Controlling MIL

[MaisieAva]

I rarely talk badly of anyone, so it has really upset me that I have these feelings about my MIL and has made me feel like such a bad person. But the feelings are there and real so I need to express them.
So my MIL really stresses me out. What makes matters worse is we live next door to her. When we first moved in, she would walk in un announced and say ‘only me again’. Sometimes if I was on my own it would make me jump and put me on edge. She wanted to clean and tidy the house for some money which I felt I couldn’t say no to, but I’ve had to stop her doing it now. As I just feel like I want to have my own touch on our house. She would do our washing even when she was asked not to. She changed our bed. She put my underwear away in my drawers. She’d walk in when we were winding down in the evening with a pile of our washing all ironed. I mean to some it probably sounds a dream, but it just doesn’t feel right or sit well with me. She would arrange my ornaments to how she thought looked nice. I personally find it dis respectful.
Now she’s not cleaning the house anymore it’s obviously a lot better but I feel like she’s using other avenues to get to me. We went on holiday recently and I walked in to our house on our return to see my fairy lights that I’ve decided to keep on a plant all year round on the floor as soon as I walk in. Apparently they were suffocating the plant and the plant needs trimming. I’m sorry but I’m perfectly capable of attending to that myself. It probably sounds really small and pathetic but it really bothers me.
I know she’s just trying to help but it’s so suffocating. I’ve spoken to my other half about it so it has got a lot better as I think something must’ve been said. But I feel like I’ve made it into an issue now and I’m fearful of her to be honest and feel like I want to avoid her but at the same time scared to avoid her as I don’t want to cause any upset of offend anyone. I just can’t win. It’s all just literally too close to home for me and it’s consuming my thoughts way too much to the point where I’m feeling pretty unhappy.

I know she won’t change...I was just wondering if anybody had any advice?

Thanks in advance

SIL and BIL live next door to PIL. They thought it was great when FIL was doing all the decorating and DIY for them. Two DC and several years later it's a nightmare. MIL comments on every aspect of their lives and expects to be involved in their day to day lives. They do nothing as a four, always as a six.
PIL are now becoming less mobile too, but SIL feels unable to move as they are so beholden for all the 'help' they've had.
Get away before DC come along.

We changed our locks recently at ABS locks. (My parents have a key and can come and go as necessary because they respect boundaries/privacy). They are much harder to break in to, which is why we changed. You can’t get a key copied from another key, you need the special code to do so. Worth thinking about.

There are schemes our area that provide volunteers to befriend/support vunerable families. Maybe you could find one in your area to channel MIL's energies!

Move. I speak as a woman with a controlling mil.

Horrendous, how have you not exploded? She is marking her territory and obviously mistakenly believes she's entitled as it's her son's house. Never had a MiL but from what I've read on here, the following are usual suggestions: firstly get key back or change locks, second - scatter info on houses for sale or move, third - buy some choice sex toys and lube and place them where you know she will snoop, fourth - obtain emigration papers to Australia, partially complete them and place in full view, fifth - if your DH panders to her, sort him out.

Good luck.

Thanks Guys, I am a pretty patient person and it usually takes a lot for me to explode. But I am at breaking point now and an explosion is definitely brewing!

You need to act. It’s all very well coming here to moan but if you’re not prepared to have it out with her and your DH then nothing will change.

I’m a MiL with a key, I was given it for emergencies and because I have the grandchildren a lot so may need somthing for the children and I dog sit. my boys don’t live on my doorstep but even so I would never use the key unless it’s necessary. When I go to visit or pick up the children I always ring the bell, even if the door is wide open I ring the bell. there are boundaries. I wouldn’t want my lovely DiL just walking in on me either. It works both ways. Being a paternal MiL is hard but then so Is being a DiL. I feel sorry for your MiL too but she really needs to be gently urged to see it from your point of view. Either that or as I said in my first post move

The Daily Mail has picked this up OP.

