergancy is the reason that he's useless.

Well on the school run I had a call from his mum apologising for this weekend. She said she would still like me to drop the kids off with them (forgot to mention he still lives with his mum and dad) but they weren't willing to meet me half way like usual. They wanted to take dc to a party which I did know about and don't want dcs to miss out....

I ask what she's apologising for....after all weather can't be helped. She herself said the weather wasn't that bad. Roads were fine, slight bit of wind but noThing major.

She was surprised I hasn't seen it on fb but I hadn't checked it this morning.

Turns out the twat is actually going away this weekend...him and his mates booked it last minute last night and he's on his way to Liverpool as we speak....just to point out we live no where near Liverpool. I had no idea.

I'm friends with his mate on fb (ds godfather) and there it is. They booked it last night. Ex had the cheek to comment 'get me there quick, can't f**king wait, no weather will stop us'

That's great. Not the worst thing he's ever done but it comes close. No doubt some reading this will still blame me in some way but anyway.....I'm not taking dcs. They are staying with me where they belong and have made plans for a fun weekend now to take their minds off the fact their dad is such a massive prick.

@Gendarme omg how dare you??? When I have mentioned me in this post? This is all about my kids. Yes I do have a hard time with ds (you wouldn't have a clue) but it's not about me. It's about seeing me dcs upset cos their dad is such a knob.

The only thing I feel I'm doing wrong here is trying to hard to maintain the relationship between the 3 of them. I pretty much give up. I will be there for dcs no matter what, as will my dh.

When ds is uncontrollable (due to his condition) knowing it's the weekend he's ment to see his dad - I'll be there. I'll sort it and deal with it while he's lashing out at everything and everyone.

From your updates yes he is a total arsehole.

@bitzy12

I also have a toddler with my 2nd ExH - he hasn’t seen her since she was 7 weeks old and lives a 10 minute walk away. I’ve got both ends of the scale and it sucks beyond belief, so I do feel you.

Even with your update I get that your ex is a colossal dick. But this is all about your DCs. If they were going to be "gutted" and "very upset" when you could have driven them if the roads are clear, then you do that for them, not him. If you can't then it does not make anything your fault, but you can't make your ex want to see his kids.

My DH had no end of trouble with his DCs because they blamed him for the separation unaware that it was in fact their mum who met someone new and split up the family. However as she's their primary carer he felt it kinder on the kids to suck it up and not tell them the truth. If you don't want to see your kids upset sometimes you do just have to be the bigger person.

What is it with so many ex wives disparaging their ex partners? They were good enough to have kids with but suddenly theyre not?

Double standards indeed.

In our case, it is my DSD who has a useless mother but dear lord, we can't say that on MN!!

@piratequeenio he was fine to have dcs with...until he cheated on me whilst pregnant with dd (youngest) on Christmas Eve....while I was in hospital with an infection bleeding, dehydration and pregnancy sickness. He left ds with a MATE while he went out. I had no idea. Yeah he was fine to have kids with until that point....what should I have done? Forgiven him and stayed? Turns out he had been cheating on me for ages....only found out about it cos her bf walked in on them shagging and beat him up....so yeah should of stayed with him clearly....double standards.....my fault yet again.....soz

And thank goodness we were never married

It might be better for the kids to drop contact with him. Don’t tell him he can’t see them, just leave it up to him to organise it. It’ll be hard in the kids at first, but better in the long run when he’s not messing them around all the time.

It’ll mean no respite for you, but at least you’ll know where you’re at and won’t have stressed out kids to try to placate.

piratequeenio - you’re saying there’s nothing wrong with how the ex-P has acted? He lied and said he couldn’t see his children because it was too difficult to travel, but in fact he just wanted to go on a jolly with his mates. He’s a useless twat, anyone can see that.

pirate 🙄

I will disparage exh2 all I like because he’s a complete waste of space.

Exh1 however is a brilliant parent who I’ve never spoken badly of.

Simple.

@AnnieAnoniMouse thank you, I think you are right. This really isn't about me and the break I need (to be honest I dont, j spend the whole weekends panicking when ds is there and can't wait to pick him up and get him back in routine). As I've said, I've stopped including the ex in anything to do with ds because it's pointless. It wound me up even more than he wasn't bothered aswell as having to cope with the emotional impact on myself with dealing with ds. It's easier that he isn't involved.

I'll get through this weekend the best I can with ds. Dd will be upset but I've already arranged for 2 of her school friends to come and play tomorrow so that will make her one very happy and excited little girl.

Ds its going be lots of chill out time and possibly a trip to the cinema if I can manage to lift his mood - the cinema is his favourite thing to do so if that doesn't help make him feel better then nothing will.

I've just watched the weather report for the whole UK and they are still saying very unpredictable and don't drive unless absolutely essential. So I think yabu.

@NukaColaGirl I totally get it. I can say that about dsds mother, she's great, no issues with her, her and dh co parent brilliantly. We are all friends.

Cannot say the same about my ex unfortunately