I feel so bad for you OP. I hope your MIL doesn't read DM! Good luck

I too am s mil with a key and no way would I behave like this. No way

There are blinds in Dunelm Mill that you can very easily and cheapily put up at your windows. They are cream and let the light in but, in the daylight, you can hardly see through them from outside. I think they're called privacy blinds or sheer blinds. I successfully used these in many rooms downstairs as lived on a road where people stared in all the time and didn't want net curtains. I actually used to get the rage when I'd see someone's face at my living room ( front room) window peering in.
I think I'd explain that you enjoy your privacy and ask her not to get offended if you don't answer the door that it just means you don't feel like company right now or are busy. Maybe invent a course you're doing meaning you have to concentrate hard on the PC

Op you say you feel obligation to them but did they do the the house for you? Or for for your partner?

You're full of shite VladimirsPoutine, I've thought that about you on other threads as well.

We went on holiday recently and I walked in to our house on our return to see my fairy lights that I’ve decided to keep on a plant all year round on the floor as soon as I walk in. Apparently they were suffocating the plant and the plant needs trimming. I’m sorry but I’m perfectly capable of attending to that myself. It probably sounds really small and pathetic but it really bothers me.

It does sound really small and pathetic. But she's the one being petty, not you.

You have to tell your DH that you want a home of your own where you won't be permanently on edge like this. And you have to tell your MIL to restrict her visits.

If they won't agree then you have a problem. Because her behaviour isn't acceptable, and your DH should be supporting you in putting a stop to it.

You're in the right place for advice. MiLs are satan. Evil incarnate on MN.

No, they're not.

The only response is to keep big purple dildo on the mantlepiece.

It's actually a bit worse than you think. Your MIL has clearly done everything for your DH in the past and her behaviour is just a continuation to this. She clearly doesn't believe you are good enough at the 'home care' for her darling son. That's effectively what's happening, she is seeking to usurp you in the good home maker role. It's creepy. But that's at the heart of it and she'll be the first one to make any comment or judgement on what is going on in your lives, in particular yours. The obvious criticism over the plant and fairy lights is her way of gaining power and status over you in your DH's eyes, by undermining your competency, and that's what she will increasingly do, go round judging everything, tutting at your laziness and ensuring everything is in accordance with how she expects it to be for her son, the extension of her home, which is your home.

I feel for you, a tricky situation to deal with. If I were you, I'd invite her over for a coffee and a chat, explain that you need some space and privacy and for her to not turn up without being invited or expected. Put it out there in the open, behave as if your opinion matters. This is the gentle and kind request stage, that can't be denied. Don't bother with silly tactics, if she's that controlling, I doubt you'll be able to move home. That's too drastic. Talk to her kindly and gently to explain that her uninvited appearances are not appropriate behaviour and you require your privacy. Offer her a consolation that she can pop over each Sunday or whatever at a certain time for a chat with you. But NOT a walk round critique of your home!

Then follow up, if she keeps turning up, like an errant child that won't behave or listen, you then tell her, you'd really rather not have it come to this, but you will change the locks if she doesn't adhere to your simple, understandable request. Then follow through if she doesn't behave as per what you both agree or what you state you expect.

Just simply follow kind, compassionate but firm decisions on restricting her unacceptable behaviour. Tell her she needs to respect boundaries that you are ASKING of her, politely. Hopefully she'll comply and come round, but if not, just follow through with changing the locks. She'll get the message.

But it's best to do it like this as there's no come back on you if you've gently stated what you need and expect to happen. If you do something shocking or blow up, then THAT will blow up in your face as you can be painted as the villain in all this. And she can claim victimhood, which very much suits some women and I'm sure she'll milk it for all it's worth too.

I've been where you are and it ended in tears for everyone. Please try and have a chat about it before you say something in anger.

Looking back it was also me too I should have drawn the line sooner. Be kind as she trying to be helpful but you need to be firm good luck op. Also write down specific examples where you feel the line was crossed or you will be into a pool of anger.

Don’t write her a letter! People like this will use it to show all and sundry how unreasonable you are.

You need boundaries. Change the locks (preferably the ones you can’t copy the keys for.) TELL her that you don’t want her doing x and y.

Frankly, I’d move. People like his don’t have the self awareness to change. Your DH needs to deal with her but is he too spineless to?

I fear that there's going to be a lot more of this in the future. There are so many children being brought up by a single parent, (usually Mum), who will be unable to let go of their offspring, especially sons.

Feel for you but don't move or change locks! Growing up, we lived next door to my grandparents. For us kids it was constant two-way traffic for love and cake so how did it work for the grown-ups? Well they lived there for 35 years and it was a triumph - because boundaries were set and never breached. Honesty is needed. Speak to your husband and explain the issues and state that either you sort it or you will have to move. Then the two of you sit down with her with a single (agreed) voice and suggest some ground rules: (i) always call before coming over, (ii) key to be used for emergencies or holiday cover only, and (iii) whilst all help is welcome, she comes to visit, not clean, launder or rearrange furniture (how would she feel if you went into her house and did the same?). Emphasize how wonderful this could be for her as well as you. Be sensitive and all should be well. Good luck.

I'm a MIL, to both my DIL & SIL. It can be a bit of a minefield and often can be like stepping on eggshells for both the MIL and DIL and SIL. Unfortunately its very difficult to not say your twopenneth over the years, especially when we have so much experience on our side, which we just want to share to help - we think! Even if we do think we know better, my advice to your MIL is to button it! Offer to help as new Mum's and Dad's are exhausted a lot of the time but do ask what your DIL & Son want you to do. Be it helping with the shopping or a bit of cooking, help with the Grandchildren but only offer and if the help isnt wanted then that's fine. We all have our ideas of how things should be done, but its your Son & DIL's home and I think MIL would be hacked off if the roles changed and DIL came in started altering things in her house. But please understand I don't think she's trying to get at you at all, she just wants to help and be useful, (though why she would want money to help clean is a bit odd) and be liked by you, she's just over doing it, and she doesn't think a great deal!

We don't live near either of our families so are conscious when we go to stay that we are living in their home, and parents staying for any length of time can be trying - that works both ways as we all have different tastes, so its a compromise for all of us! We are all human and make plenty of mistakes, the ideal is to learn from them, we helped my Son & DIL move home, doing a bit of cleaning and tidying before people came to view the property, and a lot of box packing for the move. However I realised I'd overstepped the mark when my DIL came home after work and put everything back I'd tidied up, so I took the hint and never did that again (but in my defense it was just done for the viewings, I would never dream of doing it otherwise). My other faux pas I think was to clean the oven unasked, they were both working long hours and coming in tired, and I didn't have anything to do whilst our Granddaughter was at nursery, so I figured its a rotten job to have to do and time and life is too short they should be out having fun with their daughter, so I thought I would make myself useful and get it done. Still don't know whether I over stepped the mark then?
But if you want to keep a good honest relationship with your MIL, talk to her yourself but with your Husband/Partner present, tell her you really appreciate what she's done but that you and hubby like your house as it is. And that you would prefer if she asked if it was ok to come over first, as quite often just turning up unannounced can be difficult or even embarrassing - we were all young once! We all need our privacy.

How do you know she wont change? If she has it explained to her tactfully, how you would prefer your relationship to be, if she wants to keep your relationship and her Son's and Grandchildren's happy and without this conflict, then I'm sure she will make an effort. You could ask for the key back, but personally having a key is so much more useful, for both sides either with collecting children from nursery/school, walking the dog, accepting deliveries; plus your Parents are not having to hang around waiting for one of you to turn up!

If you set boundaries nicely then hopefully she will try and stick to them, don't expect perfection as none of us are on both sides!

I've asked MNHQ if there's anything they can do.

Hello, you have my sympathy, I am a bloke not a mother. All my MIL ever did was interfere after we were married. She came and stayed with me while my wife was in the home, one thing she asked me that night when I arrived home from the hospital was 'is there anything else you want?' She was standing in the kitchen door with her nighty on when she asked, I still don't know which way it was meant to be taken. That is only one example of what she got up to. Both my MIL & FIL interfered in all my personal business, offering to lend money etc it drove me up the wall. Although I can't prove it I am certain they had sex in my house while they were renovating it at their own time, they were often here alone. I had no privacy whatsoever. They went through the wardrobes as part of the renovations, you name it, they found it. I did some travelling and the first thing MIL did went I arrived home was rip into me about the business people I met. 'How old's she?' A high level business appointment abroad and thats how she speaks to me. However she is now a spinster and is the one sleeping around with a new partner. 'Put your own house in order first'. If you cant move away then shift abroad, it was the probably the biggest mistake of my life that I didnt do. Stick to your guns, that type of person needs to be stood up to and the only way I was going to do that was to through her cooking in her face.